Sunday, March 20, 2011

Death Threats from a Nine-Year-Old Girl

I went to a party on Saturday night.  My friend's friend brought her nine-year-old daughter, a cute but malevolent girl named Ella, to the bar.  She saw that Cecile had been teasing me via the medium of post-it notes.

Cecile's Effort

"To ble or not to ble"

Now, I'm not saying that Cecile is a bad influence or anything, but Ella began producing disturbing post-it note cartoons at intervals of about forty seconds.

Ella #1 - Arsenic in my Beer

Ella explained this one by saying, "You're drinking a beer, and getting drunk, and then falling over and then you're dead on the floor.  Giggle."

Ella #2 - The Wolf and the Rabbit

"This rabbit is me, and the wolf is you.  And you're chasing me.  And I'm faster so you don't see the tree and you hit the tree and you're on the floor and you're dead."

Ella #3 - The Bigger Gun

"This is you and you've got a gun and you're shooting me.  But I've got a bazooka so I kill you and then you're on the floor and you're dead."

Ella # 4 - Slapped

"This is you and you love this girl and you give her some flowers but she doesn't like you and she slaps you in the face."

Ella #5 - Steer Clear of my Mum

"This is you with the drink and this is you looking at my mother and you love her because she's pretty and then my dad comes and he's angry and her punches you in the gob."

Ella #6 - Spiderman

"This is you because you're Spiderman and here you're doing a spider web and you swing on it but it breaks and then you're dead.  This is your grave.  All covered in spiders.  Giggle."

Ella #7 - A Tale of Two Funerals

"This is my grave on the left and everyone is sad and crying because they loved me.  And this is yours on the right because you're all alone and no-one loves you and there's lightning on it."


  1. Anonymous8:38 AM


  2. Anonymous10:04 PM

    I love it that spiderman starts his day by throwing up the horns. I never knew he was so metal.

  3. If you want to get horny over spider-rock, wait till you see Spider-Man, the Musical.

    "Does whatever Motörhead can."

  4. halszka9:37 AM

    #7. it is so true.

  5. Anonymous10:10 PM

    Actually, Ella saw Spiderman the musical live, already, when she was 2 yo. No joke.
    Andrew, you were doomed taking her on from the start :)
    - Signed, Ella's mama


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