Friday, May 20, 2011

Agony Andrew - Relationship and Life Expert: "Is This Normal?"

ASK ANDREW

Is something troubling you? Getting you down? A problem shared is a problem halved.

For over twenty years, Andrew has been giving unsolicited advice about relationships, family, punctuation, and the best ways to conceal wickedness. Now you, too, can benefit from his wisdom, and receive the kindness and support you deserve.



Today's Topic: Is This Normal?

Dear Andrew,
There's this guy I want to sleep with, but he refuses! Let's call him Eric. I can't understand it. I'm really hot and I told him how much I love him and how much we're meant to be together. He laughed and called me creepy, but strangely this made me want him even more.
He said he didn't want to sleep with me because I had a boyfriend, so I broke up with him last week. When I told Eric, he just laughed and told me to get back together with my ex because "he's a cool guy."
So now I want to know how to make him love me. But first, how to make him sleep with me.
I threatened to kill myself if he didn't have sex with me, but all he did was roll his eyes and walk home.
Is this normal?
Magda

Dear Magda,
No offence, but you sound a bit mental. My guess is that you'd be getting sex right now if you weren't all weepy about it.
Just chill out, apologise to Eric for trying to manipulate him, promise never to try that emotional blackmail shit on him again, and then go to his place wearing a French maid's outfit.

Dear Andrew,
I'm worried about my friend. She's married to a cool guy, but she seems to be spending a lot of time with this creepy foreigner. I heard her talk about the foreign guy a lot and he sounded okay, but I saw them together at a party and I realised he's totally in love with my friend.
Part of me is worried that this foreign guy will ruin my friend's relationship, and part of me is jealous that two men like my friend and no-one likes me. I keep bothering my friend about it because I want to end her friendship with the foreign guy.
Is this normal?
Celeste

Dear Celeste,
I think interfering in the lives of your friends based on the flimsiest of evidence is a great thing and shows true grit. You're right to try to make this foreign devil look bad - my only worry is that you aren't going far enough. Nagging your friend? Is that all?
If you're going to do something; do it right. ANY future contact between your friend and this guy represents a complete and utter failure on your part.
Now, get creative and get that fool out of her life!

Dear Andrew,
I sometimes pamper myself by eating a pizza and drinking a couple of cold beers while I'm having a bath. Is this normal?
Jack

Dear Jack,
Um... not really.


Lost? Lonely? Need help? Leave your problem in the comments section and Andrew may respond in a future edition of Ask Andrew.
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2 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:02 AM

    Funny!
    I think that Jack is Andrew.
    Question: I was at my friend's flat the other day and I saw a worrying amount of Prosecco bottles in his kitchen. He told me he was going to drink one bottle a day until he gets fat. I am not sure wether he said that to get my attention or if he was serious. What should I do about it?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmm... "Is this a cry for help?"
    Good idea for a future topic!

    ReplyDelete