Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Why I Didn't Flirt With You

1. Girl in Domino's Pizza

I watched you come down the street. I thought, 'Gosh, she looks nice. I hope she comes in here so I can find true love.' And you did. You looked Scottish, but spoke Swiss-German. You had a fragile beauty. You ordered a Hawaiian pizza with EXTRA pineapple, and confirmed the order, stressed that you might not get enough pineapple. Pineapple on a pizza is a crime, and that's why I didn't flirt with you.

2. Cute Girl at Football

You turned up in the middle of our game, looking innocently cute. You had a tight shirt on. You looked at me and waited for me to tell you it was okay for you to play. I said it was okay for you to play. But I didn't flirt with you. Because you were 45 minutes late.

3. Girl at Gay Party

You were one of few girls at a gay guy's party. You said some interesting things, but when I said, 'Hey, come and play this fun game I just invented,' you said 'no'. So you kind of blew your one shot at finding happiness.

4. Hot Girl at Gay Party

You were a girl. You were hot. You live on a different continent. Anything more than 20 minutes away is too far. That's why I didn't flirt with you.

5. Girls Sitting on Chairs in Remote Corner of Party

You were some girls at a party. I'd been told you were single and looking. You sat in the corner the whole night, scrunching your breasts with your tight, cross-armed postures, pretending the rest of the party wasn't happening. I asked myself if I wanted to date a girl who would go to a party to meet a guy and then do whatever possible to prevent flirting from happening.
The answer was no. I don't want that.

6. Girls Standing in an Impenetrable Circle at a Party

Same deal as number 5. Seriously, try mingling.

7. Potentially Attractive Woman on Train

You were well dressed. You had a ponytail. These are things in your favour. But you were wearing sunglasses. On a train. At night.
So for obvious reasons, I didn't flirt with you.



  1. Anonymous9:37 PM

    1. The correct reason not to flirt with this girl is that she's so fucking uptight she feels the need to reiterate the specifics of her pizza order. It's a pizza. Lives are not in the balance here.

    2. Your British blindspot for football will be the death of you. Or at least the not-getting-laid of you. Who cares if she's 45 minutes late? That means she was there half the time. Fail.

    3. Who the hell says no to that at a party??

    4. She wasn't on a different continent right then...


    6. Flexing in the background is appropriate in this situation.

    7. Ha! I hope you made her foundation run with the heat of your scornful gaze.

  2. 2. Who cares if she's 45 minutes late? Me!

    4. Well, Cecile claims I *did* flirt with her. Maybe I did without realising it. It's hard to turn it off sometimes.

    6. Thanks for the tip! I'll try that next time. Or do a Napoleon Dynamite-style dance.


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