Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Mastering Online Dating: Part Five

Mastering Online Dating: Storms and Scams

I met with French online dating expert Cecile, and showed her what I'd written so far. After laughing uncontrollably in a crowded vegetarian restaurant for ten minutes, she then decided I'd done it all wrong.

"You should make fun of the women, too," she whined, "Not just the men."
"But the women are articulate, sweet-sounding people who just want to meet someone. Their spelling and grammar is nice and normally they write cool, interesting things."
"That's not true."
I showed her some profiles. She realised I was right. Nevertheless, she gave me some potentially useful feedback. "You should remove the funny picture of you in a jester costume." I agreed, and replaced it with this:

Your Face Here
I suddenly had an amazing inspiration for my username - instead of Better Than Perfect I would go with FunStorm. A storm of fun! But it had been taken. Stupid horny men taking my ideas!

I also got Cecile's opinion on my Metrodate profile, to which I'd finally added some text. After some minor arguments and revisions, it looked like this:

The next morning, I had two responses. One was a proper message, and one was a 'flirt'. Flirt seems to be a button you can click to let the other person know you're interested, but without doing any work yourself. Both the message and the flirt were from women who wanted my email address. Huh? Weird.

I did a quick search for 'online dating scams' and got this:

It's likely to be a scam if your correspondent asks you to go straight from on-site messaging to Instant Messaging (IM), or regular email (they don't want the evidence of their scamming to be visible to the site administrators as they will normally be kicked off)

Well, that fit the bill. But I tried to make the most of it. I sent fake woman A the email address of fake woman B, and vice versa. Hopefully they'd email each other asking for money transfers to be made to Western Union to unlock funds for blah blah blah.

A quick look around and I identifed a few common factors with the profiles that were probably scams - they talk about God, or wanting a god-fearing man, or use biblical language in general (is that how people talk in Nigeria?). They're often widows. For a good model of a Nigerian scam artist, look on this site and scroll down to the bit about Bryant Harris.

Next - A Daring Adventure


  1. Ha! What would a woman do to surprise you "spiritually"?!

  2. I don't know what you've got against Bryant Harris dude. I have it on good authority (first hand assurance) that he is very honest in his ways and faithful at all times.

    Think you owe him an apology to be honest.

  3. Cecile, there are trillions of ways to surprise a man spiritually. Here's a few ideas for you to try out:

    1) Use a dice to decide your religion for the week.
    2) Get a Jesus tattoo
    3) Make voodoo dolls of your enemies (of which I'm sure you have many)
    4) Think for yourself once in a while. It's not a surprise if he has to tell you how to do it. God.

    Nick, I will apologise to Bryant Harris if he sends me twenty-five dollars to cover my apology expenses.

  4. Anonymous12:01 PM

    Hum, I ask my boyfriends to join hands with me for a little prayer and sacred chanting before sex. They do it cause they want my body, but they're definitely surprised.

  5. I'll tell him. It's only fair, even apologies have overheads.

    Reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons where homer gets an autodailer, is convicted of misusing it, and then sentenced to apologise to all the people he bothered. Naturally he uses the autodailer for this: "I'm really very sorry that I misused the phone system and harassed you. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me please send five dollars to Homer J Simpson at 742 evergreen terrace...)

  6. Nick is, of course, referring to a spammy idiot who posted the same message three times on different parts of my blog (messages I've removed). I actually clicked the stupid link to see what was there, and it was dire. But I guess the spammer kinda won, in the end, because all he wanted was for someone to click on his site.


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