Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Mastering Online Dating: Part Six

Mastering Online Dating: A Daring Adventure

I rewrote my Plenty of Fish profile because the obnoxious one was funny but off-putting, and I wanted to start actually meeting chicks. On my new profile, I used this Helen Keller quote as the heading:

"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." The rest of the profile fit that theme.

My research led me to believe that you should include a 'call to action' in your profile. That's why adverts finish with 'call now' or 'call today'. So I wrote this at the end of my profile:

Join the adventure. Write to me!

After improving the profile, I spotted a hot babe and decided to try it out. She had great hair and in one of her pics she was wearing an Arsenal shirt. She claimed to love men who watch football.

Suspicious, but whatevs. I wrote:

Hey, I liked what you wrote on your profile, even though there wasn't much detail. The Arsenal shirt is a huge problem, though. Can you try again with something sexier, like Manchester United?
Next, I chose a very attractive 23-year old and wrote:

Hi, I read your (short) profile... You sound normal enough. Now tell me what's REALLY wrong with you! ;)
To a cute girl with a nice smile:

Well, you sound like you might be more than just another pretty face. Something tells me that you're probably getting about 50 emails a day from loser guys saying things like "Hi, I'm freshly divorced from my seventh wife, have 5 kids I never see... but the good news is that I have a good chance at finally getting a job when I get out of prison..." etc.
In any event, I'm a teacher, have my life together, and I'm more than the usual amount of interesting and funny, so you'd better like to laugh.
You sound like you might make an interesting friend, so let's get together for a cup of something delicious and some interesting conversation... if you think you can handle it, that is!
I forced myself to send the same message to the prettiest girl on the site, who I'd been cyber-stalking like a maniac since I signed up. I made a slight change in that I sent it as a proper message instead of as a quick message - the quick messages all ended up with the subject line 'hi'. So lame! I didn't know! No-one told me!

Couple of days later the only responses I was getting were from Nigerian scam artists. What the hell is wrong with women? They go to parties to meet guys and sit huddled in the corner. They go online to meet guys and never write or respond. Why? 

Me raging at online dating
It was both a blow to my ego as a man and as a writer. How were they not seduced?

I decided to try and use Nick's profile. Nick is the husband-to-be of Cecile. They met online, making him a trillion times better at this game than me. But Cecile told me that, in fact, she was more or less the only woman who replied to Nick in months of him trying.

Worrying! If I'd known that I might not have started the whole thing. This project could end up as a damp squib.

But I still had some places to go. I could send follow-up mails to girls who didn't reply to me the first time. Then there were other websites I hadn't tried yet, including the most important one in Switzerland, Swissfriends.ch ("where Switzerland falls in love"). And my failures had forced me to come up with a different approach, which I was ready to try.

Next - Zoosk and Cold Reading


  1. Inaccurate version of my story. Nick tried online dating for two month, sent quit a lot of messages and got very few replies. One day, or you might say, the LUCKIEST day in his entire life, I saw his profile and I wrote to him. I wrote first that is.

  2. Which basically proves that my profile was awesome. I didn't even need to send messages - that was my early mistake. I could just leave it there, the baited hook dangling off the back of my yacht while I lazed on the deck in the sun and drank beer.

    If you caught the leprechaun of romance, hung him by his feet, and beat him like a pinata my profile would fall out.

    Also, my messages:replies ratio wasn't that bad, it's just the replies:awesomeness ratio was pretty poor.

    The only ones you need feel bummed out about are the ones who come online every day and still don't reply to your messages. And you don't need to feel bummed out about them either because they're clearly lamers - I mean there's not that many vaguely credible guys on the damn website, if they're checking it every day then they should at least bite at the few eligible enquiries that arise. Chicks.

  3. Anonymous6:30 AM

    Check out www.beautifulpeople.com
    It's a dating website for (you guessed it) Beautiful people and you set up a profile and the other users rate your attractiveness and if you score low, you are kicked out.

    Worth a try....

  4. Hmm... Weirdly spammy. But surely a reputable and socially useful website like that wouldn't spam my poor innocent blog?

    To find out how my online dating adventures end, check back two or three times a day for the next two months until it's all published.

  5. Man, that looks like the basis of a GREAT new game.

    Everyone makes a beautiful-people profile, as fake/real as they like.

    Whoever gets the highest score from the clearly very classy beautiful-people demographic, wins!


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