Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Mastering Online Dating: Part Eight

Mastering Online Dating: More Zoosk1

It was finally happening! After a couple of weeks of silence and lameness from internet women, I suddenly had responses from my cold reading victims. One added me on Facebook, and the other wanted to chat with me. Cold reading was two for two. It was working! Amazing.

I had a break at work, so decided to go nuclear with the cold reading stuff. I sent tons of messages out. Like, two.

I found a sexy spiritual hippy-type. Deadly green eyes, she had. Oh, my! I was smitten. Based on her pics, I could tell she was sex-mad, so I sent her a more sensual kind of message:

I love the sight of an outgoing extrovert, free from society's BS, but the funny thing is your eccentric side is just a hint of the many things going on inside you.

A twist of rebellion, free will, and independence, you're like the point where punk rock meets poetry. It's a beautiful disaster. [Yes, I just quoted a song.]

I'm guessing you're a little bit of a narcissist, but in a good way. The way you present yourself doesn't just display a sexy confidence, but it's almost like a gift for anyone willing to take a second out of life to look your way.

Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. But I think you would be an interesting person to talk to.
Hello. :)

Then I saw another girl who wasn't super-hot at first sight, but grew on me to the point of total obsession within minutes. I spent a bit more time crafting the perfect cold read for her, then mailed it.

Just after I'd done that, a message came on screen to say a girl was checking out my profile. She was pretty fit. I started thinking about what it would be like to impregnate her with my babies. On the site you can answer an icebreaker question, then people can comment on your answers. Useful for shy people I guess.

Since she'd looked at me first, I could try something a bit different. I thought I'd start by being kind of a dick, then do some cold reading, then finish by being nice. The classic 'nice cold dick sandwich' technique.

Hi, I noticed you cyber-stalking me. I came here to write and complain, but actually I like the way you write on your profile. Although why you need 24 icebreakers.... don't tell me you're shy!

(then the bits about being romantic and narcissistic etc)

I guess the easiest way to talk is on FB? Andrew Girardin - my profile is open so you can cyber-stalk me a bit more. Write me!

This was a whole new level of genius. I clicked send and nothing happened. FUCK! My internet had died. What the hell?! This was my dream woman and I was losing her because of dodgy wireless. Before my head explodedI re-established a connection and sent the message.

There was no reply.

Next - For the Good of the Article

1 Remember that Zoosk is bad and I warned you not to go there. Don't even go there to see if I'm doing reverse psychology or something. I'm not. I genuinely think you should avoid it. There are other sites where you can perv at equally hot babes.

1 comment:

  1. Your fiendish, calculating cold reading is freaking me out.

    But the line "Nice cold dick sandwich technique" cracked me up.

    Sooo... on average... thumbs up.


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