I decided to change things up by going to another website. I tried Zoosk1, as one of my Swiss students mentioned she'd tried it. First impressions were that there were lots of local girls there. The other sites had more expats. Second impression, there were a LOT of quality women to mess with. This time the name FunStorm was available, so I used that.
I refined my profile even further. The main change was at the start. I wrote 'This is what you'll come and read after I've sent you an interesting message and you can't resist checking me out...' Cheeky! Women like cheeky.
I had to wait for someone to approve my text, which took the wind out of my sails. It could take days for someone to manually check what I'd written. I wanted to hit on girls right away, but The Man wouldn't let me. Don't these jokers realise that internet users have a six-second attention span?
Fortunately I was motivated enough to wait because I wanted to try my new strategy - cold reading. That's what fake psychics, mediums, and fortune tellers do to get women crying and receptive to the idea of giving them money.
I told Cecile my plan, and she reminded me of something I'd done years before. Apparently, I'd said to one of the female teachers at my school, 'You're the kind of girl who is outgoing and fun but once you get a boyfriend - zoompf! We never see you again.' She denied it and got pissed off at me, but it messed with her head because it was true.
Cecile wanted me to cold read her (even though I'd known her for almost a year and knew everything about her already). Annoyingly, instead of listening to me explain why cold reading was manipulative and I'd rather not do it anymore (except in a desperate attempt to be good at internet dating), she kept saying, 'Do me! Do me!' So I said, 'You're the kind of person who interrupts interesting guys and wonders why she never hears the ends of stories,' and then I went home to cold read some hot chicks.
I logged in to Zoosk. I had a message! It said they had scientifically found my ideal match! Exciting!
When I clicked on my scientifically ideal match, she looked like this:
|My dream woman, according to Zoosk|
I saw a nice-looking brunette and scanned her profile. Within seconds I was in love. She was gorgeous! In her pics she was well-dressed with a sly smile. I sent her this:
Oh boy! We have a true eccentric here. You seem to be a fun person who enjoys the simple things in life. You can't resist a classy gentleman, and you're probably intuitive enough to weed through the losers, even though you tend to overlook small details and probably hate reading the instructions to new things you buy.
You're probably a good friend and a great listener, but you probably talk a lot as well...when your turn comes in conversation.
Even though most of your pictures show you in a fun way, you are most likely one who stays in and catches up on your favourite TV shows on the rainy Zurich days.
Next was a thin blonde. You could tell she was getting hit on all the time because she had pages and pages of 'gifts' from horny guys (pointless little icons that adorned her profile). I sent her the same message as the first one, but forgot to change Zurich (the place the first one lived) to Bulach (where this one lived), so she might have been able to guess I was sending the same thing to everyone. I SUCKED AT THIS! At least I remembered to tell her how to contact me on Facebook.
A unique kind of woman, and passionate.
I think you would be an interesting person to talk to.
Zoosk threw another chick in my face through the scientific matching system. She was kind of somewhat nice-looking, in a dumpy way. I had the choice of clicking 'yes' to see what happened (I guessed that if she clicked 'yes' too then we'd be told we liked each other). That was interesting in terms of making fun stuff happen to write about. On the other hand, she was a bit dumpy. I didn't want the internet to think I liked dumpy women, so I clicked 'no'. Send me hotter girls, retards!
I went to bed and dreamed of threesomes involving my future brunette and blonde internet girlfriends.
1 Please do not ever, ever sign up for Zoosk. You'll see why in part 9.
Next - More Zoosk