Sunday, November 13, 2011

Mastering Online Dating: Part Eleven

Mastering Online Dating: Last Chance

After only six weeks of research, experimentation, and trying multiple dating websites and approaches, I finally came close to finding true love on the internet.

I wrote to a good-looking woman with the user name Swan, and she wrote back. She wrote back! Loads of times!

How did I do it? OkCupid tells you how often women reply to messages. Swan's said she 'replied selectively.' So I started with that:

Replies selectively, huh? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Then I hit her with some cold reading stuff. She checked out my profile and said:

Challenge won I guess. ;) Hello! God your eyes are blue.. :) 

My fake analysis of her had been a hit:

So you think you worked me out? Actually you did or let’s say you’re on to something.

She told me what I'd got right and what she didn't quite agree with. Then she peppered me with questions, some of which I answered. We exchanged four or five emails. She was interesting and intelligent. I liked a lot of what she wrote and how she wrote it.

So it was going great! Great success!

Surely all I had to do to get a date was continue to be socially normal and not screw up? Well, that would have been boring. So I started giving her points for things I liked, and removing them when she screwed up. I told her I'd meet her when she had 15 points.

likes cats +2
replied to me +1
isn't totally passive, makes conversation progress +2
is insecure about her English -1
likes my eyes +1
funny +3
cynical about self-improvement -1
gave me mental image of being snubbed by dolphins which made me laugh +1
claims to have been emotionally hardened by tough job in marketing -1

That went down pretty well. Then I pushed it too far and she got fractionally pissed off at me. But she conceded I was the most interesting guy on the site and we got back to messaging each other frequently.

In order to push for the first meeting, I unleashed the Federpig technique I'd invented slash read about somewhere on the Internet. You start describing the first date and try to get her to finish the story.

"There she is, coming towards me in the penguin enclosure of the zoo. (etc etc - see part 10 for more).

Your turn! What comes next?

She fudged with 'busy', 'traveling on business', 'just got back from the gym' type messages for a few days. Finally, she did what I asked. Her Federpig reply was 530 words long, which for a non-native user of English means a lot of time and effort. And it was really cute and charming.


Wow his eyes are really super blue! But I won’t give him the pleasure of asking if they are real. He sticks out his hand, I like that. Three kisses would have been fine too but this is much more classy because you actually touch.

So, this girl was cute, intelligent and interesting, and interested in me enough to play my games and write long essays for me. And she wanted me to touch her. We had to get this off cyberspace and into a Love Hotel! I'd done MORE than enough to get a normal, mentally healthy woman to meet for a coffee.

I pressed for a date. She didn't reply for a week. After another round of mails and another week, she (finally) agreed that the next step would be to get a coffee sometime. I told her a date I was free, and a time, and left my phone number.

She never replied. She'd been using the internet to get some extra male validation in her life. A little harmless internet romance to pass the time at work. If she had any genuine interest in meeting people, I'd have met her.

But she didn't.

Because online dating is a stupid waste of time.


* Some bots (fake humans) were interested in me on a site I had to pay to use (Zoosk AKA Boo!sk). I refused to blow 30 chuffs that could be used to buy pigs in Bangladesh into the pockets of scam artists.

* On Metrodate, there was a total of one woman who was not a Nigerian or Russian scam artist. She didn't reply to my mail.

* On Plenty of Fish, all the hot women had seen my funny but obnoxious profile and decided not to write to me. 

* On OkCupid, my refined profile and genius mails got me great cyberflirting. And zero dates.

I failed at mastering online dating.
So I got someone to do it for me.

Now read - Outsourcing my Online Dating


  1. Anonymous7:39 PM

    Aww... :( You'll meet your perfect match in rl. You need to be seen and interacted with to really appreciate the real Andrew Girardin experience! ..and the blue eyes ^^

  2. That chick sucks.

    I bet she was lying about liking cats.


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