By now I was heartily sick of online dating. It's not an efficient way to meet people. But I'd told everyone I was doing it and they kept bugging me about my progress. And I'd written loads of chapters...
So I forced myself to carry on.
OkCupid is a free site owned by Match.com and seems to be run to help them study the habits of online daters. Fine with me.
Signing up to these dating sites is often slow and tedious, but OkCupid have made it slick, quick, and hassle-free.
I tried to take it moderately seriously...
On the bit that says, 'The first things people usually notice about me' I put 'My piercing blue eyes.' God! Lame! Horrible! Predictability is the enemy of attraction. Edit!
I changed it to 'His eyes are so blue. They must be fake. He has fake eyes.'
I asked my online dating expert Cecile about it. She liked it, but being a bolshevik she couldn't resist adding her own thoughts. We had a surreal conversation on gmail chat.
it's not true
it is soooo true!
It is literally my first impression of you
I met you one time
then the second time you saw me you called me by my name and I had a moment of panic because I did not remember yours
but then it popped in my head and I said: "Your name is Andrew, right?"
And you turned all red
NO it is EXACTLY what happened. I'm offended you don't remember!
that would be a good mix of over-confidence and shyness
the blue eyes thing plus the turning red
it goes great together
it's not a poem
well you wanted smthg original and different
and that would be original and accurate at the same time
except for the accurate part
I would not invent such a thing.
And then every time I said your name you made a weird face, a bit red
you have actually lapsed into a vegetative state
Nevertheless, although it was the product of a fevered imagination, I decided I liked it and stuck it on the web.
So my profile was tight. So tight that a gorgeous Germanic girl visited my page. Her profile picture was mostly just neck. The other picture was just her cleavage. Intriguing...
I mailed her suggesting that if she lived closer I'd have written an elaborate mail to get her attention.
Oh please send me that elaborate mail just for the sake of it. ;(
I decided to play along, as I had a new idea to test, which I call the 'First Date Role Play Gambit' (or Federpig):
Sigh, I don't know. It's a lot of work, analysing your profile and writing cool and amazing things and being awesome. But okay. Pretend this is the first thing you got from me...
Hi, I like (thing she wrote on her profile), too! It seems we think the same way. But we should put that to the test... Here's my plan: I'm going to tell the first part of the story of our first date, based on your profile and my imagination.
"There she is, coming towards me in the penguin enclosure. I told her to wear something casual. She has ignored me, and is overdressed. I'm annoyed, but in a good way. I'm glad she made the 182km journey to come and try to seduce me.
"She's close now. I've been admiring her walk to the exclusion of all other brain function. She has a sensual grace. She's understated. Classy. Suddenly I experience a moment of panic. Should I kiss her three times on the cheeks or once on the lips? She has a quirky smile as though she knows my dilemma.
"'Hi, I'm Hot Internet Guy,' I say, sticking my hand out like frikkin Hugh Grant in a lame movie. 'Hi,' she says, 'I'm Mirzipan.' That is her real name. Her hand is soft and her voice is attractive. She's wearing a ring on her middle finger."
Your turn! What comes next?
She didn't exactly play along, but we had a fun conversation, and she gave me one of those stupid awards things, which would make me more attractive to other women on the site. Maybe.
Federpig was a massive hit. I used it in my last, desperate attempt to meet a woman from the internet, which you can read about soon...
Next time - Last Chance