And The Survey Says...

Recently, Cecile wrote an article on her blog about women, beauty, and self-confidence. Her conclusions were based on an anonymous internet survey she created. Sadly, the results were somewhat distorted because I filled in the survey four times, disguised as women.


Cecile's questions were thought-provoking beyond belief, and any feminist would have been proud of them:

How good-looking do you think you are?

How often do you wear high heels?

Would you like to lose weight?

Do you have any complexes?

Have you ever considered plastic surgery?

...

CHARACTER ONE: The Nine

Like most of my fictional characters, The Nine was more a collection of witty responses to prompts than anything resembling a realistic, coherent person.

Cecile started a chat with me an hour after I filled in the form. She was suspicious...

Cecile: I saw your survey thingy
            lol
            It was the only one where someone selected "9" to
            describe themselves


(This was surprising, since I knew Cecile herself had filled in the form, and she had once spent ten minutes trying to think of someone hotter than herself. She finally said, 'I dunno, maybe Helen of Troy.')

Me: huh?

Cécile: It has to be you.

Me: what are you on about?

Cécile: did you fill in my survey?
            and selected 9 to say how good looking you were?
            and then put jokes in it
            it can't be a real girl who did it

Me: why not?

Cécile: because
            I know it is you
            lol
            I'm reading it again
            you're sick!
            anyway
            I got dood results

Me: that's dood

Cécile: I meant good!
            34 women and 1 man did it
            I'd like to get more results though
            maybe you could tell your students about it or smthg?

Me: 1 man? huh?
       what did he write?

Cécile: yes, YOU
            he or she wrote, in reply to:
           Why do you wear heels?
           "To make sex kinkier"

Me: That sounds reasonable

Cécile: Do you have any complexes?
            "I own a factory complex in Guangzhou"
            lol
            I'm still laughing!
            and on plastic surgery
            "I think about having my ears symmetricised"

Me: So she's American. A Brit would write 'made symmetrical'

Cécile: no
             an american would write
             symmetriciZed

Damn! Busted by my innate Britishness. Well, she was on to me now. No need to be subtle any more.

CHARACTER TWO: The Bald Dwarf

Bald Dwarf slash Midget

Q: How much time per day do you spend doing your hair?
A: 0 Minutes.

Q: Do you have any complexes?
A: As a bald dwarf, life can be hard. I'm very aware of people staring at me. People tell me to get a wig but I'd prefer to feel good about myself the way I am. It's hard, though, because magazines and movies tell us we need to be tall and have hair to be attractive and happy.

Q: Have you ever seriously considered plastic surgery?
A: I guess if I won the lotto I'd have a leg extension op. It's painful, but being a couple of inches taller would improve my quality of life tremendously.

Email from Cecile:
You're insane! You're disturbed! You're obsessed with dwarves! You're fucking up my survey stats!

CHARACTER THREE: Siamese Twin 1

Conjoined Cecile

Q: How often do you wear high heels?
A: 3 times a week
Q: If you wear high heels, why do you wear them?
A: I don't want to, but my sister loves them, so I have to, otherwise we'd look stupid.


Q: Would you like to lose weight?
A: Yes.
Q: If you selected yes, are you on a diet?
A: Not a diet exactly, but I'd like to lose about 60 kilos. That's how much my sister weighs.

(I wish I'd been there to see the puzzled look on Cecile's face.)

Q: How much time per day do you spend choosing your outfit?
A: Longer than 30 mins.

Q: Do you have any complexes?
A: I have a complex about my sister. I think men prefer her. She's always been the pretty one. And we have fights all the time about what to wear, that's why it takes so long to choose our outfits. She wants to dress much sluttier than me.

Q: Have you ever seriously considered plastic surgery?
A: Yes. Surgical separation (to remove my sister).

CHARACTER FOUR: Siamese Twin 2

Q: Why do you wear high heels?
A: Partly it's to look good, and partly because my sister doesn't know how to walk in them. It makes her look clumsy and thus I seem more elegant.

Q: Do you have any complexes?
A: I think men think it's strange having sex with my sister watching. And she's ugly, so maybe they worry about her touching them while we're making love. Then again, some guys are really into it. For some, it's the closest they'll ever get to a threesome.

Q: Have you ever seriously considered plastic surgery? 
A: I'd have a surgical separation done if it were less dangerous. But it's not so bad having my sister by my side (excuse the pun) all the time. She makes me look good, and I like bossing her around.

Q: Do you have any final thoughts you'd like to share?
A: I'm highly confident and look down on insecure women such as my sister.


...


Ironically, although my fake answers were weird, illogical, and a cruel pastiche on female insecurity, the real results were little different. Go have a look and see for yourself. Click here.


Then click this link to see a diagram that explains how women's brains work. It's worth the half a calorie it will take, I promise! (The text at the top means 'The way women think has finally been modelled.')
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