Saturday, March 17, 2012

Are Zombies Real?

Zombies Are Real: Historical Proof

A student of mine is one of the world's top experts on St. Francis of Assisi. He spent an hour answering all my stupid questions, such as 'Was he the one who slept on a pea?' and 'Who'd win a fight between St. Francis and Buddha?' When I asked him if St. Francis had a girlfriend, he went to his bookshelf and picked out a book.
"This," he said, coming back to the table, "tells the story of St. Francis and his girlfriend, Klara."
"He had a girlfriend?" I asked. "They were allowed?"
"Yes, they were." He slid the book towards me.
"Wait," I said, frozen by the image I saw on the cover of his book. "Um...." I sat in a daze, unable to speak for several moments.

I will now show you the picture:

St. Francis of Assisi: "Brains!"
It's a frikkin zombie! A zombie with a bowl cut!
"He looks like a zombie!" I blurted out, then remembered that researching St. Francis was my student's passion. "A bit," I added, politely.
"Yes, yes he does." My student seemed unmoved.
"Was he a zombie?"
"There's not much evidence either way."
I took a closer look at the picture. What looked at first like a tear in his sackcloth (on the left of his torso) started to look like a human hand that he was going to snack on later. I was sold. Zombies were real.

I decided to scour the internet to find other historical zombies. I believe my research proves irrefutably that zombies have co-existed with people in every epoch. They have even shaped the course of history, presumably as part of the kind of overly elaborate four-thousand year grand design we normally associate with vampires.
Confucius: "Brains!"

Founder of Confucianism 
551 BC – 479 BC 

Look at him all grotesque there! You have to give him props for being one of the most influential zombies of all time and for inventing chopsticks. But if he came shuffling towards me on a foggy night, I wouldn't be worrying about reconciling my needs with the needs of my community. I'd be loading my AK47.

Herodotus: "Brains!"
The Father of History
484 BC – 425 BC 

I won a copy of 'The Histories' by writing a haiku for The Guardian. I wrote in to complain that they hadn't sent it, and ended up getting two. I remember there was some stuff about giant ants and chairs made of human flesh in among some fascinating, presumably more true, stories.
But look at his little face! It's all crumbly like a zombie's. And apparently he used to go into woods with babies and come back alone.

Cleopatra: "Brains!"
Queen of Egypt
69 BC –  30 BC

One of history's best spin doctors, Cleopatra was able to convince everyone she was a total babe. The truth, as you can see, is that she was a deformed in-bred zombie queen who married her brother, as was the zombie custom of the day.
Historians have recently realised that hieroglyphics they previously understood to mean 'bathed in milk every day' actually mean 'ate slave brains to feed her undead craving for human flesh.'

Christine de Pizan: "Brains!"
Christine de Pizan 
Medieval Feminist Chick
1363 – 1430

So here's a woman who spent her life writing poems by day and snacking on asylum seekers by night. She got married age 15 and was widowed 10 years later when a transport strike cut off her supply of fresh meat and she was forced to eat her husband.
Look how green and weird she is! Her maid, too. Maybe they had some kind of zombie lesbian thing going on. I couldn't find anything about that on Wikipedia.

Queen Elizabeth: "Brains!"
Elizabeth I
Queen of England
1533 – 1603

I didn't realise she was a zombie until I found this portrait. More research uncovered this gem - when she famously said 'we are not amused' she was, at the time, eating a baby clown.
Anne Frank: "Brains!"
Anne Frank
1929 – 1945

Anne Frank's story makes me sad, as do her hollow, sunken zombie eyes, and I wish her life had been different. But I can't help feeling that hiding from the Nazis would have been easier if she hadn't consumed three kilos of fresh man-meat every day.

Have you seen a historical zombie?
Do you know a current celebrity who is probably a zombie? Please let me know! Only together can we foil their evil schemes.


  1. Hunter7:35 PM

    Well researched and informative. I shall certainly keep an eye out for Them.

  2. Facebook_Stalker9:45 AM

    Hey Andrew, what's your favourite zombie movie?

  3. Sean of the Dead! Very funny...


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