Sunday, May 20, 2012

Just Call Me Angel ... of the Starbucks

There are three reasons why I quit getting a Venti Chai Tea Latte almost every day. 
First, I realised I could sit in Starbucks for hours on end using their wi-fi, not buy anything, and feel absolutely no remorse.
Second, it's fattening. 321 calories. By my calculations, if I cut out beer and Chai Tea Latte I will lose 40% of my body weight in four months.
Finally, it's crazy expensive. In Zurich a Venti is 7.50 Francs (that's 8 US dollars or 5 Great British pounds). If you're reading this in a future decimated by hyper-inflation, those figures will have no meaning. So think of this: for the price of one Chai Tea Latte, you could send a mosquito net to Angola and save a mother and child, or watch half a movie in a cinema, or buy 1.2 shares in BP.

However, sometimes I wake from a daydream and find myself at the counter having just ordered and got my loyalty card stamped. That's how I know that Starbucks have a weird new thing of taking my name no matter how many people are in the queue. The last two times I was the only customer, and when asked what I was called, I said, in my sexy British accent, "Andrew." Both times the (Swiss) baristas looked puzzled and made me repeat it. "Andrew," I said again.

With weird results:

Angel 1
Angel 2

After two days of this, I decided to go in and say my name was 'Voldemort,' which would have been the first in a hilarious series that I'd turn into a blog post. But it was too early and I was too sleepy to do it properly. So I told the super-gay barista that my name was Andrew (because it is). He gave me a queer smile (both meanings), stamped my loyalty card twice and wrote my name in his flirtiest handwriting:

So now instead of giving silly names and taking photos of the cups for YOUR amusement, I'm going to call myself 'Angel,' act gay and try to get free drinks until I'm too fat to be attractive to the gay baristas.
At which point, I'll quit getting Chai Lattes again.


  1. Anonymous1:08 PM

    awesome post! :-)

    Cheers Marc

  2. In a San Francisco bar, my friend Melodie introduced me to her cousin's , Rainbow and Dragon. Took the whole night to realzize that they were named Reno and Andrew.

  3. I want the Starbucks guys to call me Dragon!

  4. Update - today the gay guy called me 'Mister Angel' and gave me THREE stamps! They're like three little kisses!

  5. :-D Love it!
    I read another brilliant post on the baristas messing up peoples's names recently. Unfortunately, my name is so easy (in German, English and French) that they never get it wrong.

  6. It gives me new hope. Free chai lattes for the price of an "angel" written on the cup. It's just lovely stuff.

    Ali (Geneva)

    PS Just found your blog - not even sure how - marvellous stuff and hope you become very rich and famous because of it, as you clearly deserve to be

  7. Thanks Ali! But I exist not to get rich or famous, but to entertain you and add value to your life.

    PS You have to change your blogger settings so that people can see your profile (e.g. cyberstalkers like me)

  8. Dear Self-Confessed-Cyber-Stalker-Redeemed-Almost-By-Being-A-Very-Clever-Blogger,

    Maybe my blogger settings are shhhh quiet in order that cyber-stalkers (the unredeemed ones) don't see my profile?

    Kindly, from the other side of our little country,

  9. Dear person-who-seems-to-have-a-blog-but-doesn't-want-anyone-to-read-it,

    You've shown your impeccable taste by liking my blog, so I want to read yours!

  10. Dear Angel/Andrew/Boy who knows how to look after himself in terms of free chai lattes even if it means masquerading as gay,

    I have a blog. It's private (invitation only) and I'd be delighted to share it with you. I need your email address to do so. Is that something you could send me?

    Yours with deepest envy over said free chai lattes,

  11. Yay! You can mail me at, username beardsy