Sunday, August 12, 2012

Cecile Writes Sports

Christmas came early this year when Cecile told me she wanted to do a course in Journalism. My face lit up. So many opportunities to make fun of her!

"I'm going to set up a new blog called Diary of a Media Studies Student, and write about what I imagine you're doing," I told her, correctly predicting that changing the course title would annoy her. "It would go something like this. Day 6: 
Today we had to cut out articles from newspapers. I was the best at cutting. I got a sticker."
"Shut up."

After checking the course requirements I pointed out to Cecile that she'd have to write four sports stories during the course. "That's easy," she said. 

"Well," I said, "You don't really know a single thing about sport. You don't know the difference between conkers and CONCACAF, you think The Miracle on Ice is a musical ice skating show, and watching you play badminton is like watching a toddler in an egg-and-spoon race." 

"Those are all excellent points," she agreed, "Maybe I should watch a football and write about it and you can edit it for me?" 

"Yes. I promise not to post your first draft on my blog."

Cecile's Football Match Report First Draft
by Cecile

There is a red team and a blue team. The blue team are taller and have better hair. All the players line up and sing a song. That's nice. I count 13 on the blue team and 9 on the red. That doesn't make sense. The game has started! I'm excited.

Now I'm bored. Nothing is happening! Why is this fun? I'm trying to count the players to check how many are on each team but they keep moving so I can't. Is the pitch artificial? It must be, because it it's as perfectly manicured as a French armpit.
Nick says this girl is the referee. 1) Why is the referee 6 years old? 2) Why is she Spanish? This isn't FAIR

They just did a close-up on a red player and ohmygosh his leg muscles are huge! I wonder if he's wearing underpants.

My fiancé Nick just explained 'offside' to me. It's completely clear now. I absolutely get it. It's just like netball where only one player is allowed to score the points. Oh, look! A goal!

Um... the score in the corner of the screen still says 0-0. Weeeeeird! Apparently it wasn't a goal because the flagman held up his flag. He's funny! The red team are Spain.

Oh, a real goal! And another! Spain have scored two goals in ten seconds! The first was a good goal involving lots of kicking the ball and some heading the ball. But the goalkeeper should have stopped it. It was really easy. The ball went past him in slow motion! The second goal was very, very similar. Maybe all goals in football look the same?

The score on the screen still says 1-0. It should say 2-0. What a booboo!

Nick tells me the second goal was a replay of the first goal. Then he starts explaining offside again, using our cutlery. Maybe if we'd bought the more expensive cutlery I wanted explaining would be easier. I'll go shopping tomorrow. I tell my fiancé Nick that I understand offside completely, and look up at the TV to find Spain have scored another goal. Two points to nil. It might be hard for the blue team to catch up. Or it might be really easy. That's why sport is exciting, I guess.
The blue player is trying to help the red guy put his collar straight. Stand still, you silly Spaniard!

It's half-time so I go to refresh my make-up, like all famous sports writers. Locked in the stall, I use my smartphone to brush up on the rules about how many players are allowed on the court.
During a play, each team should have no more than 11 players on the field, and each of them has specific tasks assigned for that specific play.
So that's that cleared up. The second half is very boring for a long time and then Spain score two more goals. They run around smiling a lot and that makes me smile. But the blue team are crying and look unhappy and that makes me cry unhappily.

The final score was 4 points to 0. I think Spain should have let the blue team score one point. That would have been nicer. But still, Spain are the winners. For today! I'll be back to report on the return game, just as soon as I find out when it's on.

See how many players they have? I think they cheated



  1. I love, love, love it! Can't work out whats better, Cecile's draft or the fact that you posted it. She is going to harm you one of these days. Kind only lasts so long :-)

  2. Andrew I think it was very wrong of you to take Cecile's first draft and post it on your blog. If she's your friend you should be helping her instead of making fun of her all the time.

  3. Cécile8:44 PM

    OMG! I never wrote any of this stupid draft! No-one should EVER believe ANYTHING Andrew write or says about me.

  4. This is hilarious! My husband always makes fun of me because I feel bad for the losing team, even when it's not our team.

    Fake Cecile, you should get a Peabody Award. Is that the one they give to journalists?

  5. Haha, this is perfect. Cécile, at least you know that there is a piece of sports writing out there now that is far worse than anything you could create. You should thank your friend Andrew for doing that. He seems like a great guy. Haha. ;)


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.