Thursday, November 01, 2012

I Bleed Assassin's Creed

How to Assassinate Your Friends

There is a small box in my flat which can turn a nerd into a ninja. The box contains a video game called Assassin's Creed.

A few months ago all I did was play and talk about Assassin's Creed and its sequels. The games involve a lot of sneaking around, hiding in crowds, and getting close enough to a target for an undetected kill.

Playing the game led to real-world changes in behaviour. After playing the first game, I stopped carrying coins in my pocket to minimise the noise I made walking. By the time I'd finished the second game every building in Zurich became architecturally fascinating - anything can be climbed.

With my skills, any building can be climbed

After completing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, I realised I had become a stealth master. A ninja.

I arranged to meet Cecile. She was waiting outside the hotel near my flat. I used the pillars in front of the building to get closer to her, and when she was distracted by the noise of a passing child, I joined a pocket of people heading her way, snuck up behind her and freaked her out. 

Sneaking up behind my best friends and scaring them became my new hobby. I tried to photograph the results for your amusement.

Like this:

Anna preparing lesson

Shocked Anna
Now, while you can clearly see that she's startled, what you can't see is her patting her chest as though her heart's about to burst, and calling me a jerk and a moron and trying to hit me.

Instead of moving on to a different project, like a socially normal person, I decided to invest in one of these:

A head-mounted HD camera!
I put it on and waited for an opportunity to film an 'Anna-sination.'
Sadly the results were poor and I had wasted 35 francs. But then I got an iPhone and could launch sneak attacks anywhere, anytime.

Here are some videos displaying my ninja skills.

Video 1 
Synopsis: Anna is trying to talk to her boss in German. I scare her. She instantly switches to English to swear, and then calls me 'Stupid English'.

Video 2
Synopsis: Cecile thinks she is safe because she is at work. She isn't. "Where were you hiding?!" Upside down on the ceiling, like Batman. True story.

Video 3
Synopsis: My brother has come to Zurich and we're meeting Anna for lunch. I see them heading to the restaurant, and my Assassin's Creed training kicks in.

Assassin's Creed 3 has just been released. Let the ninja training recommence!
. .


  1. So great.

    If I hadn't already convinced Cécile to marry me I would have started trying anew as a result of that video.

  2. Anonymous4:39 PM

    So when you play GTA, do you practice running from the police, killing prostitutes, and jacking car at gunpoint in Züirch?!

  3. No.

    I don't have a gun.

    (Also, when I play GTA I drive carefully and stop at red lights and stuff).


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.