Wednesday, January 16, 2013

How to Fix Broken Barcelona

Recently I went to Barcelona for the first time and saw Messi score his 89th and 90th goal of 2012. Barcelona is nice but flawed, like a cake with raisins. 

Here are some things they need to fix before I go back.

1. The Hostel

Our hostel was cheap and staffed by attractive young people. But it wasn't all bad - they had free wifi. I sent my chick some photos of cool graffiti I'd found, which, because the connection was a bit iffy, didn't get delivered right away.

She woke up and sent me some sweet WhatsApp messages along the lines of 'I miss you; Sunday mornings aren't the same without you'. The hostel wifi decided that THAT was a good time to send her this:

Don't ruin my relationships, please, Barcelona!

2. La Pubilla
We had lunch here and it was super delicious and the wine was perfect. However, the menus were in Catalan and they didn't have pizza. Also, the name sounds really vaginal.

Proposal: Serve less seafood, have an English menu, and change your name to 'Pizza Hut'.

3. Weird advertising
This incorpora company, whatever it is, has a weird sense of humour.

'Down' with this sort of thing.

4. Overly Cheap Gay Sex
I know the economy is bad, but have some self-respect.

Charge a decent rate for your services, gays of Catalonia!

5. Fashion
Look carefully. This is a dress. What the what?!

Ever heard of touchscreens, Catalan designers? Keyboards are sooo 70s.

6. Flags
Flags add atmosphere to the Nou Camp, but it'd be more fun to make Messi play while carrying a flag. That'd make Barcelona's victories slightly less inevitable.

7. Unfinished
One of the worst things about leaving things unfinished is

8. Please Pay Here
They offer an interesting range of desserts, from gross blobs of hot chocolate to genuinely sublime cheesecake at 'Granja M Viader'. But what's this sign I found on my table? It says 'Please pay here at the table.' It annoyed me a lot. In my opinion, and I'm sure the internet will agree, it should say 'please pay here' OR 'please pay at the table'. There's no reason it should say both, except to mess with my head.

Fix it!

9. Wasted Opportunity
Look at this photo. It is the ceiling of Barcelona's fancy new airport. As you can see, it is bland. Why oh why oh why don't they beam Freddy Mercury and Montserrat CaballĂ© onto it, 24 hours a day? When I go to Barcelona, I want to look at things and hear Freddy Mercury, so that looking at things becomes EPIC.

"The moment that you stepped into my airport you took my breath awa-ha-hay-ha-hay." Or something.

Barcelona, the ball's in your court now. Let me know when you've sorted it out.


  1. Yeah, yeah. Of course it's all Barcellona's fault that you sent your chick a crude graffiti art picture after she sent you sweet nothing's and she didn't think it was funny. Damn wifi!

  2. But! I sent it *before* she sent those sweet nothings. For once, I'm innocent! And Barca's to blame.

  3. My apologies, my comment was supposed to say 'before'. Old age. Don't worry it will happen to you soon enough. You sure your chick just does not dig your sense of humor? And now you're blaming it on Barcelona. I decided to start a sentence with 'and' too, as you the English teacher did. So now I feel like I'm allowed to.

  4. You are allowed to start with 'and'. You can do whatever you want! The only rules are 'don't talk about write club' and 'the things you own, end up owning you.'


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