Sunday, August 25, 2013

Cecile's Diet Diary

Fans of my blog, of which there are literally five, naturally assume that 'Cecile' is a comic character I invented. It's true that if she didn't exist, I'd have to invent her, but she is real. She moved to New Zealand to study journalism, and sometimes sends me drafts of articles.

I helped her with a sports article, and stalked her early career through the corrections page.

Here's her latest piece, originally planned for the Health section of the paper:

Testing the Low-Crab Diet

by Cecile Meier

Every week a new fad diet hits these shores. Most are unscientific or even unhealthy. The latest is the low-crab diet. Since my weight has been creeping up close to the 65kg dangerline, I decided to test it for a month and see if it works.

Day 1
I didn't eat any crab today. I did some online research about low-crab diets and found lots of very confusing and contradictory information.

Day 2
Still didn't eat any crab. Looked into which restaurants do the best crab. So I can avoid them.

Day 3
Found a childhood photo of me. Made me quite peckish.

Me, aged 13
Day 4
Good day. No crab. Waited all day to eat (crab-free risotto! mmm!) and my fiance Nick said I was 'being crabby'. Why do people keep saying that? I hadn't told him about this project and I couldn't believe he was accusing me of eating crab. We had a huge fight and I damaged the wooden floor by stamping on it. By the time I'd calmed down it was already the next day and Nick had gone to work.

Day 6
Accidentally ate some crab.

Day 9
Crab cravings reached intolerable levels. Tried to buy crab-flavoured ice cream. Supermarket didn't have any. Stole some cornflakes as punishment.

Day 14
I've been eating about 2 kilos of crab a day. But I'm losing weight! I'm down to 62kg. Strange results, but I'm enjoying this diet.

Day 15
Nick asked why I had brought home another three carrier bags full of frozen crab. I told him about the low-crab diet. His forehead wrinkled unattractively and he tried to tell me something about carbohydrates but I hate when he goes on about Science and I felt he was attacking me so I threw a crab at him and he went to work. But it did remind me that it's supposed to be a low-crab diet, not a high-crab diet. Must eat less crab.

Day 22
Haven't seen Nick for a while. Turns out he has gone to stay with his parents. His mother came round to get some clothes for him and the first thing she said was, "Holy Christ! This place stinks to high heaven! I thought he was joking." I pointed out that I'd lost 5kg and gave her some fried crab in some tupperware. It looked like she wanted to say something but she just left.

Day 24
Someone - and I suspect we all know who - has persuaded the shop to stop selling me crab. I was so angry I trashed their cereal aisle. Then I hid outside and persuaded kids to buy crab for me. I love kids! I'd be a good mother.

Day 42
My month-long experiment has turned into a lifestyle choice. I'm down to 50kg and my skin glistens. My pharmacist told me it has a "moist, cave-like quality". Hurray!

Day 45
Filed my article today. Manager looked at me over his glasses and said, "Ah... so that's the reason. But please stop coming to the office. We fired you two weeks ago. Because of the smell."

Day 80
Tremendous interest in my 'High-Crab Diet' book. Publishers are queuing up! They're saying it could be the top fad diet of 2014. Exciting times ahead! My personal life is going great, too. I've moved in with Pagrus. He's my soulmate!

Pagrus on his ship, 'The Genus Cancer'

1 comment:

  1. Hey! No! I am NOT 65kg. This is a tissue of lies! I am Sixty TWO kilos. Don't print lies about me!


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