|Girardin-San - Sumo Teacher, Diet Guru|
Hi! I'm Andrew Girardin and I'm the creator of the Summer Sumo Plan. To think that this time last year I was trying to lose weight! I cheerfully lost 5 kilos and was looking forward to losing 5 more. Funny old world.
Of course, these days I work as a Sumo trainer and it helps to have a large, corpulent body. So I developed a series of easy-to-follow weight-gain principles which my students and girlfriend have used with great success, and which I will let you buy from me at the end of this article.
But first I'll tell you what NOT to do! Because what not to do is what I, stupidly, did, back when it was my target to get my weight under 80 kilos.
I ate more vegetables. Less pasta. Fewer pizzas. As little sugar as possible. A touch less alcohol. Ate soup to make me feel fuller.
Huh? There has to be more!
What about exercise?
Doesn't matter much. In the six months after publishing my Flab Loss Mastery post I trebled my training. For many months I was doing ten or twelve hours of sport a week. My weight barely changed!
But when I reduced my intake of carbs, the weight dropped off me. I stopped eating a loaf of bread every day and bought - and used - a wok.
On days where I just had to pig out, I had a small pizza instead of a medium, or two beers instead of three.
I kept 'sins' to one a day. Chai latte or wine. Ice cream or cheesecake.
Bam! Result! I woke up one day and was 79.9kg. Victory! I was delighted - until I realised my low weight was hindering my career in Sumo.
Now, if you think putting on weight to become Sumo-compatible would mean doing the opposite of everything I just said - (drinking booze; wolfing down lots of rice, pasta, and bread, unfettered gorging on sugary treats) - you *might* be right. But before I tell you how to give me money, read this inspirational Case Study.
Your dream, ever since childhood, has been to wrestle Sumo. Now's your chance. You've chucked flour around the doyho and your big white nappy is moist with sweaty anticipation.
Left leg, right leg, squat, go! Tora, tora, tora! You and your foe collide.
|"You no can Sumo."|
"No," says a wizened old Japanese man. "You no can Sumo."
"But why?" you ask, your lip wobbling.
"You no flab. You no make slap when Sumo."
He claps his hand twice, and two giant Sumo dudes line up against each other, race forward, and, at the moment of impact their bodies say "SLAP."
For days you marvel at the memory of that sound. SLAP! How did they slap so good?
Because they had flab-aplenty. You stare unhappily at your six-pack and toned arms. You must turn your attention to getting some serious deposits of fat. "I need to flab up, and fast. Then I can become a Sumo, and make good slap."
Hunched over your laptop you find the internet is bitterly divided on the subject of how to gain weight. At first, it seems you should do less exercise and eat more fatty foods. But that doesn't feel right. So you dig a little deeper.
Bingo! You've found the site you're looking for. It's called Andrew Girardin's Summer Sumo Plan and it guarantees results without scientific mumbo-jumbo, stress, or expense. Great!
Following his plan, you do as much Sumo training as you feel like, while gorging yourself on rice, bread, pizza, ice cream, and chocolate. Your legs are stronger, but your body weight has doubled. And it isn't all useless muscle either. It's good, hearty flab. Girardin was right!
The old Japanese Sumo-master is impressed by your new body. So impressed that he palpates your man-breasts for a good four minutes, all the while saying "Hai!" Inspection over, you cover yourself with flour, adjust your big white nappy, and charge into your opponent.
There's a well-deserved standing ovation. Everyone knows how much Sumo means to you. One man strides forward to shake your hand. He introduces himself as Andrew Girardin. You envelop him and say 'thank you, thank you,' over and over again. He downplays his role in your transformation, and says that you have inspired him. He's fucking awesome.
For more information about the Sumo Diet, including details of his book tour and Sumo coaching, follow Girardin on Twitter using the link on the top-right. Or insert the thingy @AndrewGirardin into one of your doodads.