Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Apple to Live Off Interest

Releasing first quarter results two weeks early, Apple Inc (AAPL:US) has surprised investors with the announcement it will cease production of its entire range of popular consumer gadgets, wind down its retail network, and lay off almost all staff.

Really, why bother?

"We've just got piles of cash," said a source very close to CEO Tim Cook. "Seriously, it's blocking the corridors. It's a fire hazard; we've had to buy snowmobiles to get to meetings. I know making more money is supposed to be at the heart of corporate activity... but you know how when you masturbate too often you kind of get bored of it? That's where we're at. Also, Tim is tired of people complaining he's 'not innovative enough' while the company makes $40 Billion a year in profit.

"So we're going to live off the interest, pretend to read Kierkegaard, and try not jerk off too much."

"This is shit, I want our old coffee table back"

A soon-to-be-laid-off engineer said, "We just got bored of the whole incremental improvements wheeze. We feel like we wrote The Great American Novel with the iPhone and the iPad was our Godfather Part Two. Am I upset that I won't have to make everything skeuomorphic and pretend to like iTunes? Dude! I'm off to Thailand to find true love."

Shareholders received the news positively. "It's all good," said mardy billionaire David Unicorn. "This way I still get my dividends, but I won't have nightmares where I'm working in Foxconn desperately trying to conceive the means of my suicide."

CEO Tim Cook has stated that he wants to buy a remote island, and is said to have made a bid for New Zealand.

Bye everyone! Thanks for all the money!

Additional reportage by Nick Butcher

1 comment:

  1. This is the funniest read in a while, hehehehehehehe


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