Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Learn EQ with Handrew (Part 1)

Hi! It's me, Andrew Girardin. As you know, I'm the world's number one expert on Emotional Intelligence, online dating, and snarkasm. But I wasn't always like this. I had a mentor. It's this guy:

My name is Handrew. I taught Andrew everything he knows. If you're reading his blog, you must be an appalling human being, so you qualify for my help too.


Lesson One: Know Yourself

Listen to Handrew:
"The first thing we need to do is put you in your Quadrant. Quadrants are the jargon I made up to describe your personality type. Simply answer these questions:

"Question 1. You see a spider. Do you:
a) Pull its wings off
b) Tickle it till it's bald
c) Instagram it then eat it?

"Question 2. On a scale of one to ten, how self-aware are you?
a) One.
b) Ten.
c) Is one high or low?

"Final question. You are in Coca Cola headquarters. In front of you is a yellowing scrap of paper with the secret recipe on it. If you read it, you'll know the biggest secret in the world, but the executives of that company will dedicate their lives to making you miserable.
1) Read it. I want to know the secret.
2) Read it. Being hounded by a corporation would give my life meaning.
3) Tl:dr. Lol.

"Now, check your results on this chart."

You answered...
Mostly A
Your personality type is BLUE.
Blue people have a strong need for people to like and respect them. They feel sad reading the previous sentence. They are more likely than average to over-condiment their food.

Mostly B
Your personality type is RED.
Reds often have goals and dreams that are unrealistic. They react violently to flies and mosquitoes. They are more likely than average to have a favourite letter.

Mostly 3
Your personality type is SQUIRREL.
Squirrels are their own worst critics and hate the way their voice sounds on tape. They are more likely than average to use the word plebiscite. Their fur is soft and silky.

Mostly OTHER
Your personality type is DIVERGENT.
Divergents have one leg longer than the other, but enjoy jogging or hiking nonetheless. Their personalities exhibit elements of the other three - sometimes they transform into PURPLE SQUIRRELS, causing obvious friction.

"Great! Now that we know your personality type, we can start deleting everything that's holding you back and reprogram you. Don't be afraid - it's easier than changing from Apple to Samsung!"

Coming soon: Part 2


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