Some time ago, I reviewed the HP Officejet 6700. A friend who works at HP complained that I had been unfairly negative, but after pouring two beers into him he admitted that among HP employees the Officejet 6700 has the nickname 'the Voldemort'.
The fact that I paid for that object gives me a greater sense of shame and remorse than anything I've ever done in my wicked life. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change what I said to that babe I later realised wanted to bang me, nor would I try to forestall the incident I call 'Andrew Buys a Chicken' (don't ask). No, I'd persuade myself not to buy that printer, even if it meant creating a time paradox (you know, from future me slapping past me in the face).
Anyway, after I tried to remove the dark spirits that lived inside it by means of a screwdriver, it stopped working. Jen insisted I buy a new device so she could continue to print pictures of sleeping kittens and sloths in buckets.
After some research I decided to take a punt on a Brother laser printer. Here are my findings:
* It doesn't download 'updates' every time you want to print a quick page before work
* As far as I can tell, it doesn't report that it's out of ink when you know the cartridge is 1/3 full (I haven't had to replace the toner since I bought it)
* It goes into 'deep sleep' mode soon after you've finished printing, so it's really quiet and doesn't invade your consciousness (unlike certain other objects I could mention)
* It can do modern wifi printing stuff. You know, print from your iPhone and all that
* It doesn't give you a lot to complain about, so if you're the sort of person who thrives on drama and strife, this might not be the printer for you
* If you print specialist things you might need something with better quality. I wouldn't know - I only print pages of text, and Jen only prints sloths, which come out just fine.
My name is Andrew Girardin and I approve of this product.