Tuesday, March 03, 2015

How to Train a Kitten



How to Train a Kitten


There is a common misconception on the internet that kittens and cats are independent creatures who live above the rules of man. Dogs can be trained, sure, but kittens are a force of nature. Right? Wrong.

Kittens can be trained and should be trained. These brief guides will tell you everything you need to know about how to train a kitten in 7 essential life skills.



Mindfulness for Kittens


Does your kitten run wild around your house? Does it fidget in its sleep? Does it whinge to go outside then come right back in again? Sounds like your kitten needs to learn mindfulness.

Step 1: Make deep eye contact with your kitten. This is sometimes called soul-gazing. Your right eye should look into the kitten's left eye.
Step 2: Mirror the kitten's breathing until you are in complete sync.
Step 3: Plonk the kitten down near a Newton's cradle (AKA a cat's cradle).



Step 4: Your kitten finds itself.

Drinking from a bowl


Step 1: Put milk in a bowl
Step 2: Put your kitten near the bowl
Step 3: Film the result
Step 4: Upload to youtube
Step 5: Use the millions of dollars in ad revenue to buy a less awkwardly-shaped bowl. Your kitten will detect the milk and start lapping away at it with no further input from you.



Waterskiing for kittens (optional)


Those who say kittens do not like water have never seen what happens when you turn on the taps of a sink. Anyway, most kittens, if trained at an early age, will take to waterskiing like a fish to a hook.

Step 1: Buy kitten-sized waterskis
Step 2: Attach them to the kitten for 10 seconds
Step 3: Repeat every day for 2 months, gradually lengthening the time per day the kitten spends wearing the skis
Step 4: When the kitten has grown accustomed to wearing the skis, drag him across a puddle.
Step 5: Gradually increase the size of the puddle until it is the size of Lake Geneva.
Step 6: Try with a speedboat.






Basic Peekabooery


Did you know you can train a kitten to understand simple conditional concepts? It's rather like programming a computer:

IF (user presses send) THEN (send email)

The method? Simple.

Step 1: Tickle kitten for 2 seconds. Remove fingers from scratch zone. If kitten reacts in astonishment, reward with a treat. If kitten doesn't react as desired, do nothing.
Step 2: Repeat many, many times until the timing and expressiveness of the kitten's reaction are exactly what you want.






Happy Slapping

Your cute little pet lives in a cold, hard world. You must train it to defend itself.

Step 1: Jab at kitten.
Step 2: Jab at kitten.
Step 3: Jab at kitten.
Step 4: Reward kitten for each successful parry with a treat.
Step 5: Apply ointments and plasters to wounds as necessary.




Playing well with others


Many kittens live in homes with other pets - dogs, guinea pigs, snakes - and the kitten must quickly learn to coexist with them. You must train your kitten to play nicely.

Step 1: Rub catnip on your dog/snake/whatever's head.
Step 2: Kitten will become friends with dog/snake/whatever.



Shopping with kittens


Have you ever been at the supermarket and loaded up a trolley with groceries, but found you wanted to buy even more? Wouldn't it be great if your kitten could help out? Well, with the right training, it can.

Step 1: Buy a miniature shopping trolley
Step 2: Tell the kitten he cannot play with it
Step 3: Set up a hidden video camera
Step 4: Check the footage
Step 5: Voila.






I hope you enjoyed these tips, and I wish you the best of luck now that you know how to train a kitten.


For more information on kitten training, see my brother's blog.


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