tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-117118752024-03-14T06:58:13.655+01:00Andrew Girardin's BlogQ - What is this blog about?
A - It's stuff written by Andrew Girardin. And comics and games.
Q - I'm weakminded and need to be popular. What do my peers say about it?
A - "Your blog is so funny! It's the best written blog! Why don't you write a full-length novel? I'd gladly buy it!"
Q - Is Andrew that guy who translates the Asterix jokes?
A - Yes.
Q - Why doesn't he just stick to that?
A - Good point. Don't know.Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-43338971001667909622014-09-18T23:33:00.000+02:002014-09-19T12:46:37.649+02:00Andrew's True Reviews: Cecile's Wedding<br />
<span style="color: blue;">Note - in the original version of this post, I cruelly used an unflattering photo of Cecile for comic effect. It showed her with a very curious facial expression. I have replaced that photo with a similar one of a well-known celebrity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I went to Cecile's wedding, and wrote an article about it for her newspaper. (<a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/opinion/blogs/chez-cecile/10516902/Its-a-nice-day-for-a-French-wedding" target="_blank">Here's a link to the article</a>, but I'll put it at the bottom as well so that you can read this first.) I only had 500 words to work with, so there were some details I didn't have space to include.</span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hA9bTL88wtE/VBwIrabSUVI/AAAAAAAADUw/HVMfyZ2wJr4/s1600/cecile%2Bface.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hA9bTL88wtE/VBwIrabSUVI/AAAAAAAADUw/HVMfyZ2wJr4/s1600/cecile%2Bface.jpg" height="320" width="229" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">1. In the morning we went to the registry office for the legal ceremony. Cecile told me it was going to be "just a simple casual thing" and then complained when I turned up in shorts.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Cecile told everyone to be at the evening service at 16:30 sharp. Sharp! Don't be late! At 17:15 someone turned to me and said, "Here we are, waiting for Cecile to turn up, not sure if she will. This must be how her students felt."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">(Okay, I said that. Whatever.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. </span><span style="font-size: large;">The ceremony was performed in French and English. Cecile tried hard not to mix the two up. "I take you Nick to be my usband... No, husband. Husband! With an H! Everyone heard me say the H! Stop laughing!"</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FW6pTQZPa2M/VBwJRHhSqGI/AAAAAAAADU4/FZTeO2gF5GI/s1600/cecile%2Bface2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FW6pTQZPa2M/VBwJRHhSqGI/AAAAAAAADU4/FZTeO2gF5GI/s1600/cecile%2Bface2.jpg" height="286" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. </span><span style="font-size: large;">When I met Cecile in the weeks before the wedding I asked what kind of cake they would have. "Shoe cake," she said. Obviously I laughed. When this made her angry I realised she was being serious and there really would be shoe cake served.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">I genuinely thought it was going to look like a shoe right until the moment I saw the tray of profiteroles (which she smashed with her fists like some nuptial Hulk).</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Turns out it's written 'choux'. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. Me and my girlfriend had a mini-break in Aix-en-Provence then went to Nice</span><span style="font-size: large;">. "Ah no you haff bin somewhere," said Cecile, "bwhut whahere hexactly?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I replied, "Aix, Aix, baby." She did that puzzled, half-blank, half-stupefied face of hers.</span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LcgkhxmSEr4/VBwJXjDrgWI/AAAAAAAADVA/wqZQbN4UPV0/s1600/cecile%2Bface3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LcgkhxmSEr4/VBwJXjDrgWI/AAAAAAAADVA/wqZQbN4UPV0/s1600/cecile%2Bface3.jpg" height="255" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She didn't know the song! Ice Ice Baby, the biggest song of the early 90s! Never heard it, never heard <b>of </b>it! She insisted that it was an obscure thing that was "only famous in Manchester." It became - with remarkably little prompting - the biggest running joke of the wedding, culminating in the dance floor being full of people singing 'check out the hook while the DJ revolves it' with Cecile in the corner, arms folded, while everyone laughed at her.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">(Not true - she danced along with everyone else.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. We also had to endure slideshows showing Nick and Cecile's progression from baby to married adult. ("Slide 296: <i>Nick gets 4 atoms taller"</i>). Well, apparently I'm <u>not allowed</u> to complain about that, because it would be <u>ungrateful</u>, because Cecile organised for me to have a <u>giant delicious tomato</u> instead of a fish dinner.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Listen up, relatives of the newlyweds, you did a good wedding and everything, but I've prepared my own slideshow. Show you how it's done. Learn up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><i>CECILE - A LIFE IN PICTURES</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><u>BABY</u></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wMOZsTXzXT4/UhidGAGcArI/AAAAAAAACnw/w76aeG1mCYQ/s1600/a.baa-cute-little-crab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wMOZsTXzXT4/UhidGAGcArI/AAAAAAAACnw/w76aeG1mCYQ/s1600/a.baa-cute-little-crab.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IsXdsxLGnlM/VBHwqviSXWI/AAAAAAAADTg/xhkYb4jazzo/s1600/kidswithdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><u>FIRST GALLIC SHRUG</u></span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fFhKdSsSsCc/VBH6EDgoZXI/AAAAAAAADUc/iHPUAuTOWlE/s1600/first%2Bshrug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fFhKdSsSsCc/VBH6EDgoZXI/AAAAAAAADUc/iHPUAuTOWlE/s1600/first%2Bshrug.jpg" height="170" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><u>FIRST BIKE</u></span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IsXdsxLGnlM/VBHwqviSXWI/AAAAAAAADTg/xhkYb4jazzo/s1600/kidswithdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IsXdsxLGnlM/VBHwqviSXWI/AAAAAAAADTg/xhkYb4jazzo/s1600/kidswithdown.jpg" height="195" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><u>MEETS NICK</u></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--aQWa8_KxNw/VBHy5SMV3UI/AAAAAAAADT4/AC2Vn5DvWEQ/s1600/_73460513_0h9pt2ho.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--aQWa8_KxNw/VBHy5SMV3UI/AAAAAAAADT4/AC2Vn5DvWEQ/s1600/_73460513_0h9pt2ho.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>ABANDONS VEGETARIANISM</u></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XsNcmkKU-ow/VBH0LiNOymI/AAAAAAAADUE/qAmix6Eo8-c/s1600/veggie.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XsNcmkKU-ow/VBH0LiNOymI/AAAAAAAADUE/qAmix6Eo8-c/s1600/veggie.PNG" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><u>PROPOSES TO NICK</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vPX6nyb0DJk/UnvL3VT1hAI/AAAAAAAACvw/OgFY1XvBsmM/s1600/Misery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vPX6nyb0DJk/UnvL3VT1hAI/AAAAAAAACvw/OgFY1XvBsmM/s1600/Misery.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><u>HAPPIEST DAY OF HER LIFE</u></span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zkcurehTutQ/VBwJcMFDPGI/AAAAAAAADVI/SsCGpekpZBo/s1600/cecile%2Bface4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zkcurehTutQ/VBwJcMFDPGI/AAAAAAAADVI/SsCGpekpZBo/s1600/cecile%2Bface4.jpg" height="257" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Anyhoo, here's that link to the article:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/opinion/blogs/chez-cecile/10516902/Its-a-nice-day-for-a-French-wedding" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Click here</span> for the best article ever printed in the southern hemisphere.</a><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-29594184216691261592014-01-21T12:02:00.000+01:002015-09-06T12:24:42.098+02:00Obelix and Co. : Latin Jokes Explained<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as</span><span style="font-size: large;"> when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.</span><br />
<br /><br />Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-6150834172901471432013-12-01T10:27:00.000+01:002015-09-06T12:24:52.562+02:00Asterix and the Great Crossing: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://www.everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/5/7/asterix-and-the-great-crossing-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as</span><span style="font-size: large;"> when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.</span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-23107668434125275452013-10-08T13:32:00.000+02:002015-09-06T12:24:59.126+02:00Asterix and Caesar's Gift: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://www.everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/5/5/asterix-and-caesars-gift-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as</span><span style="font-size: large;"> when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.</span><br />
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Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-71542839943444697112013-08-31T12:23:00.000+02:002013-08-31T12:23:00.373+02:00Arsene Wenger Simulator<span style="font-size: large;">I have made another game! Wow!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It's called 'Arsene's Window' and is subtitled 'The Arsene Wenger Transfer Window Simulator.'</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Can you do better than the real Wenger? Find out!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/arsenes-window"><span style="font-size: large;">http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/arsenes-window</span></a><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Let me know if there any bugs or typos.</span><br />
<br />Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-68614130520298373572013-08-30T11:30:00.002+02:002013-08-30T11:30:37.714+02:00Being Cecile Meier<span style="font-size: large;">I have created a piece of interactive fiction. It was partly inspired by the movie Being John Malkovich. So far, three people have played it. Here are the reviews:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Male #1:</b> This is amazing. I want to make one of my own. How did you do it?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Male #2:</b> It's very good. I enjoyed it, and learned a lot about the benefits of crab.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Female #1:</b> I laughed a lot, but it's so weird. Why are you so weird? Did you spend the whole day doing this?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">You can play the game by clicking on this link:</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/being-cecile-meier"><span style="font-size: large;">http://www.philome.la/AndrewGirardin/being-cecile-meier</span></a><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It's quick and fun. (It's playable on a mobile but on my phone the text was a bit small, so better to play it on a laptop.) Let me know what you think of it in the comments below.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-64763943345972774812013-05-14T22:26:00.000+02:002015-09-06T12:25:08.177+02:00Asterix in Corsica: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://www.everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/5/1/asterix-in-corsica-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal; text-align: start;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal; text-align: start;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: normal; text-align: start;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as</span><span style="font-size: large;"> when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.</span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: white;">.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">.</span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-13715984655664464892013-04-18T10:25:00.003+02:002014-09-24T18:39:05.977+02:00Dating a Dwarf<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I started dating a chick. Jen likes horsies, wears scarves, and talks about Ryan Gosling all the time. From this description, she would seem to be the same as any modern woman.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">However, there's one 'small' difference; She is a dwarf.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">You might think it's terribly hard for a normal-sized human like me to have a relationship with someone so very tiny, but like everything, there are advantages and disadvantages.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><u><span style="font-size: x-large;">Disadvantages of Dating a Dwarf</span></u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">There are more drawbacks than the very predictable ones, such as heightened (lol) belligerence and not being allowed on roller coasters.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Consider, also:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b><u>Death Stools</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Jen's flat has a spice shelf. She can't reach it. Now if that were me, I'd put my spices <i>on a lower shelf</i>. But no. The spice shelf is the spice shelf and there can be no discussion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">So, with scant regard to her personal dignity or my safety, she clutters her kitchen with tiny stools designed for babies. Every time I go into her kitchen I risk tripping up and smashing my brains all over the surfaces.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HlcqTwX1YFM/USAP12txXUI/AAAAAAAACVc/DYHzC3tKgA4/s1600/109.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HlcqTwX1YFM/USAP12txXUI/AAAAAAAACVc/DYHzC3tKgA4/s320/109.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Death Stool</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Which she wouldn't be able to clean because the cleaning products are stored out of her reach.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b><u>Can't Share Pillows / Pillow Fights Are Uneven Contests</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Jen has an expensive Swiss memory foam pillow. She persuaded me to buy one. We had this conversation:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Jen: Do you like your new pillow?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Me: Yes. It's very comfy. It's strange though...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Jen: What?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Me: I thought I'd bought the same one as you but... I don't remember yours being that big.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Jen (turning red): Oh.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: What?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Jen (squirming): Nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me (masculinely): Say it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Jen: Well, mine is child-size.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: !!!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Jen: Are you writing that down? Don't write that down!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I took some photos of her sleeping on my pillow. Her head looked like a solitary egg on a vast, empty buffet table. She refused to let me use the photos. So here's how <i>my </i>head looks on <i>her </i>pillow:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CDBNusTvmz8/UV2HB3ZQWCI/AAAAAAAACfU/4pY5IKoN88E/s1600/14885803-small-kitty-with-red-pillow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CDBNusTvmz8/UV2HB3ZQWCI/AAAAAAAACfU/4pY5IKoN88E/s320/14885803-small-kitty-with-red-pillow.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Possibly my hair gets a bit more ruffled</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /><b><u>Colonisation of My Lower Shelves</u></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">We've all seen sitcoms. We know what happens. A guy meets a girl and slowly she starts taking over his flat. I recently noticed it happening to me.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">But because she's so tiny and I don't allow Death Stools in my flat, Jen can only reach the bottom of my bathroom cabinet.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Look:</span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rFHHs9Ez4uA/UW-oKVXlhYI/AAAAAAAACf8/C3S7dj4_69M/s1600/003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rFHHs9Ez4uA/UW-oKVXlhYI/AAAAAAAACf8/C3S7dj4_69M/s320/003.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">On the top you see my contact lenses; the next shelf has razors and toothpicks. The lowest shelf, the one in range of her little arms, has some girl things. I simply have no clue what the liquid in the orange bottle IS.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My best guess is that it is growth serum, and I'm terrified that one night I'll be so drunk I'll use it as mouthwash.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><u><span style="font-size: x-large;">Advantages of Dating a Dwarf</span></u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">There are the obvious things, such as always having an ice-breaker ("Hey, have you met my dwarf?") and I can offer to give her a massage knowing it'll only take five minutes. But also:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b><u>Being Allowed To Play in Playgrounds</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Slides and see-saws are FUN but last time I went on some swings a woman came and shouted at me to get out of her garden. But if I'm out with Jen, people can't be sure what's going on. Perhaps she's my daughter? Or I'm doing charity work of some kind?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">So I get to use the equipment. Jen likes it too, because it makes her "feel like a giant."</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-27-65m_eG0w/UT88e_gRyJI/AAAAAAAACb0/mIUHAfVPjZ4/s320/018.JPG" height="320" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!</span></td></tr>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-27-65m_eG0w/UT88e_gRyJI/AAAAAAAACb0/mIUHAfVPjZ4/s1600/018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oOP3rht7pEo/UT88fWc_6rI/AAAAAAAACb4/c0kHkryV78M/s320/019.JPG" height="320" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">The correct way to ride a wooden horse</span></td></tr>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oOP3rht7pEo/UT88fWc_6rI/AAAAAAAACb4/c0kHkryV78M/s1600/019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span></a></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CDBNusTvmz8/UV2HB3ZQWCI/AAAAAAAACfU/4pY5IKoN88E/s1600/14885803-small-kitty-with-red-pillow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"></span></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Getting Hero Points</u></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">
It is well known that women compare men with storybook heroes and award or deduct points for heroic/unheroic deeds. Men who score a lot of hero points are pursued and kept; men who don't are discarded.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I lose points every time I say, "Okay, I'll just put some clothes on and be right there." I lose points every time I run out of milk, or don't hang towels up, or burp too loudly (rude) or too quietly (not masculine). Points are lost for so many reasons that it's a constant struggle to remain in the 'hero zone'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Fortunately I score points just by being tall enough to reach things, or even to see over walls or hedges.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Can't Lose Fights</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Another obvious one. Having dated a dwarf for a while, I realise that this </span><span style="font-size: large;">comic</span><span style="font-size: large;"> strip is a true story.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KwUUYi7pKn0/UWlIFpGIacI/AAAAAAAACfk/Qe9Xfzf6rf4/s1600/punchcomic.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KwUUYi7pKn0/UWlIFpGIacI/AAAAAAAACfk/Qe9Xfzf6rf4/s1600/punchcomic.PNG" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">The picture comes from a website called <a href="http://9gag.com/" target="_blank">9gag</a>, which I've been giggling through for half an hour instead of thinking of a proper ending to this post.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br />So that's it for Dating a Dwarf.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Coming soon: Death Threats from a Dwarf</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /><br /><span style="color: blue;"><u>Update, September 2014</u></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">I get a fair few hits on this page through search terms like 'advice on dating a dwarf' and such. Sorry if this site wasn't what you were looking for - I didn't set out to mislead you. If you want some real advice, treat your girlfriend well no matter how tall she is. Example - don't make fun of her on the internet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="color: white;">.</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-10604026992797038372013-02-26T12:47:00.000+01:002015-09-06T12:25:34.910+02:00Asterix and the Soothsayer: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://www.everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/4/20/asterix-and-the-soothsayer-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as</span><span style="font-size: large;"> when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It also has a new webcomic called Asterix vs Hitler.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<u><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u></div>
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: white;">.</span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-91927776888408294642012-09-06T17:30:00.000+02:002012-09-06T17:30:33.726+02:00How to Stop Coughing<span style="font-size: large;">This is my first blog post since discovering a miracle cure for rampant coughing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Four weeks ago, there was a heatwave in Zurich. I hate heatwaves because while they make women dress sexy, they also stop me sleeping. When I can't sleep, I can't write. I can barely flirt with the sexy women.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">When the temperature started to normalise, all my mental run-time was focused on a date with a local uber-babe. Come the evening of the date, she pressed herself against me and huskily whispered in my ear, 'I have something for you...'</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Then she coughed directly into my open mouth, said 'You're It' and scarpered, laughing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I shambled home </span><span style="font-size: large;">and after 36 hours of feverish sweating I spent ten days coughing all night. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Until last Thursday night, I'd had literally eight seconds of sleep in the previous three weeks, and no inclination to write anything.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I tried everything (I'm using a pretty relaxed definition of the word) - sleeping pills, cough medicine, flu medicine, beer, wine, pizzas, porn, sleeping upside down. Some things worked for a while then lost their edge. Some things did nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Thursday was the final straw. Having felt I was getting better I then started</span><span style="font-size: large;"> coughing so loud and so without cease that I genuinely expected the neighbours to knock and complain. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">It pissed me off. It made me furious. It filled me with a righteous anger. After punching my pillows and all the other soft things in my flat for a good hour, I sat tight-lipped (between bouts of lung-busting coughs) at my laptop and typed 'how to stop coughing.'</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Googling remedies! <i>Me!</i> </span><span style="font-size: large;">You can imagine how low I had sunk.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The first result - and it's another mark of my desperation that I clicked on the <i>first </i>search result - was from a website apparently designed in 1993 featuring grating backgrounds, spelling and grammar mistakes aplenty, unfathomable graphics, and 'secret Soviet Union techniques' peddled by a scary looking Russian man. All Russian men scare me now, after a recent run-in with a Russian student who I may blog about one day. Suffice to say that I am mortally afraid of Russian males and would rather eat my own face than take medical advice from one.</span><br />
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</div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But I was desperate.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">And three minutes later I was - pretty much - a hundred percent cured.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'll link to the site so you can giggle at it. But the content <i>seriously </i>works, so if you have a cough and want to control it, try this:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Breathe less.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Yep, that's basically it. There's some guff on the site about coughing causing reduced oxygen levels in the brain, but it doesn't matter. You just need to know what to do.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Start by holding your breath as long as you can (wonderfully called 'self-suffocation'), then breathe exclusively through your nose (in <i>and </i>out, DUH). </span><span style="font-size: large;">On the out-breath, try to consciously relax your muscles.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> If you feel like coughing, try to do it with your mouth closed. (It's all good for restoring your oxygen/CO2 balance, comrade. </span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #990000;">Warning - self-suffocation carries a risk of suffocation.</span> But seriously, don't die while trying this. That would be ridiculous.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">After three minutes of doing that, I was lying in bed thinking 'huh!' And then slept like a baby. I woke up on Friday feeling pretty damn good, and have been feeling 90% better and 90% less coughy every day since (exponentially). It's frikkin ACE.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Thank you, Soviet Union remedy!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.normalbreathing.com/stop-cough-at-night.php#.UEPKi7Lib-U" target="_blank">Check out the scary Russian man and his legitimately amazing advice here.</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
Update - a week after finding the cure, I'm sleeping without problems and have some minor coughing through the day. When it starts to flare up I just breathe through my nose for a bit and it gets better. It really works!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-4068412049214803572012-08-20T15:36:00.000+02:002015-09-06T12:25:43.886+02:00Asterix and the Laurel Wreath: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://www.everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/4/17/asterix-and-the-laurel-wreath-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as</span><span style="font-size: large;"> when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">It also has a new webcomic called Asterix vs Hitler.</span></div>
</div>
Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-57688458257822959812012-05-07T21:49:00.000+02:002018-02-21T22:50:43.936+01:00The Mansions of the Gods: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/4/15/the-mansions-of-the-gods-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Asterix things are now over at <a href="http://everythingasterix.com/">EverythingAsterix.com</a> - bigger, better, more beautiful. Check it out!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<u><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u></div>
<u><span style="font-size: x-large;">Book 17 - The Mansions of the Gods</span></u></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The story:</b> This is one of only two Asterix books without the hero's name in the title. In it, Caesar plots to cut down the forest surrounding Asterix's village and build an apartment complex named The Mansions of the Gods. He sends an architect, <span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Squaronthehypotenus, to carry out the deed. Even after encountering the Gauls, he decides to press ahead.</span></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ba116ikN2hQ/TwDO74_Yo-I/AAAAAAAAArA/9PQXfkpa3Ds/s1600/Gods1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ba116ikN2hQ/TwDO74_Yo-I/AAAAAAAAArA/9PQXfkpa3Ds/s640/Gods1.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RiUJO54nZq0/TwDPpMbXHAI/AAAAAAAAAr8/SN-6goOrp-c/s1600/Gods2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="342" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RiUJO54nZq0/TwDPpMbXHAI/AAAAAAAAAr8/SN-6goOrp-c/s400/Gods2.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Professor Ibrox explains:</b> <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Beati pauperes spiritu means 'blessed are the poor in spirit'. It's from the Sermon on the Mount.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The architect says that the gods seem to favour those with the least to recommend them. He's thinking of the Gauls, but it could equally be applied to Celtic fans, or nightclub bouncers."</span></span><br />
.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The story:</b> The architect has had great success in cutting down the forest, unaware that the Gauls are using magic potion to immediately regrow the felled trees. He wakes the centurion to announce the good news. The centurion has more experience of dealing with the Gauls, and is not easily excited.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hjzjwoEFshs/TwDPyINto-I/AAAAAAAAAsI/sTkU8bArglA/s1600/Gods3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="353" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hjzjwoEFshs/TwDPyINto-I/AAAAAAAAAsI/sTkU8bArglA/s400/Gods3.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NroqSKat23c/TwDP4vqaw2I/AAAAAAAAAsU/DtN2K18jvFk/s1600/Gods4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NroqSKat23c/TwDP4vqaw2I/AAAAAAAAAsU/DtN2K18jvFk/s1600/Gods4.JPG" /></a></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PoGhyDqT-ao/TwDQOisoQVI/AAAAAAAAAs4/yp0Uig8HyG8/s1600/Gods5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PoGhyDqT-ao/TwDQOisoQVI/AAAAAAAAAs4/yp0Uig8HyG8/s1600/Gods5.JPG" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Professor Ibrox explains:</span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched - Gnothe seauton. It means 'k</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">now thyself' and should really be written <i>gnothi seauton</i> as it is the aorist second person imperative, as I'm sure you knew.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">It doesn't make sense, but perhaps that's the intention. Probably it's just a setup for the 'it's Greek to me' line. Instead of Know Thyself they should have written 'Know the Gauls'. That would be more logical, but isn't a famous Greek phrase.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">My head is not a happy place to be right now. Still, at least the bouncer came off worse."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The story:</b> The Gauls have changed strategy and have decided to let the Romans build the Mansions of the Gods. The Romans publish a promotional brochure to drum up interest in the flats.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WFDPw1OEUOM/T6gmch3EXlI/AAAAAAAABEg/FPV_P7XtdoU/s1600/Gods6.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WFDPw1OEUOM/T6gmch3EXlI/AAAAAAAABEg/FPV_P7XtdoU/s320/Gods6.JPG" width="253" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mansions of the Gods brochure, page 2</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RfRNLIVwmdo/T1uWnLqTtOI/AAAAAAAAA1Y/7f4BSzXpCBU/s1600/Gauliseum.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RfRNLIVwmdo/T1uWnLqTtOI/AAAAAAAAA1Y/7f4BSzXpCBU/s400/Gauliseum.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gauliseum detail enlarged</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Professor Ibrox explains:</span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"I made Andrew include this one because it's one of my all-time favourite Asterix gags.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Basically, the brochure shows how great life will be when the Mansions of the Gods are finished. One of the things they plan to build is not a </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Colosseum but a</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"> <i>Gauliseum</i> - a great pun.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">You could go there to watch the Gaulacticos play football or listen to the Spice Gauls."</span>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The story:</b> For a laugh, the Gauls have sent Cacofonix to sing in the Mansions, which is the equivalent of sending Serge Gainsbourg. Predictably, the occupants panic and start preparing to leave.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tvwfC9Sw5PA/TwDQIgguyDI/AAAAAAAAAss/208_eJVoP7Q/s1600/Gods7.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="311" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tvwfC9Sw5PA/TwDQIgguyDI/AAAAAAAAAss/208_eJVoP7Q/s320/Gods7.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="font-size: x-large;">Professor Ibrox explains:</b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Quousque tandem? Brilliant joke!<br /><br /><i>Quo usque tandem</i> is the first bit of the first line of Cicero's oration against Catiline. Catiline was one of the chief conspirators during Cicero's consulship, and Cicero had the pleasure of prosecuting him, but his speeches against him are florid and overly rhetorical.<br /><br />The whole line means 'When will you stop testing our patience?' You could say Quo usque tandem? in many situations - for example, to the man in the next cell who keeps singing <i>Je t'aime... moi non plus</i>, complete with moaning. <br /><br />Shut up, you drunk old dirty old man or you'll get some of what I gave that Celtic-loving bouncer!</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-small;">Professor Ibrox will return in 6 weeks (or fewer with good behaviour).</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">.</span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-82566375296199096802011-12-24T12:07:00.000+01:002015-09-06T12:26:37.702+02:00Asterix in Switzerland: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/4/11/asterix-in-switzerland-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A sexier version of this post, plus great new Asterix content, can be found on my superb new site - <a href="http://www.everythingasterix.com/">EverythingAsterix.com</a></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><u><br /></u></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><u><br /></u></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-52323855554008326382011-10-14T09:37:00.000+02:002015-09-06T12:22:43.248+02:00Asterix and the Roman Agent: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/4/10/asterix-and-the-roman-agent-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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</div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-54089791105858831532011-09-08T09:59:00.000+02:002015-09-06T12:22:18.265+02:00Asterix in Spain: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/4/3/asterix-in-spain-latin-jokes-explained" rel="canonical"></link>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span></div>
<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u>
<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u></div>
Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-78080362430107937942011-08-21T09:37:00.000+02:002013-01-22T15:33:27.754+01:00Mastering Online Dating: Part Two<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Mastering Online Dating: My First Profile</span></b></u></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Time to set up my Plenty of Fish profile.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">First I needed a username. This was huge. The right one might not generate a lot of interest, but the wrong one can be a dealbreaker.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u>WRONG ONES:</u></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">jedimaster</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">i_wash_everyday</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">DADDYpimp</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">peni_shaver</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I wanted to use sexy words like 'discover' and 'imagine'. Or maybe something romantic like 'Shining Knight'. I stared at the screen for about fifty minutes. It's harder than it seems to think up a name. Part of the problem was that everything had already been taken, even 'hot_teacher4u', so I had to be over-creative or use lots of numbers at the end of the username, as in Hot_Guy8888888888888.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I finally chose 'better_than_perfect' and also set up an email account with that name.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">NOTE - you will get thousands of spammy mails from these websites, so set up a separate email account for it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Surprisingly, the site wanted to know my income range and whether I was the oldest of my siblings. They claim it makes better search results. Porn sites give pretty good results without that info, but maybe it's different when finding true love.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I had to choose the headline that people would see, and write some info about myself.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">BAD HEADLINES (real):</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">looking for gud relationship</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hi</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">am look for a virtures woman</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">fishing for my cousin</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">(amazingly, the profile is dedicated to finding a date for his 'cousin'!)</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I finally went with:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<blockquote>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Headline: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">I'm too good for you</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Profile: I'm a selfish jerk. I look good in a shirt or a hoody. Young enough to do it. Old enough to do it right. I don't smoke. I'm lots of fun. I don't have time for petty drama or emotional hysterics. I'm intelligent and well-educated and don't care what anyone thinks of me. I do what I want, when I want - but you probably figured that out already.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If I had to write a newspaper personal, it would read something like this:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Handsome, cultured intellectual with perfect body and perfect technique seeks beautiful married woman to make her husband jealous. In return, I want diamonds, fast cars, and expensive meals.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">If you think you could handle me, think again. But if you really insist on taking on a challenge you can't handle, get in touch.</span></blockquote>
(The text was based on a 'be a jerk' video that came up in my research - can't take all the credit). <br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Next, the photo. I chose one of me looking hot and emphasising the blueness of my eyes. It's me next to a hot girl, but I cropped her out. Nevertheless, you can see part of her face - enough to know that she's smoking hot. Ace psychology!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bf0Tlk18HtU/TffLMKKdN_I/AAAAAAAAAM0/uXNY7U07BDg/s1600/BTP1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="138" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bf0Tlk18HtU/TffLMKKdN_I/AAAAAAAAAM0/uXNY7U07BDg/s640/BTP1.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Then the site gave me a 40-question personality test. It didn't take long to do and the feedback was pretty 'accurate'. Things like, "You sometimes feel like the most attractive person on the train." Having said that, I recognised a lot of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btP_vy5cQq4">cold-reading</a> material in there, so I was dubious about whether it was going to work or not.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Next - <a href="http://andrewgirardin.blogspot.com/2011/08/mastering-online-dating-part-three.html">My first messages.</a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;">.</span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-36761198786365350542011-08-14T10:24:00.000+02:002013-02-26T13:47:22.774+01:00Mastering Online Dating: Part One<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Mastering Online Dating</span></b></u></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">BACKGROUND</span></b><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Online dating is weird and odd and strange and wrong. Or is it? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I decided to rethink my attitude to the whole internet dating thing when I realised that two of the hottest girls I know met their boyfriends online. Hot women are cruising for men online! The future is now!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I decided it might be fun to conquer the world of online dating and write about it for your amusement, and to serve as an instruction manual for lonely, horny men who don't have access to the quality of babe that I do. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I had some funny ideas to try. But it wasn't totally a joke - maybe I'd meet a lovely fraulein to settle down with. And we could raise sheep and make hot chocolate for each other and argue about who should bring the bin bags outside, and everything else involved in true love.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">GOAL OF THE PROJECT:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">To find out how to get women to reply to me on websites, and ultimately, to meet one of them in real life.</span><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">** NERD INTERLUDE **</span></b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">First thing I did was try to find my copy of Freakonomics, because it had some interesting data about online dating. I lent it to someone, and couldn't remember who, but <a href="http://www.onlinedatingedge.com/2009/11/freakonomics-and-online-dating.html">this site here</a> summarises the info.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">In short, on your profile:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">* You must have a photo</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">* Everybody lies</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">* It's best to 'overestimate' your income - women care about it when searching (I'm genuinely surprised.)</span><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">STEP ONE - CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION</span></b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I had a look at the <a href="http://www.plentyoffish.com/">Plenty of Fish</a> website, which seems to be one of the main ones in the Anglo-Saxon world, at least, and searched for men my age. Wow. If <u>these</u> guys were my rivals, I'd be overrun by female attention within days:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Username:</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Stew</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b style="font-family: inherit;">Heading:</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Shrek's brother</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YOU9Qr1UvAM/TgiEVoPpO4I/AAAAAAAAANg/KA5dZHr9yPw/s1600/imgres.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YOU9Qr1UvAM/TgiEVoPpO4I/AAAAAAAAANg/KA5dZHr9yPw/s1600/imgres.jpeg" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Profile:</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">im honest (honestly. lol), im cheeky, im fearless, i may look like shrek on the outside but i also have his heart of gold and have all the love in the world to give to the right person</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>My reaction:</b> Actually, that's not too bad. "What you can't fix, feature." And it's kind of funny. But still, he looks like Shrek and I'm <u>way</u> hot.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Username:</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">BigMan</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Heading:</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">looking for good woman</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ar8UzA2HBR0/TgiE_r0qSBI/AAAAAAAAANk/YE1Qrj6jIF4/s1600/imgres-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ar8UzA2HBR0/TgiE_r0qSBI/AAAAAAAAANk/YE1Qrj6jIF4/s1600/imgres-1.jpeg" /></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Profile</b>: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">i am tim i live alone have 4 kids i seen all time work for me self have few cars because i bye and sell them i like to do my own think and i like makeing money i dont drink or smoke</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>My reaction:</b> Women like grammar and spelling. And kids, but not four kids, probably from four different women.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Username:</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">LonelyHeart</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Heading:</b> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Oooooosh!</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Profile:</b></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #313131; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 20px;">IF YOU HAD ME ALONE... L0CKED UP<br />
IN Y0UR R00M F0R TWENTY-F0UR H0URS<br />
& WE COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED<br />
WHAT W0ULD Y0U D0 WITH ME? TELL ME IN<br />
A MESSAGE... CUZ ITS A SECRET... THEN<br />
REPOST THIS IN YOUR PROFILE... YOU MIGHT<br />
BE SUPRISED WITH THE RESPONSES YOU<br />
GET...LOL</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>My reaction:</b> If I had you locked up in my room I'd steal your identity and credit card info, buy torture equipment on the internet, and use it on you until you stopped being such a lameass. And what is 'oooosh?' anyway, and why should a girl like it?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And so it went. Every guy positioned himself as a nice guy. Half included the word 'genuine'; few the word 'fun'. Most had weird stretchy photos that looked shit. If I had a uterus, I wouldn't look twice at any of them.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>Next:</b> <a href="http://andrewgirardin.blogspot.com/2011/08/mastering-online-dating-part-one.html">I set up a profile.</a></span></span></div>
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Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-28893121911842979832011-08-10T08:00:00.009+02:002013-01-22T15:30:43.129+01:00The 40 Saddest Songs in the Universe<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">York, 2006</span></u><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The two-week summer language programme always ends with a disco, and the teenagers always end up crying. I'm walking around watching them blub into each other's shoulders. It's fun. But there's one Italian girl who isn't crying. It annoys me. I take her aside and ask what her problem is.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"I no feel so sad," she says in rubbish English. She hasn't learned English, and she isn't crying. Well, there's only one of those things I can fix right now.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"I know what you need," I reply.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"No," she says, seeing my intention.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I take a deep breath and do my sad face. "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Bright eyes</span>," I sing. "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Burning like fire.</span>" Her lip wobbles. "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Bright eyes, how can you close and fail?</span>" I see there's a lump in her throat. "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly turn so pale?</span>" She's weeping now. "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Bright eyes,</span>" I add, unnecessarily.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I doubt she's understood many of the words, but it doesn't matter.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrYjhf98pqQ">Bright Eyes</a> is the saddest song in the universe and its power transcends language.</span></div>
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<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Zurich, 2011</span></u><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Cecile is in a total mood, which is amazingly annoying. Isn't it her boyfriend's job to put up with that? What's in it for me? I decide to make the most of the situation and see what songs make her cry.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Naturally, I start with Bright Eyes. It doesn't work, because somehow she's worked out what I'm trying to do. So I turn to plan B - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I">Somewhere over the Rainbow</a> by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"It's not working," she says, although I can see tears streaming down her face. "My eyes are crying, that's all."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Yes, but your eyes are connected to you. You haven't outsourced your eyes and tear ducts. Anyway, it's okay to cry. First, it's healthy. You get better blood pressure and stuff. Also, no woman can resist crying at those songs. They're infinitely sad."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"They aren't that sad. I know sadder," she sniffs, wiping away tears from the eyes that are crying for their own reasons.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Later, in a better mood, she asks me if I want her collection of songs that made her cry.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Yes," I say, with as much calm as I can muster. "Yes, I do." My head is already spinning with the possibilities. They're bound to be lame! I can make fun of them on my blog! Don't show too much enthusiasm or she'll suspect!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">She leaves a USB stick with 40 songs on it in my locker. It also has instructions for use: run a bath, light candles, etc. She's such a sweet, thoughtful person that I almost feel bad about making fun of her.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AM9fxe7SyzI/TjsOTMp8rKI/AAAAAAAAAQk/WkCeV7clwew/s1600/sad_bath.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AM9fxe7SyzI/TjsOTMp8rKI/AAAAAAAAAQk/WkCeV7clwew/s400/sad_bath.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(ANDREW iN A BATH) SAD + crying</td></tr>
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<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The 40 Saddest Songs in the Universe</span></u><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">By coincidence, I'd planned to have a bath that night anyway. So I started the playlist and got in.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It started pretty well, with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCQTr8ZYdhg">Wish You Were Here</a> by Pink Floyd. It starts with slow guitar plucking, which certainly sets the mood. Then a husky voice comes in and wonders, 'So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell; blue skies from pain?' The logical side of my brain quickly said, 'yes, I can tell the difference' but it didn't make me less sad, because the emotional side of my brain had fixated on the word 'pain' and all the many kinds of pain I've experienced in my life.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Next up was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4RjJKxsamQ&ob=av3e">Wind of Change</a> by The Scorpions. It starts with a haunting whistle, like the ghost of a worker, which is quickly followed by a husky voice. This voice sings some of the saddest lyrics of the modern era. They praise David Hasselhoff for defeating Communism, but warn us never to forget that socialism leads to oppression and suffering and sad babies. "They've never had bananas," croons the main Scorpion, "Until now. And that's a good change of the Wind of Change." A poignant guitar solo reminds us that while capitalism has its faults, it's better than the alternatives.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The next song, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxAlCkYSNlM">If You See Her, Say Hello</a> came on </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">(link takes you to Hurricane because there are few original Dylan recordings on Youtube and I liked that movie. It's by a million miles the best Dylan song, anyway)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">. Husky-voiced Bob Dylan starts singing. I'm starting to think that husky voices are inherently sad. "If you see her, say hello," he warbles. So far, so sad. It's obviously going to be a song about lost love. Everyone can relate to that. It's a genius opening line, in fact. I've already got my line ready for the blog - <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #666666;">HE HAD ME AT HELLO</span>. But there's more to the song. "If you see her, say hello. She might be in Tangiers." Huh? <i>Tangiers</i>? Why is she there? That's weird, isn't it? Why does she want to go there? How does he know she's there? Why does he say <b>might</b>? She might be in Tangiers. Is that based on her credit card activity? Did she have family in Morocco? He could have said, 'she might be in Africa'. That'd be more likely, statistically. So what's all this uncertain specificity? Perplexity dried up my tears.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The next song was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhuPiBZHvLE">Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm</a> by the Crash Test Dummies. It's easy to see how people are affected by the song. It's deep and dark and the lyrics are at once staggeringly specific yet movingly universal. "Once there was this kid who got into an accident and couldn't come to school. But when he finally came back, his hair had turned from black into bright white." Has any other lyric ever made us more aware of the immediacy of our own deaths?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I wasn't crying - it was just the bath bubbles stinging my eye. Many other songs came and went. Most were legitimately emotional: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c18441Eh_WE&ob=av3e">I Just Can't Get You Out of My Head</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X024NEsDyC8">I Kissed a Girl</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WxDrVUrSvI">Smile</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kgjkth6BRRY&ob=av2e">Hollaback Girl</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuRuwR2JSXI">Reading a Book</a>, and every Bob Dylan song ever released in France.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">But then came the sucker punch: NSYNC's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-KmOd3i7s">Bye Bye Bye</a>. At the start, keyboards swell for just a moment, but then it's BAM! Right into the beat. Right into the words. "I loved you endlessly when you weren't there for me, so now it's time to leave and make it alone." My tears dropped into the wispy foam of my peach-scented bath bubbles. Why was I crying? What did this song stir inside me? Obviously, like Cecile, I'd had to walk away from dysfunctional relationships before, and it's always sad. But not sad enough to make me cry, surely? Then it hit me - this was the song that presaged Justin Timberlake's departure from NSYNC and his focus on a solo career. "Time to leave and make it alone." For me and Cecile, hardcore NSYNC fans, truly the day the music died.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Don't really wanna make it tough</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I just wanna tell you that I had enough</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Might sound crazy but it ain't no lie</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Bye bye bye."</span></div>
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Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-16701086676074783962011-08-07T09:00:00.003+02:002018-02-13T09:56:55.804+01:00Who Won? Einstein vs Stephen Hawking<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Epic Rap Battles - Einstein vs Hawking: Who Won?</span></u><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I have recently become obsessed with this video:</span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/zn7-fVtT16k/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zn7-fVtT16k?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It features a rap battle between <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Albert Einstein</span></b> and <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Stephen Hawking</span></b>. Choosing the winner of a battle of this magnitude needs a judge with the wisdom of Solomon. Maybe even someone wiser than Solomon, since he was all about <a href="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8yg1in5f51qab0e5o1_400.jpg">slicing babies in half</a>. I have appointed myself as that judge.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Diss Quality</u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein:</span></b> Starts well with<i> 'Take a seat Steve, oop, I see you brought your own.'</i> The next part, about being schooled and being Hawk-ward, is weak. He comes back strongly in round 2, landing huge punches with <i>'if you could stand'</i>, and <i>'bigger than the hole in your black hole theory was.'</i> The <i>'back of my hand'</i> mocks the alleged abuse Hawking suffered in the care of his ex-wife. A cruel but well-aimed diss.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Hawking:</b></span> Starts poorly with <i>'moustache on a troll doll'</i> and the <i>'TI-82'</i> gag ensures he finishes with a big whimper instead of a big bang. However, in between is the most epic diss in history: <i>'There are 10 million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million particles in the universe that we can observe. Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd.'</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Score: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein 10</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Hawking 9</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Bigging Up Oneself</u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Einstein:</b></span> Alby scores well here, reminding us of the things he's most famous for - relativity and <i>that </i>equation. The Albert E equals MC squared lyric is smooth as silk. He also points out that he's one of the giants of scientific history.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Hawking:</b></span> Claims to be the Snoop Dog of science, and if he's standing on the shoulders of giants that would make him slightly taller than a giant. Admits his work is based on Einstein's, though.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Score: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein 10</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Hawking 9</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Real-world Application</u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Einstein:</b></span> I tried to diss a Finnish woman by saying, <i>'You can't destroy matter or me'</i> but she just blinked at me. Einstein's raps are too specific to be used in polite society.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Hawking:</b></span> I sang the <i>'your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd'</i> bit at two different German women (long story). One gave me the finger, the other laughed so hard she stopped breathing.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Score: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein 0</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Hawking 1</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Rap Skillz</u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Einstein:</b></span> His German accent adds to the percussive nature of his distinctive voice, but his harsh timbre and screechy anger could get tiresome.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Hawking:</b></span> The Professor scores highly through his innovative use of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWRyj5cHIQA">autotune</a>. The extended 'You' in <i>'You've got no idea'</i> and the long pause before the 'particles' line show an impressive sense of flow. He sets these moments of liquid <i>mellow </i>against his opponent's constant abrasiveness, but <i>'like gravity stretches time'</i> shows that he can staccato with the best of them.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Score: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein 8</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Hawking 10</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Teachin Da Kidz Da Science</u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Einstein:</b></span> Einstein whomps out an ace rhyme: <i>'You can't destroy matter, or me.'</i> Do kids understand the law of conservation of energy? They do now.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Hawking:</b></span> Tells us how many particles there are and that gravity stretches time. Also, 96% of google searches for 'Carl Sagan' came from the rap battle video (<i>bake raps from scratch</i> refers to Sagan's quote - <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #660000;">'If you want to bake a pie from scratch, you must first create the universe'</span> - which is why I never learned to cook). Add 99.6% of searches for p-brane (related to string theory) and Hawking edges this one.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Score: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein 8</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Hawking 9</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Dance Moves</u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Einstein:</b></span> Sometimes goes over-the-top with his moves, and throwing an apple at a man in a wheelchair isn't cool, even in the heat of a rap battle. But when he's on, he's on. Forget splitting the atom - Einstein has his own way of doing the splits:</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O4aj7Tq_-Lw/Tj1s_pQpnHI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/Zgir13xYe8w/s1600/einstein.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O4aj7Tq_-Lw/Tj1s_pQpnHI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/Zgir13xYe8w/s640/einstein.png" width="354" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Einstein does the splits</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Hawking:</b></span> At first, Hawking doesn't seem to do much more than roll around. Fail. But wait! On closer inspection, a face which seemed as wooden as Keanu Reeves' is as subtly expressive as Campbell Scott's. A twitch of the eyebrow, a roll of the eye, and a sly grin - it's enough.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />Score: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein 9</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Hawking 8</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Humour</u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Einstein:</b></span> Speak and Spell brought back memories of my childhood, but didn't make me laugh. And referencing Brief History of Time was amusing. But in general, he comes across as too angry to score highly.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><b>Hawking:</b></span> Hawking finds a good balance between dissing, self-aggrandisement, and playful self-deprecation. '<i>Dropping mad apples'</i> brings Newton to mind, and there's a nice pun on pea-brain. The particles joke is amazing. But my favourite is <i>'12-inch rims on my chair, that's how I roll.'</i> While Einstein takes himself too seriously, Hawking's humour shines like a supernova.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Score: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">Einstein 8 Hawking 10</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u><b>Who Won?</b></u></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Final Score: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Einstein </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">53</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Hawking </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">56</span></span></span><br />
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Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-76009933014223254802011-08-06T08:00:00.003+02:002015-09-06T12:22:10.968+02:00Asterix and the Cauldron: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/3/31/asterix-and-the-cauldron" rel="canonical"></link>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;">. </span>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-25915175090426265702011-08-02T23:43:00.000+02:002011-08-02T23:43:10.844+02:00True Love : Too Much Work<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I love comics and graphic novels and always wanted to make my own. Problem is, I can't draw. But other people can! So I've drawn first drafts of a bunch of comics and commissioned more talented artists to make them pretty.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here's the first one, drawn by a 12-year old French girl. She's French, which explains why she didn't follow my clear instructions that there should be no text, and why the text she did include is in French, and thus incomprehensible to 99.99% of human beings. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And don't ask me why there's a rabbit in it all of a sudden. That was her idea. She also changed the main character from a man to a woman.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It's great, though, and captures the essence of what I was shooting for. Who'd have thought the French would be such good collaborators?</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b><u>TRUE LOVE : Too Much Work</u></b></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">by Andrew Girardin and Léa Pertuiset</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OBBw_A6WLbY/TjhmT1B7RZI/AAAAAAAAAPs/78m2gBWYfvQ/s1600/TL1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="254" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OBBw_A6WLbY/TjhmT1B7RZI/AAAAAAAAAPs/78m2gBWYfvQ/s400/TL1.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2j9qFSVsBYw/TjhmUYwId7I/AAAAAAAAAPw/AYyRl1wF7rQ/s1600/TL2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="219" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2j9qFSVsBYw/TjhmUYwId7I/AAAAAAAAAPw/AYyRl1wF7rQ/s400/TL2.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kSixDl8RPKE/TjhmU8-wkHI/AAAAAAAAAP0/5oSMfCL7y84/s1600/TL3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="189" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kSixDl8RPKE/TjhmU8-wkHI/AAAAAAAAAP0/5oSMfCL7y84/s400/TL3.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nmnHWp9Dd8E/TjhmVIP3pLI/AAAAAAAAAP4/rj6ovQ8fJtw/s1600/TL4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nmnHWp9Dd8E/TjhmVIP3pLI/AAAAAAAAAP4/rj6ovQ8fJtw/s1600/TL4.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-albomeaIzvc/TjhmVTRHXmI/AAAAAAAAAP8/rJwvcltDBFM/s1600/TL5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="189" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-albomeaIzvc/TjhmVTRHXmI/AAAAAAAAAP8/rJwvcltDBFM/s400/TL5.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8zD6Cjm5KPk/TjhmVkynNVI/AAAAAAAAAQA/Cq2nRzryoyA/s1600/TL6.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8zD6Cjm5KPk/TjhmVkynNVI/AAAAAAAAAQA/Cq2nRzryoyA/s1600/TL6.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8IpfUM-D348/TjhmWAh6fRI/AAAAAAAAAQE/bnp0uLaQgr8/s1600/TL7.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8IpfUM-D348/TjhmWAh6fRI/AAAAAAAAAQE/bnp0uLaQgr8/s400/TL7.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Honey, can't come, too much work"</span></td></tr>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kCP_GJDjWd4/TjhmWgeBSQI/AAAAAAAAAQM/Q42AItMhCoM/s1600/TL9a.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kCP_GJDjWd4/TjhmWgeBSQI/AAAAAAAAAQM/Q42AItMhCoM/s400/TL9a.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3zDXqcAd5z4/TjhmXEGlAJI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/l42G7O5xTs4/s1600/TL9b.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="206" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3zDXqcAd5z4/TjhmXEGlAJI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/l42G7O5xTs4/s400/TL9b.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"And a bit more rabbit" (?!)</span></td></tr>
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You're very welcome to leave a comment. The nice ones will be passed on to the (12-year old) artist.<br />
.Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-29373071458390443812011-07-27T10:18:00.000+02:002013-02-26T13:42:29.219+01:00The Best Friend Test<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><u>WHO IS ANDREW'S BEST FRIEND?</u></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">W</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">hen you live in another country you soon find that your friendships are ephemeral, transient, and fragile. My best friend in Taiwan ended our year-long bestfriendship because he was mad that I went to see Star Wars Episode 3 without him.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So what we ex-pats need is a scientific test to find out who is truly our best friend. Fortunately, I've created such a test. A test you can trust.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u>What makes a best friend?</u></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">There are six components to<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;"> </span>bestfriendship:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">1:</span></u> They say 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'. So a true friend helps you when you really need it. Like, even with something unpleasant or hard.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">2:</span></u> Although it's not a good idea to lend money to a friend, it's a pretty damn good indicator of how much someone's welfare means to you. My best friend should be willing to lend me a sizeable chunk of money.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><u>3:</u></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> The unpleasant job of pointing out home truths falls to the best friend. Hence your best friend is the one who says, 'Dude, you are so whipped by your girlfriend', or 'just get over yourself already.'</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">4.</span></u> Another </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">function of a friend is to take whatever character defects you have (in my case, being a dick) and accept them. My friends have to be able to accept the fact that I'm quite likely to make them look retarded in multiple blog posts.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">5.</span></u> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Friends also have to be willing to take a bullet for you. This means things like talking to the ugly girl while you seduce the hot blonde, and taking the blame for something you've done.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">6.</span></u> Your best friend should be on the constant lookout for hot women for you to meet, even if it means someone in their own family.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">With that in mind, I created <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">six easy questions</span> to determine which of these guys is my best friend:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u>The Candidates:</u></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Candidate #1: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">CECILE BUTCHERMEIER (French Stropster)</span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: right;"></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Candidate #2: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">SERENA VEGAS (Model student, and model)</span></span><br />
<div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Candidate #3: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">MARK (Hot Swiss male friend)</span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Candidate #4: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">ANNA BAGEL (German woman with penchant for beer)</span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Candidate #5: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">TATIANA (Fun student from Soviet Bloc)</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Hai0EUF_qKU/Tinfm2PBXUI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/rsAXpXCHLfg/s1600/comb3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Hai0EUF_qKU/Tinfm2PBXUI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/rsAXpXCHLfg/s640/comb3.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a52WRUJFtzo/TinfnMMMVHI/AAAAAAAAAPU/WJg8UtecunU/s1600/comb4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a52WRUJFtzo/TinfnMMMVHI/AAAAAAAAAPU/WJg8UtecunU/s640/comb4.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><u>And now, the results of the test:</u></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>1. If I had an accident and I was in a wheelchair, would you push me to the disabled toilet, watch me poop, and help me wipe my bottom?</b></span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cecile: "No." (She later tries to change her answer to 'yes' when she realises that I'm keeping score.)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Serena: "No. But I'd get some guy to help you."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mark: "No. Gross."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anna: (Far too quickly). "Yes, of course."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Tatiana: "No!"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>2. Would you lend me 1,000 francs (750 pounds)?</b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cecile (well-off): "Depends what you need it for. To pay the rent, yes. For you to pay for a threesome in Vienna, no."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Serena (rich): "Yes."</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mark (rich): "Yes. Is it for that threesome thing?"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anna (poor): "Yes for something important. No for a prostitute."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Tatiana (earns slightly less than me): "Yes."</span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>3. If I were dating someone bad for me, would you tell me?</b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cecile: "No, if you were happy. That's what good friends do - put aside their personal feelings."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Serena (grinning like she'd enjoy it): "Yes."</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mark (Has done this several times): "Yes."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Anna: </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">"Actually, chatting to my other friend on Facebook is more important than this test."</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">ANNA </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">DISQUALIFIED</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Tatiana: "Yes. But only if she were bad for you, not just that I didn't like her."</span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>4. If I mercilessly made fun of you on my blog for the amusement of me and the general public, would we still be friends?</b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cecile: "Well, you've done it like ten times already, so yes."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Serena: "Yes, if it was funny." (Well, duh. It would be.)</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mark: "Yes."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Tatiana: "No, I'd hate that. I'd ask you to delete it."</span></span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>5. If I didn't have a ticket on the train, and the ticket guy was fat and old and gross, would you aggressively flirt with him until the next station while I hid in the toilet?</b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span><br />
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<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cecile: "Yes."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Serena: "Yes."</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mark: "Yes (but only if it was a hot woman)."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Tatiana: "Of course!"</span></span></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>6. Would you introduce me to your hot sister/cousin/ex-girlfriend with the tacit understanding that one day I might be making babies inside her?</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span><br />
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<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cecile: "Yes, but my hot sister doesn't speak great English." (Earns bonus 0.1 point for showing me photos of sister in bikini.)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Serena: "I don't have a sister but yes."</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mark: "Yes, but not my ex-girlfriend."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #990000;">Tatiana: "No. I never do matchmaking. It doesn't work."</span></span></div><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">TOTAL SCORES:</span><br />
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<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Serena: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;">5.5</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mark: 5</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cecile: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">3.6</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Tatiana: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">3</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anna: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: xx-small;">ZERO</span></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">WINNER:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-epaCf2I09wI/TinECzmuLxI/AAAAAAAAAPE/RIDlcCg6b-c/s1600/Serena+Vegas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-epaCf2I09wI/TinECzmuLxI/AAAAAAAAAPE/RIDlcCg6b-c/s1600/Serena+Vegas.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My best friend. For now.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Try the test on YOUR friends - you may be surprised by the results! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">.</span></div></div>Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-12260505711565537442011-07-24T10:05:00.002+02:002015-09-06T12:21:58.573+02:00Asterix at the Olympics: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/3/29/asterix-at-the-olympics" rel="canonical"></link>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span></div>
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<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u></div>
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Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11711875.post-35854377636606698712011-07-09T10:32:00.006+02:002015-09-06T12:21:46.831+02:00Asterix and the Chieftain's Shield: Latin Jokes Explained<link href="http://everythingasterix.com/latin-jokes-content/2015/3/19/asterix-and-the-chieftains-shield" rel="canonical"></link>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: start;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: start;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: start;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: start;">
<span style="font-size: large;">The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.</span></div>
<u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></u></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;">.</span><br />
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Andrewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05302674381258160178noreply@blogger.com2