When you live in another country you soon find that your friendships are ephemeral, transient, and fragile. My best friend in Taiwan ended our year-long bestfriendship because he was mad that I went to see Star Wars Episode 3 without him.
So what we ex-pats need is a scientific test to find out who is truly our best friend. Fortunately, I've created such a test. A test you can trust.
What makes a best friend?
There are six components to bestfriendship:
1: They say 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'. So a true friend helps you when you really need it. Like, even with something unpleasant or hard.
2: Although it's not a good idea to lend money to a friend, it's a pretty damn good indicator of how much someone's welfare means to you. My best friend should be willing to lend me a sizeable chunk of money.
3: The unpleasant job of pointing out home truths falls to the best friend. Hence your best friend is the one who says, 'Dude, you are so whipped by your girlfriend', or 'just get over yourself already.'
4. Another function of a friend is to take whatever character defects you have (in my case, being a dick) and accept them. My friends have to be able to accept the fact that I'm quite likely to make them look retarded in multiple blog posts.
5. Friends also have to be willing to take a bullet for you. This means things like talking to the ugly girl while you seduce the hot blonde, and taking the blame for something you've done.
6. Your best friend should be on the constant lookout for hot women for you to meet, even if it means someone in their own family.
With that in mind, I created six easy questions to determine which of these guys is my best friend:
The Candidates:
Candidate #1: CECILE BUTCHERMEIER (French Stropster)
Candidate #2: SERENA VEGAS (Model student, and model)
Candidate #3: MARK (Hot Swiss male friend)
Candidate #4: ANNA BAGEL (German woman with penchant for beer)
Candidate #5: TATIANA (Fun student from Soviet Bloc)
And now, the results of the test:
Cecile: "No." (She later tries to change her answer to 'yes' when she realises that I'm keeping score.)
Serena: "No. But I'd get some guy to help you."
Mark: "No. Gross."
Anna: (Far too quickly). "Yes, of course."
Tatiana: "No!"
2. Would you lend me 1,000 francs (750 pounds)?
Cecile (well-off): "Depends what you need it for. To pay the rent, yes. For you to pay for a threesome in Vienna, no."
Serena (rich): "Yes."
Mark (rich): "Yes. Is it for that threesome thing?"
Anna (poor): "Yes for something important. No for a prostitute."
Tatiana (earns slightly less than me): "Yes."
3. If I were dating someone bad for me, would you tell me?
Cecile: "No, if you were happy. That's what good friends do - put aside their personal feelings."
Serena (grinning like she'd enjoy it): "Yes."
Mark (Has done this several times): "Yes."
Anna: "Actually, chatting to my other friend on Facebook is more important than this test." ANNA DISQUALIFIED
Tatiana: "Yes. But only if she were bad for you, not just that I didn't like her."
4. If I mercilessly made fun of you on my blog for the amusement of me and the general public, would we still be friends?
Cecile: "Well, you've done it like ten times already, so yes."
Serena: "Yes, if it was funny." (Well, duh. It would be.)
Mark: "Yes."
Tatiana: "No, I'd hate that. I'd ask you to delete it."
5. If I didn't have a ticket on the train, and the ticket guy was fat and old and gross, would you aggressively flirt with him until the next station while I hid in the toilet?
6. Would you introduce me to your hot sister/cousin/ex-girlfriend with the tacit understanding that one day I might be making babies inside her?
TOTAL SCORES:
WINNER:
Try the test on YOUR friends - you may be surprised by the results!
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Cecile: "Yes."
Serena: "Yes."
Mark: "Yes (but only if it was a hot woman)."
Tatiana: "Of course!"
6. Would you introduce me to your hot sister/cousin/ex-girlfriend with the tacit understanding that one day I might be making babies inside her?
Cecile: "Yes, but my hot sister doesn't speak great English." (Earns bonus 0.1 point for showing me photos of sister in bikini.)
Serena: "I don't have a sister but yes."
Mark: "Yes, but not my ex-girlfriend."
Tatiana: "No. I never do matchmaking. It doesn't work."
TOTAL SCORES:
Serena: 5.5
Mark: 5
Cecile: 3.6
Tatiana: 3
Anna: ZERO
WINNER:
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| My best friend. For now. |
Try the test on YOUR friends - you may be surprised by the results!
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