A Trillion and One Ways to Score Points with Chicks

Background to the Project

"Androo," said Cecile, "At what are you laughing?"

"Oh," I said, sipping on some black tea. "It's this list of things you should do for your girlfriend. Ways to score points with a girl."

"I'm sure it's very funny, but you're supposed to be helping me with my English. It's quite rude to have your laptop open and be reading a website while I'm telling you about my thoughts and feelings." She pointed her French eyes at me in an ambitious attempt to imprint the reprimand onto my brain forever.

"Hah! That's here on the list... wait... yes! Number nineteen. 'When she talks to you, put down the newspaper and give her your full attention.' Ridiculous!"

"Actually, that sounds like good advice."

"No way. It's all garbage. I wonder how many guys have lost girlfriends because of this shit?"

"If you're such an expert, why don't you write your own list? Although maybe one hundred and one ways to score a chick are too many for you to think of."

"Too many? Too many? I'll write a billion and one ways. A trillion and one ways!" I chomped on some cheesecake in a sexy, macho way. "Maybe I'll write it in sections though."

1,000,000,000,001 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH CHICKS

SECTION ONE

1. When a girl says something stupid, point it out.

CASE STUDY:

Chick: I love Jon Bon Jovi.

Andrew: What's your favourite song?

Chick: The one about Frankenstein.

Andrew: Um... what?

Chick: You know.

Andrew: No, I don't. Sing it.

Chick: [enthusiastically] My heart is like an open highway, like Frankenstein I did it my way.

Andrew: Wow.

2. When a girl falls over or spills something, call her retarded.

3. If a chick is foreign, learn how to call her retarded in her language. She'll appreciate the effort you put into learning it. In German, it's 'bist du behindert?'

4. Eye contact is 68% of flirting and seduction. Wait, make that 86%. Never, ever look away from a girl until she looks away from you. A game I invented called Eye Win will help you improve:

Eye Win - Introduction

A game of skill and fun for all the family! Transform your weak-ass eye contact into smouldering 1940s-black and white-movie-quality eye sex in only five minutes a day! Minutes to learn, days to master, a lifetime of pleasure!

How to Play

For five minutes a day, stare at everyone you see. Gain one point for outstaring someone; lose one point if you look away first.  Use two points for policemen, guys who look scary, and extremely hot chicks you'd normally be too shy to look at.  If you have a negative score, no-one will ever love you.

5. Let your eyes do the talking.  You verbalize too much. An hour of being clever and witty won't get you as many points as just one smouldering glance. Once every twenty minutes or so, stop talking and just stare at the girl you're dating.  If you do it right she'll get self-conscious and say 'what?' Don't explain what you're thinking. For best results, add a slight shake of the head and/or an enigmatic smile.

Smouldering

6. It's okay to be mean to a girl. They like it. "You write like a boy." "You're such a geek." "I can't believe what a nerd you are." "You're such a hippy."  "You're soooo French."

7. The first time she expresses a liberal opinion, call her a hippy.

8. The second time she expresses a liberal opinion, call her a communist.

9. The third time she expresses a liberal opinion, call her a hippy communist.

10. Follow a piece of meanness with something nice.  Like, "I was thinking about you in the bath the other day," or "I like the way your express the emotion of frustration."  Note - don't do this if she asks for something nice.

Link to Part Two      Link to Part Three     Link to Part Four
.

The World's Worst Dating Advice?

Link to "101 Ways to Score Points with a Woman"

Women are like video games.  If a man presses her 'forward' button, then the left, then lets his thumb sweep round the joypad while pressing the A button, his girlfriend will then produce a giant blue fireball.  This will score the boyfriend as many as five hundred points.

That's why this guide is so useful - it shows exactly how to keep the love and romance in a relationship.  If you do three things a day, your relationship is sure to prosper.


Assuming you are too busy and important to click on links, here are some highlights:


1.  Upon returning home, find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.  [Even if you really need the toilet or if she's napping and hugging her will wake her up.]
3.  Practice listening and asking questions.  [Mirrors can be useful for this.]
10.  Validate her feelings when she is upset.  [Validating a temper tantrum is definitely the right thing to do.]
18.  Offer to build a fire in the wintertime  [Useful if your girlfriend lives in 1950.]
22.  When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.  [It's not enough to just ask.  You have to remember to get the stuff!]
24.  Give her four hugs a day.  [Never three; never five.]
29.  Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.  [And prove that romance isn't dead.]
34.  Take her side when she is upset with someone.  [Especially if that someone is you.]
57.  Notice how she is feeling and comment on it, e.g., "You look happy today" or "You look tired", and then ask a question like "How was your day?"  [Women love being told they look tired.]
60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.  [But don't leave a post-it note on the keyboard of her laptop or she'll freak out.  I know.]
68.  Write out neatly any phone messages you make or take for her.  [Many relationships have been ended by poorly written messages.]
89.  Create special time to be alone together.  [Time machines are handy for creating time.  Also, starships with warp drives.]
99.  Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.  [When she asks why you aren't eating, tell her it's because you are looking forward to some sexy time later.  Do your best Borat voice.]

My Guide to Haggling in China

1. Deal with Shock

The first thing you need to do is prepare for the shock. Walking into a Chinese market can be a dizzying assault on the senses. There are too many people, the sales people are too aggressive and don’t respect your personal space, and all in all there is a palpable atmosphere of mayhem.


As soon as you get past one person who grabs you shouting, “Rolex Rolex DVD DVD looky looky”, another one tries his luck. “Bag bag bag looky looky Nike Nike Yellow DVD.”  Yellow DVDs are pornos.  But mostly Japanese ones with the good bits pixelated out.


If someone grabs you, you can shout 'bu xing!' (Which pompously translates as 'That won't do!')

2. Learn to Ignore

You're in a situation where normal standards of politeness aren't going to work.  You have to ignore everyone.  You have to!  It's hard to accept at first, especially if you've been taught to, like, respect other people and stuff. But you have to ignore everyone and focus on what you want.


If ignoring people offends your sensibilities, you can politely decline what they have to offer. 'bu yao!' (Don't want.)

3. Walk Around a Bit

It's important not to go straight to the first stall. Let's assume you want a fake Louis Vuitton handbag as a gift for your mistress. If you walk past a few bag stalls you can try to play them off against each other. Liang bai kuai? Ta shuo le san shi kuai! (200 bucks? She said thirty!)

4. Carry an Umbrella

Haggling is acting. You need props. An umbrella is the perfect wingman. You can point with it, drop it in astonishment, tap it impatiently, or hit yourself on the head with it.


Or, importantly, lean on it:

5. Begin Haggling

The first step of the process is pointing to something with your umbrella and asking the price. Duoshao qian? (How much?)


It is VERY IMPORTANT that you laugh at whatever he says. If you don't understand Chinese numbers, don't laugh at this stage. Shrug, and the stallkeeper will type the price into a calculator and show you the screen. Laugh now. This is his first price for really stupid foreign devils and you are sharing his joke. What a character!


But now you want the real price. As a rule of thumb, you can probably expect him to accept 10-20% of the first price. If he says 300, he means 30.

6. Go Slowly

When serving food, a Chinese person will say 'man man chi' (eat slowly) to his guest. Haggle slowly and you'll get more discount. The more theatrical your performance, the greater the discount. The more friends you have acting along with you ('bad cop' is the best supporting role if you only have one friend) the greater the discount.  If you have more friends, get them to play more roles.  I once went with three friends and we did the cast of Seinfeld.

7. Case Study

You want to buy some trainers. The woman asks for 400 RMB. You laugh, she laughs. Now what?


If she has a little stool, sit down, and get settled. Offer 50. 'Wu shi'. Sit forward on your umbrella, preferably leaning your chin on the handle.


Begin pleading, shaking your head, looking to the heavens, sighing, leaving long silences, pretending to be angry, shrugging your shoulders, and mumbling instructions to your team mates (“Point to your own shoes and talk quickly in English… Put your hands on your hips… Try to get me to leave…”)

8. Nukes

If things aren't going well, try these useful phrases:


wei shen me ni bu xi huan wo? (Why do you hate me?)
wo bu shi you qian ren (I'm not a rich guy)
tai gui le! you liangge er nai (That's too expensive. I have two mistresses to keep)
ni shi huai dan! (You're a bad egg)
wo gei ni san bai kuai, wo diao lian (If I give you three hundred bucks I'll lose face)

9. Final Tip

Walk away. If you agree on a price before walking away, you are paying too much. If you can't get the stallkeeper to go lower than 50, walk away. She will call you back and say 'okay 40'. If she doesn't call you back, it means 50 is her lowest price. Go back and pay it!
.

Anais: The Truth

ANAIS: THE TRUTH


** 1. **
“Androo,” said my French flatmate Helene, “I met a crazy French girl and she is in love with you already.”
“What?” I said. “How does that work?”
“I met her, and she said her dream is to marry an English guy.”
My eyes widened. This sounded promising. “I'm an English guy,” I said.
“Yes, and she read some of your stories. She is extraordinarily enthusiastic about them.”
“It's my dream for someone to fall in love with me through my writing,” I said, wistfully.
“And now it has happened. She left her email address on your website.”


** 2. **
Dear Anais,
How are you? I'm fine. What are your hobbies? My hobbies include reading and watching popular American TV shows.


No no no! Boring! Delete delete delete!
Let's try something a little more imaginative...


** 3. **
Hi,


Thanks for your interest in joining the Andrew Girardin Fan Club!
Membership is free, but we do ask that you fill in a simple questionnaire.


1)


Click Here


Is this video 
a) offensive
b) educational
c) funny although not spell checked 
?


2)


Rank these characteristics in order of importance when choosing a boyfriend:


ability to open jars / good handwriting / awareness of the work of Alain Delon / ability to understand and explain movie plots 


3)


Complete this sentence with the best answer.
"I like weird English guys because
a) I lived in England for a long time and I understand them.
b) I want to annoy my parents.
c) Helene forced me to. 
d) I have seen various Hugh Grant movies and assume all English guys look and act like him.


As a member of the Club, you are entitled to free regular stories written by Andrew.
Which would you like first? 
Choose from these exciting titles!


'Susan in Shanghai'
'Spectacular Spectacular'
'The Amsterdammerung'
'Dave in Shanghai'
'Poland'


Hurry!  Stocks are limited! 


Andrew


** 4. **
Andrew,
It's a very original and unexpected way to get to know someone! I was into you before, but now my interest has become a dangerous, unhealthy obsession which will lead one or both of us to disaster.
See you soon!
Love,
Anais
p.s. Can you meet me at the airport? I'll be there on Thursday morning.


** 5. **
I canceled my classes on Thursday morning and went to get the girl from the airport. She was late. This was strange because the plane had landed on time. I felt relieved – if she had gotten cold feet and stayed in Paris, it would have been the first normal thing she had ever done. After about 40 minutes I sent her a message. 'I am here, waiting,' she replied. Tetchy! 'Where are you?' 'The place where you get your baggage.' 'You realise people from outside can't go in there?' There was no reply. A sheepish French girl appeared.
She tried to kiss me. I let her chin brush my cheek. She tried to get the other cheek. The girl was clearly sex-mad.
“Was that your first time on a plane?” I asked.
“No. I just didn't realise people couldn't go into the baggage area.”
I stared at her for a long time.
“What?” she said, blushing.


I took her back to the flat, then took her for a little trip around Prague. Our tram crossed a bridge. From there, you get one of the best views of the city. I bent down and tried to show her. She couldn't see it. “Bend down a bit,” I said, pointing towards the view. She didn't bend down, and looked at me as though I were pouring acid over her shoes. “Just bend down a bit and see the stupid view,” I said, and pressed down on her head to force her to enjoy the beauty. She refused.
This totally pissed me off.
We walked around in silence for no less than twenty minutes. Having walked through some of the most splendid, most beautiful, most romantic sights in the world, in complete silence with an annoying French girl, I finally saw the funny side.
“I guess it's tough when reality doesn't meet your expectations,” I said. The girl had fallen in love with me over the Internet, and the reality was sadly lacking.
“Oh, no,” she said, “Quite the opposite.” She looked at me with puppy dog eyes, which I later realised was her way of flirting with me.
“What?” I said, genuinely annoyed. “You mean you like me more now that you've met me?”
“Yes.”
“We just spent the last twenty minutes not talking to each other. Why didn't you look out of the window?”
“I thought you were laughing at me for being short.”
I stopped in the middle of the street and put my hands over my face. There were three and half more days until she went back to Paris.


** 6. **
At home, I showed her a Youtube video of Flight of the Concords. It's called Business Time, and the lyrics are very funny. The guy says that because it's Wednesday night and there's nothing good on TV, conditions are perfect for making love.
“Oh, Androo,” said Anais, simpering, “You're so funny. You know, in France we have a saying: A woman who laughs is a woman in your bed...”
I turned to her. “I have a saying: A woman in my bed is a woman who laughs. Because of my micropenis. That's the medical term.”
Anais sighed, and pointed her eyes at me. “Androo, don't you want to kiss me?”
“Not right now, it's only one o'clock. It's a bit early for that sort of thing. I'm an English gentleman.”
“I ask because I want you to kiss me.” She tried to make her eyes bigger. That was getting tres enervant.
“I'm sure you do, but we just met. Don't get presumptuous.”
“We've known each other for three months,” she said.
“Talking on the Internet doesn't count.”
“Yes, it does,” she said.
“Nope,” I said.
“If you don't kiss me, I'll boil your cat and feed it to you.”
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“Nothing.”


** 7. **
She spent the day plotting ways to kiss me. Her methods weren't well thought out, in my inexpert opinion. First, I took her and Helene to the Opera. Anais scandalised the entire audience by talking during the Opera like she was at home on her sofa watching Sex and the City.
“Hey,” she bellowed, “Who's the guy in the funny hat?”
I put my finger over my lips in the universal gesture of STFU.
“I like the music,” she said, “Is it by Da Vinci?”
“Shh!”
“Why is it called The Magic Flute? Is it about magic?”
I put my hand over her mouth and forced her to breath through her nose for the rest of the first act.
In the interval, she spoke to Helene in French for a while. My French isn't great but I'm pretty sure the conversation went like this:
Anais: I am going to kiss him now.
Helene: How?
Anais: I will just say something about being thankful that he brought me to the Opera and I want to kiss him to say thank you.
Helene: That's a good plan. The English are too shy to initiate a kiss with a girl. It's up to the wily French to seduce them.
Anais [in English]: Androo, thank you for bringing me to the Opera.
Andrew [checking out some hot Czech girls]: Yeah, sure.
Anais: So I would like to kiss you.
Andrew: Right. [Suddenly realises the non-sequitur] What?
Anais: I will kiss you now.
Andrew [reasonably]: No.


** 8. **
After the Opera, we went to a very nice restaurant. Another French guy joined us. I worried he wouldn't speak English, but in fact he was almost fluent. The conversation was going really well. The French, at their best, are highly interesting and thoughtful and great company. Anais, though, was not at her best. She spoke French. At first, Helene and the guy gamely tried to keep the discussion in English, but eventually, Anais turned the whole thing away from English, and cut me out. She later claimed it was my punishment for refusing her kiss.
Amusingly, she thought we were now even, and that we would go home and make monkey-love all night.
“No,” I said, “We won't do that. When I get home, I will brush my teeth, and get into bed, alone.”
“Sure,” she said, shining her eyes at me. She knew I would be hers that night. She had played the game perfectly.


We walked down Wenceslas Square towards our flat. Helene and the guy were hanging back. “They are giving us time to be alone,” said Anais, in case I was too stupid to understand.
“Boy, am I tired,” I said, stretching. “Listening to all that French made me really sleepy. I can't wait to get to bed and cuddle up with my soft, warm... cat.”
“Oh, Androo,” said Anais. “We had Opera, good food, wine... conditions are perfect.”
“And you've been smoking and being rude to me all night, and are intensely obsessed with me in a way which makes me fear for my safety and the safety of those around me. Yes, these are the perfect conditions.”
“Silly Androo,” she said, thinking I was joking. I turned around. Helene and the guy had vanished. It was the least subtle plot since that porn movie I saw where the housewife couldn't afford to pay the plumber.


After brushing my teeth, I went to my bedroom. Anais was astonished. “But... but... what about monkey-loving?”
“No.”
Annoyingly, she tried to keep me awake by crying and sniffling and so on. The French can be so rude!


** 9. **
The next day she was all red-eyed and pathetic. I felt sorry for her, probably because I'm such a good person.
“Let's go shopping and see a movie,” I said.
She looked incredulous. Then she looked hopeful.
“Do not,” I said, “Talk during the movie. I hate that.” I saw her trying to internalise this instruction. I wondered if there had been any ninety minute period in her entire adult life when she had remained silent. It would be difficult for her, but I knew she'd try. Out of love.
We went to see Jumper, about a guy who can teleport. Anais tried to make me feel jealous by going on and on about the star, Hayden Christensen. It was easy for me to shut her up: “We're mainly watching this movie because it has Rachel Bilson. She's hot as hell. She's hotter than the sun. She's hot like - “ I stopped because Anais's lips were wobbling.
Anais talked non-stop during the trailers, but obediently shut up when the movie started. She spoke only once, when Rachel Bilson was kissing Hayden. “She's not that hot,” she whispered.
This made me laugh.
“You're okay, kid,” I said, digging her in the arm.


** 10. **
Anais couldn't eat because she was in love. I ordered my favourite dish, which was pasta with chicken, spinach, and cheese. Mmm! Anais, still in love despite what she perceived as me being mean to her, took out a pack of cigarettes.
And started smoking while I was eating.
Oh.
My.
God.
She spent that night crying, too, and I was never again able to eat that meal without tasting the acrid smoke she insisted on blowing in my face as part of her French mating ritual.


** 11. **
Anais went back to France, more in love than when she had arrived. The monks at the Shaolin Temple, where I learned Tai Chi, believe that love is an energy which cripples while it liberates. Now, Anais has been liberated by her love for some non-English guy, but her memory of the events in Prague seems to have been crippled by this new love.
Almost two years after her trip to Prague, she wrote a blog entry full of inaccuracies and unexplained gaps. Inaccuracies which I have corrected, and gaps which I have filled. Now, at last, the world knows the truth about Anais.
.

10 More Things I Learned in Switzerland

* Being 'blue-eyed' means being gullible.

* County Thurgau is known as the Apple Juice India, because it makes lots of apple juice and er... is shaped like India. The inhabitants of Thurgau are said to have evolved long fingers after many years of pickpocketing.

* One of the two main supermarkets sells neither alcohol nor cigarettes, because the founder believed they were harmful. The store does sell lego, blank DVDs, and stealth technology, so it's not like you can't have *any* fun.

* There is a few thousand tons of solid gold in a big vault under the main street in Zurich, Bahnhofstrasse. Hopefully one day I'll see a Die Hard 3-style escapade involving big trucks and cool diggers.

* Ronny Biggs is famous here, but the 'For Mash Get Smash' TV adverts from the 70s aren't.

* Tina Turner can't buy the fantasy house she rents. Swiss people don't like to sell land outside the family.

* The military, and I swear this is true, have a hollowed-out mountain full of planes and armies and shit.

* Most blocks of flats have fall-out shelters built into the basement.

* Swiss farmers, and once again I assure you I'm not making this up, love to wear cow-shaped earrings.

* It is considered unprofessional, in Zurich at least, for bankers to have a beard. Retail staff also shouldn't have beards. It's okay for homeless people and teachers though.