Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The World's Worst Dating Advice?



Women are like video games.  If a man presses her 'forward' button, then the left, then lets his thumb sweep round the joypad while pressing the A button, his girlfriend will then produce a giant blue fireball.  This will score the boyfriend as many as five hundred points.




That's why this guide is so useful - it shows exactly how to keep the love and romance in a relationship.  If you do three things a day, your relationship is sure to prosper.


Assuming you are too busy and important to click on links, here are some highlights:


1.  Upon returning home, find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.  [Even if you really need the toilet or if she's napping and hugging her will wake her up.]
3.  Practice listening and asking questions.  [Mirrors can be useful for this.]
10.  Validate her feelings when she is upset.  [Validating a temper tantrum is definitely the right thing to do.]
18.  Offer to build a fire in the wintertime  [Useful if your girlfriend lives in 1950.]
22.  When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.  [It's not enough to just ask.  You have to remember to get the stuff!]
24.  Give her four hugs a day.  [Never three; never five.]
29.  Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.  [And prove that romance isn't dead.]
34.  Take her side when she is upset with someone.  [Especially if that someone is you.]
57.  Notice how she is feeling and comment on it, e.g., "You look happy today" or "You look tired", and then ask a question like "How was your day?"  [Women love being told they look tired.]
60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.  [But don't leave a post-it note on the keyboard of her laptop or she'll freak out.  I know.]
68.  Write out neatly any phone messages you make or take for her.  [Many relationships have been ended by poorly written messages.]
89.  Create special time to be alone together.  [Time machines are handy for creating time.  Also, starships with warp drives.]
99.  Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.  [When she asks why you aren't eating, tell her it's because you are looking forward to some sexy time later.  Do your best Borat voice.]



2 comments:

  1. Sound advice. I'm going to buy Laura a pie.

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  2. Much funnier with your insights. Made me laugh, but then again, "The elements of style" by Strunk & White also makes me laugh. Also, the new design looks cool but affects the readability.

    http://tryingtobeconscious.wordpress.com/

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