Brazil 1 - 0 Croatia
TEN MAN BRAZIL SHOCK CROATS
Plucky underdogs Brazil, forced by their sponsors to play with only ten men for 70 minutes, gamely held on to record a shock victory over a superior Croatia side.
"We are gutted," said Man of the Match Dado Prso, "We made them look amateur for most of the game, but we couldn't quite score a goal. I think we lost some concentration because that weird fat guy got onto the pitch and nobody seemed to notice. We told the referee there was a fully-clothed streaker on the pitch but he made us play on. The fat streaker - and thank god he had a Brazil shirt on, because I don't want to see what he looks like underneath! - just stood in the same place until he was removed after 70 minutes. In that time Brazil scored a lucky goal and we ran out of mental energy. I don't understand how a slow, fat, waste of space can be allowed on to the pitch for 70 minutes - this is the World Cup, after all."
Spain 4 - 0 Ukraine
1) "Spain are the biggest underachievers in world football," lied the voice coming out of my telly, "except maybe China and India, combined population 2 billion, and maybe Mexico, which is sort of like a much bigger version of Spain. And I suppose countries like Russia, which are much bigger than Spain and have similar coaching standards, have underachieved too. In fact, when you think about it geopolitically, Spain are one of the biggest overachievers in world football. Let's hope they get their comeuppance today."
2) Ukraine boss Oleg Blokhin blasted the match referee, claiming the ref was 'clearly biased'. His furious diatribe looks set to land him in trouble with FIFA. "We knew from the start he was against us," ranted the man they call Oleg, "He kept calling us 'The Ukraine', like people call Arsenal, 'The Arsenal'. Our name is not 'The Ukraine', it is 'Ukraine'. He was insulting us from the very start of the match. And then you can see he gave our defender a red card for slapping Torres on the ass. Look at Torres, he is a handsome young man. Many people want to slap him on the ass. It's not a red card offence. FIFA, or 'The FIFA' as I will call them, can shove their World Cup."
Tunisia 2 - 2 Saudi Arabia
"Oh god, not this again. It's a non-story," wept veteran Saudi Arabia player Nawaf Al Temyat, "Every time Saudi comes to the World Cup, the Western media laugh at our incentive schemes. The stick we get is a form of cultural imperialism."
He added, "In the last World Cup, we offered a Mercedes to every player who scored a goal. But it didn't work because every player already had a Mercedes and we didn't score any goals in the whole tournament. So this time, the reward for a goal is a virgin. We were very poor in the first half, so at half-time the coach showed us some photographs of the virgins, and you can see how many shots we had in the second half."
Defender Ahmed Al-Bahri said, "The team bonus in the last World Cup was 50,000 US dollars per player per win, but we lost 8-0, 3-0, and 1-0. So we changed the incentive. In this World Cup, every time we win a game, we can select one Saudi citizen we dislike and a government hit squad will execute that person. Amnesty International don't like it, but they don't understand the pressures of international football."
Germany 1 - 0 Poland
1) "Actually, I like Germany," said the outstanding Polish goalkeeper Artur Boruc, "The countryside is beautiful and the cities are picturesque. The people are friendly and the beer is liquid ambrosia. But German hot dogs boil my blood. The sausage is never less than two feet long, which as you know is 17 Polish Kwartnik, yet the bun is never more than 4 inches long. It is impractical and sometimes I think they do it to annoy their Polish guests in a very subtle way. Where can we put the mustard?"
2) "We deserved to win," nodded German coach Jürgen Klinsmann, "Poland defended bravely but any team who play for a draw morally deserve to lose. To be honest, I knew we would win from the moment I saw a training video in which the Polish defence struggled with fast wing attacks and had mustard and ketchup dribbled all down their shirts."
Ecuador 3 - 0 Costa Rica
1) "Their lungs are enormous," gasped shattered Costa Rica striker Paulo Wanchope, "I've never seen such huge lungs. We all know that Ecuador is 300 miles above sea level, so their players have superhuman fitness. When they come down from their mountains to play in the World Cup, it is like Prometheus coming down from Zeus's mountain to teach men about fire. You know, in the future, Ecuador will win the World Cup every time, because they will be the only country that is not underwater."
2) "We've just seen the goal of the tournament, one of the best goals of any World Cup!" bubbled the voice from the TV, "But we can't show you a replay because we have to cut to the enormous head of Sam Allardyce, who will talk about the England match which is only 3 hours away."
3) "I wanted to score a goal and wear a yellow spider-man mask," said Ivan Kaviedes. "That doesn't make me insane. Some spiders are yellow. Never forget that."
England 2 - 0 Trinidad
1) "Some England fans have described our performance as 'worse than torture'," whispered England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson, "But in fact I think that is an exaggeration. Maybe it was 'worse than the dentist', or 'worse than being bitten by a rabid dog', but not worse than torture. No, I can't accept that."
2) "I don't think we're the worst team in the competition, no," lisped England defender Rio Ferdinand, "I mean, look at that foreign team the other day, they were rubbish too."
Sweden 1 - 0 Paraguay
1) "We are out of the World Cup," sneered Paraguay actionman Nelson Valdez, "But Sweden are out of fashion. I don't understand all these teams wearing yellow; No-one has worn yellow in about 6 seasons. With their colouring, Sweden should wear plum, blue-green, or blue-grey. A nice marine blue would work best."
2) "Larsson created many problems for us," nodded Paraguay manager Anibal Ruiz, "He was very clever and his movement was exceptional. I saw him tap the shoulder of my centre-back and then run away, and my player couldn't see anybody there. If you watch the replay you can see he does that just before the goal. Now we fly home."
Argentina 6 - 0 Serbia Monty
1) "Yes, Riquelme is a legend," began Serbia coach Ilija Petkovic after watching his team watch Riquelme destroy them, "But he is not the best player in the world. The best in the world is surely Dusan Petkovic, who I selected in the squad. Sadly not everyone in Serbia believes me, and they said I picked him because of the coincidence that he is my firstborn, so he stayed at home. I feel sorry for the fans in the stadium today. They paid good money to see the best player in the world, and had to settle for second best."
2) "Amazing scenes here," droned BBC nonsense-monger Jonathan Pearce, "just look at the Argentine fans all around the stadium. It's like a blue sea, if you can imagine such a thing."
3) "Yes, I am supporting Argentina," said popular English comedian Peter Kay, "And yes I am wearing a large papier mache ball on my head. And no, I am not doing this for commercial reasons. It's a coincidence that I am touring Argentina next month, starting in the Royal Diego Hall in Buenos Aires, tickets priced 300 Pesos."
1) "I do think we should play the rest of the tournament," said Dutch captain Edwin van der Sar, in response to FIFA's plan to give the trophy to Argentina and let everyone go home. "Because I need to play another game to become Holland's most-capped player, and because it's too late to book a summer holiday. If we go home now, the missus will make me paint the spare room."
2) Referees don't normally talk to the media, but today's ref, Julian Oscar Ruiz Acosta, is under contract to a TV station in his native Mexico, and after the game, he told them, "I thought I handled the game very well. Some people say I shouldn't have booked Drogba and Robben, but just look at their faces! Yellow card? They are lucky I didn't euthanise them right there on the pitch. It's legal in Mexico, you know."
3) "Look, I don't dive," lied Dutch winger Arjen Robben, "I just sort of fall vertically upwards sometimes. It looks like I dive, but that is an optical illusion caused by all the flashbulbs going off in the stadium."
4) "Look, I don't deliberately handball," lied Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba, "It's an optical illusion created by my double-jointed shoulder and wrist. I've been cleared by biometric tests."
Mexico 0 - 0 Angola
1) "Stop asking me about Mexico's human rights record," mouthed their coach Ricardo La Volpe, "I don't know anything about it. Ask me about the World Cup, Keira Knightley, or Big Brother 7. Nothing else."
2) Angola boss Luis Oliveira Goncalves was more forthright: "I'll tell you what, if countries with bad human rights records weren't allowed in the World Cup, torture and arbitrary detention in Mexico would stop tomorrow. What? Big Brother? Glyn to win!"
3) A spokesman for Amnesty International said, "Mexico played brightly in patches, but unlike Argentina they couldn't sustain their excellence over 90 minutes, and Angola deserved a point for their awesome defensive efforts."