Saturday, May 28, 2011

Making Fun of Cecile (Part Eighteen in an Infinite Series)

THE INVISIBLE BANAN


"Androo," whined Cecile, a French woman who had invited me to lunch but told me I had to leave after my starter because she had someone else coming. "Androo, about what can I write my next blog post?"
"Why don't you translate some Latin jokes into English?"
"That's more your thing. But I do want to write something funny. My posts are all bitterly depressing and hippyish these days."
"Tell a bad joke to some people," I said, "and then write about their reactions. Test the joke on some women. They won't laugh. That's your control group.  Then tell it to some men. Men will laugh because they want your body, and because attractive people are assumed to be funnier (and many other things)."
"That's an awful, terrible idea."
"Actually, it's an amazing idea. "
"Yes, you're right. After automatically disagreeing with you like always, I've decided you're right, like always. I wonder why I force us both to act out this charade? But what should the joke be?"
"What's yellow and invisible?"
[Not getting that I'm telling a joke.] "I don't know. What is yellow and invisible?"
[Holding up nothing in his hand:] "This banana."
[Genuinely laughing:] "AhahahaHHAHAhaha! I don't get it. Let's choose a different joke."


FIVE MINUTES LATER
"Androo, what are you doing?"
"Huh?"
"Are you taking a photo of yourself pretending to hold a banana?"
"No."
"Yes, you are. Take one of me."


FIVE HOURS LATER
SMS from Cecile: "I have been having fun with the joke project. Please send me the photo of me pretending to hold a banana."
Me, by email: "Sure. On its way."




THREE HOURS LATER
Email from Cecile: "Andrew, this made me laugh :-). Do you think you could replace the heart with a banana? That'd be so awesome I'd have to be your friend forever."
Reply: "I'll try."






Facebook chat message from Cecile: "I said a BANANA not a freaking ANANAS. Seriously, with a banan it would be just great"
My reply: "Sorry, the Internet is out of bananas."

Cecile: "I don't believe you."


A BIT LATER
Me: "Okay, here's one with a banana:"




I waited patiently for her response so I could make a final, apocalyptic picture. None came until I got to the school. She had found out which classroom I'd be teaching in, and graffiti-ed my whiteboard.
It said, 
'BONJOUR LE CLÀSSE, Je m'appelle ANDREW ET J'aime les bananes et Le FRANCE Bien Sûr.'
Huh? It's fair to say I was perplexed, especially as I'm sure there's a lot of bad French in there.




TWO DAYS LATER
Cecile published the first part of her side of the story. I wrote to her: "Do you still need the photo?"
She said, "Yes, if it comes with a banana."


So, here it is:


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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Asterix and the Big Fight: Latin Jokes Explained



A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. 



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Friday, May 20, 2011

Agony Andrew - Relationship and Life Expert: "Is This Normal?"

ASK ANDREW

Is something troubling you? Getting you down? A problem shared is a problem halved.

For over twenty years, Andrew has been giving unsolicited advice about relationships, family, punctuation, and the best ways to conceal wickedness. Now you, too, can benefit from his wisdom, and receive the kindness and support you deserve.



Today's Topic: Is This Normal?

Dear Andrew,
There's this guy I want to sleep with, but he refuses! Let's call him Eric. I can't understand it. I'm really hot and I told him how much I love him and how much we're meant to be together. He laughed and called me creepy, but strangely this made me want him even more.
He said he didn't want to sleep with me because I had a boyfriend, so I broke up with him last week. When I told Eric, he just laughed and told me to get back together with my ex because "he's a cool guy."
So now I want to know how to make him love me. But first, how to make him sleep with me.
I threatened to kill myself if he didn't have sex with me, but all he did was roll his eyes and walk home.
Is this normal?
Magda

Dear Magda,
No offence, but you sound a bit mental. My guess is that you'd be getting sex right now if you weren't all weepy about it.
Just chill out, apologise to Eric for trying to manipulate him, promise never to try that emotional blackmail shit on him again, and then go to his place wearing a French maid's outfit.

Dear Andrew,
I'm worried about my friend. She's married to a cool guy, but she seems to be spending a lot of time with this creepy foreigner. I heard her talk about the foreign guy a lot and he sounded okay, but I saw them together at a party and I realised he's totally in love with my friend.
Part of me is worried that this foreign guy will ruin my friend's relationship, and part of me is jealous that two men like my friend and no-one likes me. I keep bothering my friend about it because I want to end her friendship with the foreign guy.
Is this normal?
Celeste

Dear Celeste,
I think interfering in the lives of your friends based on the flimsiest of evidence is a great thing and shows true grit. You're right to try to make this foreign devil look bad - my only worry is that you aren't going far enough. Nagging your friend? Is that all?
If you're going to do something; do it right. ANY future contact between your friend and this guy represents a complete and utter failure on your part.
Now, get creative and get that fool out of her life!

Dear Andrew,
I sometimes pamper myself by eating a pizza and drinking a couple of cold beers while I'm having a bath. Is this normal?
Jack

Dear Jack,
Um... not really.


Lost? Lonely? Need help? Leave your problem in the comments section and Andrew may respond in a future edition of Ask Andrew.
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Monday, May 16, 2011

Andrew Pilgrim vs. Vienna















.
Buy the 6-volume Scott Pilgrim box set - it's great. I paid over 60 francs for it, but Amazon are selling it for ALMOST NOTHING! Go and buy it - it's so cheap I barely get anything if you do, but I just want you to be happy. Buy right now and get a cool poster! Mine is on the wall in front of my very eyes. True story. Here's the link: http://geni.us/Pilgrim

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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Asterix and Cleopatra: Latin Jokes Explained



A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

The site is extremely beautiful, by the way. 


Monday, May 09, 2011

A Trillion and One Ways to Score Points with Chicks (part three)

Link to Part One     Link to Part Two     Link to Part Four


16. Understand the true nature of her threats. She makes threats because she's insecure. What's the worst she can do? Carry out her threat? Great! Saves you having to dump her. Next time, date someone more mature.
* "Tell me how old you are or I'm leaving." Tsch! Ask yourself if you really want to date a spoilt little princess brat. Clue: the answer should be no. 
* "If you go to watch football instead of taking me shopping we're finished." Ptsch! It's Andorra United vs. AFC Inuit. I'm not missing that for anyone.  
* "If you want me, you can't be friends with that girl." Oops! I choose my friend. Bye!

17. If she's being a dick, call her a dick. Handy phrase: "You're being kind of a dick."
Case Study:
You can't find your phone. You suspect the girl has hidden it somewhere in your flat.
Andrew: "Have you hidden my phone?"
Girl: "Yes. I want you to focus on me."
Andrew: "That's pretty dicky. Maybe you should leave."
Girl: "What? No. I'm sorry."
Andrew: "Pissing me off all the time isn't going to get you laid."
18. Assume she likes you instead of trying to make her like you. Men worry too much about if a girl likes him. Just pretend like she does. After a while, she actually will.
Andrew: [Finishes telling awesome, hilarious story which demonstrates some of his myriad positive traits, like traveling a lot and making French girls cry and generally being the best of the best of the best.]
Girl: Giggle. So funny.
Andrew: Yeah, I can see why you like me.
19. If she hates cats, buy her a cat calender for her birthday. Note - you should be dating a cat lover anyway.





20. Make fun of her home town. She's either too provincial, or too bourgeois. "Do you have the Internet there?" "How old were you when you learned to milk a cow?" "I guess normal social conventions like bringing a bottle of wine to a guy's flat are too passe for you Paris girls."

21. Show you understand her problems by offering stark, sociopathic solutions. "Hey, Julie, remember you were telling me your boss was giving you stress? I spoke to my friend in the police and for two hundred pounds we can get him added to the Sex Offenders Register."

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Saturday, May 07, 2011

Asterix and the Banquet: Latin Jokes Explained



A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

The site is extremely beautiful, by the way. 



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Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Asterix the Gladiator: Latin Jokes Explained



A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.

The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.

The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.

It also has a new webcomic called Asterix vs Hitler.