Thursday, April 28, 2011

Asterix and the Goths: Latin Jokes Explained



A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.

The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.

The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.

It also has a new webcomic called Asterix vs Hitler.


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Monday, April 25, 2011

Asterix and the Golden Sickle: Latin Jokes Explained



A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.

The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.

The difference between this cramped, stuffy blog and that luxury site is the same as when you sell your one-bedroom flat in London and buy a six-bedroom villa anywhere else in the country. The furniture is better, the air is clearer, and you can stroll around your garden smelling flowers and sighing contentedly.

It also has a new webcomic called Asterix vs Hitler.
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Saturday, April 23, 2011

Average Contents

When I was a kid working in a corner shop, I noticed that tubs of cotton buds were labelled as containing '100 Cotton Buds'. 'Really?' I said to myself.  'You'd better be pretty damn sure of that, Mister Unilever. Or I'm going to sue your ass.'


Sure enough, one day Dustin Hoffmann came in to buy some fags. I opened a tub of cotton buds and poured them onto the counter in front of him. He said 'thirty-two, thirty-two, thirty-two. Ninety-six total.' He was right, and there was only one left in the box. Three less than promised! So I sued the corporation under the Weights and Measures Act of 1906 and won three thousand pounds. Now companies protect themselves by writing 'Average Contents - 100.' Makes sense, I guess.


Which brings us to this shoe box I saw today:


Average contents, 2
Guess I can't sue Puma, then, even if I get home and find there is only one shoe in my box.  So, what's next?  This trend has been taken to its logical conclusion.  There's nowhere left to go.


Right?


Wrong.


Here's a sneak preview of the future, my friends:


iPad with disclaimer
Mars with disclaimer
Birthday present with disclaimer

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Asterix the Gaul: Latin Jokes Explained


Hi, fellow Asterix fan!

I wrote this series of 'Latin Jokes Explained' posts many years ago, and have since moved them to a dedicated Asterix website.

The posts translate all the Latin phrases found in the Asterix books, explain why they are funny, and maybe even add an extra dash of humour to the situation thanks to my good friend Professor Ibrox and his leery Scottish charm.

The new site is something of a labour of love - apart from the Latin Jokes Explained series there's also the World Cup of Asterix, where I try to find the best book, and some fun listicles like one which shows the best cameos in Asterix. (You'll never believe who's at number 2! etc)

I encourage you to go over there and take a look at all the posts in their new, full-screen glory. It's really sexy and cool.

Go right now ---> Everything Asterix


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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Trillion and One Ways to Score Chicks (part two)

1,000,000,000,001 Ways to Score Chicks (part two)

The first ten tips can be found here.

11. Creep her out from time to time.  "Can I have a bit of your hair? I can't tell you why."  Or send her a text message: I CAN SEE YOU.  Women are not attracted to predictable men.


12. Say things to her that girls normally say to guys.  "You're not getting any sex tonight."   "Do that again and it's no sex for a week."  "Does this shirt make me look fat?"   "Is he more handsome than me?"  "Hey! I have a brain. Stop treating me like a sex object."  Think about it - if you've already said it, she can't say it to you.  Take away her weapons and mess with her head in one simple, easy-to-master concept.

13. When a girl makes a mistake, very patiently and kindly point it out.  Then, even more patiently and more kindly, start teaching her basic things that she's sure to already know.   For example, she's written something and put 'their' instead of 'they're'.  Hey, it happens.

Andrew: "Ah, you've put their there instead of they're. See?"Girl: "Oops, typo. Thanks!"Andrew: "They're is short for they are."Girl: "Yes."Andrew: "Their is possessive."Girl: "I know, I..."Andrew: "That thing there is called an apostrophe."Girl: "Okay! I know! It was a typo!"

14. If you want to date foreign chicks, don't bother learning their whole language.  She speaks English, right?   If she doesn't, your relationship is merely feral, so just learn a few adaptable phrases.   You're going to pick up some nouns anyway without even trying; learn a few basic structures and change the endings.

Case Study - French
Hello Anais, mon petit champignon.   (my little mushroom)
Hello Helene, mon petit chou-fleur.   (my little cauliflower)
Hello Delphine, mon petit lune de miel.  (my little honeymoon)

It's also charming to vandalise their language.

German: Was ist der clock? (What time is it?) Mein gott in himmel!  Ich bin ein delayer! (Oh, no, I'm late!)
French: J'suis mange le fromage (I'm eating some cheese). Le fromage c'est fin de si├Ęcle. (The cheese is decadent.)

And make terrible jokes:
Andrew: "What do you call a French rock star?"
Cecile: "I don't know. Tell me."
Andrew: "Jon Bonjour-vi."
Cecile: [perplexed] "How is that related to the conversation we're having?"

15. Hold back a couple of bits of info about yourself.  Be vague and evasive.  Try hiding your age.  Make sure you've deleted it from Facebook.  Why does she need to know, anyway?   Not telling a girl your age will intrigue and annoy her.  This is a good thing.  String her along for a few months.  If you feel like you've annoyed her enough already, wait till she asks something else so that when you tell her, you maintain her level of obsession with you.

Girl: Have you ever been in love?
Andrew: Well, I can answer that, or I can tell you how old I am.
Girl: [torn] Um... your age.
Andrew: I'm X.
Girl: Uh, okay. [Is now obsessed with the love question.]


Link to Part One      Link to Part Three      Link to Part Four
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