Sunday, November 11, 2007

French Horoscope

(Translated from Friday's Le Monde International Edition)

March 21 - April 19
Word of the day: Moisture

Just as red sea crabs fight epic underwater battles against blue crabs, so you must battle - against your own complacency.

April 20 - May 20
Soup of the day: Disguised Onion

A talentless pretentious obnoxious so-called film so-called director will sit at a table near you trying to flirt with a Japanese woman in bad English. A cute guy on the table next to you will flirt with the waitress you like and she will smile at him. The gay waiter will be the only one who smiles at you. Do you still want to go to the restaurant?

May 21 - May 25
Match of the day: Harlequins vs Wirral

The out of work actor is lying to you. He is paid handsomely to appear in sauce commercials. If you had a TV you'd know that.

May 26 - July 18
Your gemstone: Charcoal

Today is an auspicious day to read the book you bought when it was raining and you'd spent so long in the bookshop you felt you had to buy something. Start on page 8 and you'll enjoy it more.

July 19 - September 31
Your lucky cellphone: Nokia 3310

Don't try to commit suicide using electricity. Voltage is not fatal to you today.

October 1 - October 8
Au Gratin
Your lucky crab: Red

Confucious said, 'The child is the father of the man.' So don't call the police when you see an 8 year old spanking a 40-year old.

October 9
Your lucky number: Slevin

You will make a discovery. Not, like, gravity, or America. Something like 'your grandfather met Hitler' or 'red wine doesn't clean white wine.'

October 10 - December 31
Nouveau Gauche
Your lucky dead language: Latin

You are spending too much mental energy blaming your parents. Sure, you wanted to become a supermarket manager, but your parents were right to send you to mime school. It's time to pull on your tight black and white-striped sweater and pretend to be in a box.

January 1 - March 21
Your lucky ancient civilisation: Mayan

Plants can't grow without attention. Have you watered your relationships recently? Do it in the shower so your partner can rinse off.

March 22 - April 22
Fête Noire
Your lucky day: Yes

Finally, you will meet the man who has been writing about you. He's nice.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

English Rose vs French Femme Fatale

Part two of an extensive investigation into English attitudes towards France and the French.

My research into the differences between English and French women took to me Hleb Industrial Park in Devon, home of the National Stereotypes Union. "Tell me what to think," I said to a deskwoman. She picked up a leaflet, licked it erotically, and handed it to me.

It was a simple questionnaire, which I reprint here in part.

Anglo-Frenchal Female Characteristics Binary, version 2

You are hungry. There is an orange. How do you eat it?
a) Peel it first.
b) Leave the peel on and eat it like an apple.

Complete the sentence. "You can never have too many..."
a) condiments.
b) boyfriends.

wipe; stress; montage; blasphemy; pompous
Which word is the odd one out?
a) pompous
b) stress

Carrying your cat to the park is
a) vaguely sociopathic.
b) probably something the cat would enjoy.

Does the word 'artichoke' make you think about sex?
a) Yes.
b) No.

"Men seldom make passes..."
a) at girls who wear glasses.
b) at girls with fat asses.

When you were a girl, you wanted to be...
a) the Queen of France.
b) the Queen of England.

The test continues for three pages, and ends with:

If you chose mostly (a) you are English.
If you chose mostly (b) you are French.
If you chose an (a) and (b) equally, you are bad at maths. There are 31 questions. Think about it.