Frequently Asked Questions
Q. When did you start writing?
A. When I was about twelve my English teacher gave us a page from a book set in Victorian times and told us our homework was to continue the story. I used seventy-once pence of my hard-earned paperboy cash to buy some Mr. Kipling cakes (to get into the Victorian mood) and lay on the floor of my bedroom imagining I was some kid from those times. The story was a smash hit. I got an A. I asked the teacher how I could have improved it. "I can't think how," she said, "It left me wanting more." I stared at her, and said, "So if it can't be improved, give me an A-plus." She liked the cut of my jib and upgraded my score.
Q. Are you writing less on your blog because you're writing a book and it's awesome?
Q. Have people started calling your new book 'The Next Harry Potter'?
Q. Do you write when inspiration hits or do you set some time aside every day?
A. I write when I want revenge on some girl. Averaged out, that's probably twice a week. My thought process is something like, 'So Cassandra thinks she can make me jealous by going on a date with a swarthy Italian? Well, I can write a blog post about how Mick Hucknall is better than Mozart, get a hundred hits, and laugh in her face when she tells me how bad the date was.'
Q. What's your favourite word?
A. Glottlestop. It must be pronounced without the Ts in the middle.
Q. Have you ever been in love?
A. Love is bad chemicals in the brain. Have I ever had bad chemicals floating around my brain? Yes.
Q. What is Draco Malfoy’s Patronus?
A. As of the end of Half-Blood Prince, he has no idea how to produce one, so nobody knows. You must remember that the ability to produce a Patronus demonstrates an advanced level of magic not routinely taught to young Hogwarts students (hence the surprise of the prospective members of Dumbledore’s Army when they find out that Harry can make a Patronus).
Q. What would your Patronus be?
A. It would be shaped like me.
Q. Why are you so weird?
A. Yes, I get that you like me. Thanks, I'm flattered. But you're not my type.
Q. Why is Napoleon's hand in his coat?
A. He had cold hands. Next.
Q. Why did you move to Switzerland?
A. To meet girls called Heidi. It's well-known that women named Heidi are hotter and cuddlier than women with other names.
Q. What's your favourite Seinfeld episode?
A. The Opposite.
Q. What were your prize-winning haiku?
A. The first one was written when I was in Shanghai during the SARS outbreak. People weren't sure who was at risk. Everyone had a theory about who got SARS and who didn't. I tried to use classical haiku conventions - season-based imagery, use of a colon, and a 5-7-5 syllable structure.
I won first prize - a bunch of books. The books didn't come, so I wrote to complain. Then two sets of books arrived. Emboldened by winning twice as many prizes as anyone else in the competition, I decided to pay post-modern haiku homage to Ruud van Nistelrooy, the free-scoring Manchester United striker.
Though in my opinion superior to the first, it won only second prize.
Q. The stats in the Fact page are wrong. You didn't make that many posts in 2006!
Q. Some of your older posts seem to be missing. What gives?
A. I've deleted some older posts which aren't relevant or no longer meet quality standards.
A. Time is the king of men. He's our parent; he's our grave. He gives us what he wants, not what we crave.
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