Thursday, April 18, 2013

Dating a Dwarf

I started dating a chick. Jen likes horsies, wears scarves, and talks about Ryan Gosling all the time. From this description, she would seem to be the same as any modern woman.

However, there's one 'small' difference; She is a dwarf.

You might think it's terribly hard for a normal-sized human like me to have a relationship with someone so very tiny, but like everything, there are advantages and disadvantages.

Disadvantages of Dating a Dwarf
There are more drawbacks than the very predictable ones, such as heightened (lol) belligerence and not being allowed on roller coasters.

Consider, also:

Death Stools
Jen's flat has a spice shelf. She can't reach it. Now if that were me, I'd put my spices on a lower shelf. But no. The spice shelf is the spice shelf and there can be no discussion.

So, with scant regard to her personal dignity or my safety, she clutters her kitchen with tiny stools designed for babies. Every time I go into her kitchen I risk tripping up and smashing my brains all over the surfaces.
Death Stool

Which she wouldn't be able to clean because the cleaning products are stored out of her reach.

Can't Share Pillows / Pillow Fights Are Uneven Contests

Jen has an expensive Swiss memory foam pillow. She persuaded me to buy one. We had this conversation:

Jen: Do you like your new pillow?
Me: Yes. It's very comfy. It's strange though...
Jen: What?
Me: I thought I'd bought the same one as you but... I don't remember yours being that big.
Jen (turning red): Oh.
Me: What?
Jen (squirming): Nothing.
Me (masculinely): Say it.
Jen: Well, mine is child-size.
Me: !!!
Jen: Are you writing that down? Don't write that down!

I took some photos of her sleeping on my pillow. Her head looked like a solitary egg on a vast, empty buffet table. She refused to let me use the photos. So here's how my head looks on her pillow:

Possibly my hair gets a bit more ruffled

Colonisation of My Lower Shelves

We've all seen sitcoms. We know what happens. A guy meets a girl and slowly she starts taking over his flat. I recently noticed it happening to me.

But because she's so tiny and I don't allow Death Stools in my flat, Jen can only reach the bottom of my bathroom cabinet.


On the top you see my contact lenses; the next shelf has razors and toothpicks. The lowest shelf, the one in range of her little arms, has some girl things. I simply have no clue what the liquid in the orange bottle IS.

My best guess is that it is growth serum, and I'm terrified that one night I'll be so drunk I'll use it as mouthwash.

Advantages of Dating a Dwarf

There are the obvious things, such as always having an ice-breaker ("Hey, have you met my dwarf?") and I can offer to give her a massage knowing it'll only take five minutes. But also:

Being Allowed To Play in Playgrounds

Slides and see-saws are FUN but last time I went on some swings a woman came and shouted at me to get out of her garden. But if I'm out with Jen, people can't be sure what's going on. Perhaps she's my daughter? Or I'm doing charity work of some kind?

So I get to use the equipment. Jen likes it too, because it makes her "feel like a giant."

Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!

The correct way to ride a wooden horse

Getting Hero Points

It is well known that women compare men with storybook heroes and award or deduct points for heroic/unheroic deeds. Men who score a lot of hero points are pursued and kept; men who don't are discarded.

I lose points every time I say, "Okay, I'll just put some clothes on and be right there." I lose points every time I run out of milk, or don't hang towels up, or burp too loudly (rude) or too quietly (not masculine). Points are lost for so many reasons that it's a constant struggle to remain in the 'hero zone'.

Fortunately I score points just by being tall enough to reach things, or even to see over walls or hedges.

Can't Lose Fights

Another obvious one. Having dated a dwarf for a while, I realise that this comic strip is a true story.

The picture comes from a website called 9gag, which I've been giggling through for half an hour instead of thinking of a proper ending to this post.

So that's it for Dating a Dwarf.

Coming soon: Death Threats from a Dwarf

Update, September 2014

I get a fair few hits on this page through search terms like 'advice on dating a dwarf' and such. Sorry if this site wasn't what you were looking for - I didn't set out to mislead you. If you want some real advice, treat your girlfriend well no matter how tall she is. Example - don't make fun of her on the internet.