Saturday, December 24, 2011

Asterix in Switzerland: Latin Jokes Explained



A sexier version of this post, plus great new Asterix content, can be found on my superb new site - EverythingAsterix.com



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Friday, December 16, 2011

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Monday, December 05, 2011

Adapting Your Writing to Other Genres

Adapting Your Writing to Other Genres

If, like me, you mostly write soppy romantic fluff, your work is unlikely to be published in the highly lucrative sci-fi or fantasy markets. So here's a tutorial on how to adapt ANY piece of writing for publication in Cyborg Monthly, Pandev's Conbobulum, Sword of Seance, or one of the other famous sci-fi/fantasy mags.

The Sci-Fi Market

First, take a normal piece of writing:

The first time Susan stayed the night in my flat in Shanghai, long before I bought the heater, I gave her my hot water bottle at considerable cost to my own comfort. When I woke, cold and confused, I went into the living room; Dani had gone to work. I had the flat to myself. Unless… I looked at the bathroom door; it was closed. I stared at it; it opened. A magnificent wave of steam rolled out, rising, falling, convecting, turning my drab, tired bathroom into a tiled Chinese dragon breathing fire and water – and there in the midst of the mist stood Susan. She was surprised to see me, and I was surprised to see she was wearing only a miniature towel.   

Then modify with robots, lasers, space imagery, and consonant-heavy names.

The first time ZuXann the Space Minx stayed the night in my ultrapod in the upper atmosphere of Shangixx the Water Planet, long before I bought the anti-cold nebulators, I lent her my spinal warmth implant, at considerable cost to my own comfort. When I woke, cold and confused, I went into the shared-space pod; Dhani had gone to work. I had the space cabin to myself. Unless… I looked at the air-powered sliding bathroom door; it was closed. I stared at it; it opened. A magnificent wave of steam rolled out, rising, falling, convecting, turning my drab, tired bathroom into a space-chrome Chinese dragon breathing fire and water – and there in the midst of the mist stood ZuXann. She was surprised to see me, and I was surprised to see she was wearing only a miniature towel.

Done! Now you're ready to send it to a sci-fi magazine and cash in.

The Fantasy Market

Same kinda thing, but with orcs, swords, spells, and names that are a bit different to modern English ones.

The first time Sosenneh stayed the night in Shang High Castle, the ancestral home of Ulrich my father, son of Halbert, son of Niq, long before I bought the dragonfire stones, I lent her my warming pan, at considerable cost to my own comfort. When I woke, cold and confused, I went into the Solar; Dani had gone to work. I had the wing to myself. Unless… I looked at the garderobe doors; they were closed. I stared at them; they opened. A magnificent wave of steam rolled out, rising, falling, convecting, turning the drab, tired room into a wooden Oriental dragon breathing fire and water – and there in the midst of the mist stood Sosenneh. She was surprised to see me, and I was surprised to see she was wearing only a chastity belt.

Perfect! Using these methods you can quickly triple your writing income. Remember to use give some of your money to good causes.