Saturday, March 15, 2014

Speak Native English in Seconds

Learning English as a foreign language? Finding it hard?

STOP wasting time and money.

Improve your English in seconds by reading this short article!

Native speakers say 'literally' all the time, regardless of its true meaning. 

Say things like this:

(Having just dropped your ice cream)
"That is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me."

(You were surprised by the ending of a movie.) 
"My brain literally exploded."

Note - the more uneducated and stupid you sound, the more native-like you'll seem.

Bad Adverbs Can Be Good
Bad adverbs seem like bad words. But native speakers use them for positive things.

"That pizza was ridiculously good." = very good

"Those Swedish yoga women are stupidly hot." = very attractive, or running a fever

Stupidly hot - perfect for porning

Native speakers abuse nouns like I abuse all-you-can-eat buffets. They take a noun and use it as a verb. This is very stupid, and very effective.

"I went Guinnessing after class." = I went to drink Guinness after class.

"Are you Bonding on Thursday?" = Are you going to see the new James Bond movie on Thursday?

Should Of
Only native speakers would mindlessly butcher the language of Milton, of Shakespeare, to this extreme. Don't write 'should of' in your First Certificate exam, but do use it on the sidestreets of Manchester or when giving expert analysis on a sports broadcast. You'll fit right in.

"He should of passed to Rooney."
"I wouldn't of asked you to come if I'd knowed you'd be porning in my spare room."

And That
Do you find yourself running out of vocabulary mid-sentence? Try using 'and that' - it's the spoken equivalent of 'et cetera', but even easier to use.

* Instead of:
"This weekend I intend to go to the shops, partly to indulge in window shopping, partly to scout for discounts on goods and comestibles."

You can say:
"I'm going shopping and that."

* Instead of:
"The reason you have to say 'waking' in that sentence is because the preceding 'to' functions as a preposition."

You can say:
"It's just grammar and that."


Thursday, March 06, 2014

Nice Things About Switzerland #7: Fountains

"You can drink from the fountains," I was told on my second day in Zurich.
"I'm astonished," said my face.
"I know it's hard for us expats to believe. But it's true. The water is clean and pure and you can drink from any fountain throughout Switzerland!"
"But..." I said. "But. But."

But there was no but! It was right! I started going for jogs and planning my route according to where the fountains were. No need to carry a water bottle - just swig wherever, whenever. Fountains are also perfect places to wash away evidence after you've done a crime. Bonus.

'Drink me' said the fountain at the bottom of the rabbit-hole. 'No way, I'll get leprosy,' said Alice

Swiss people react strangely when I express my gratitude for this amazing luxury, because they can't imagine a world where you can't drink from fountains. 

I must sound like someone raving about shoes. "I was walking on glass and pebbles and hurting myself and then I found these things you can put on. They're called shoes! They protect my feet. Oh! And they make me taller!" 

But then, the German word for 'shoe' is 'foot-coffin', so I don't care if they think I'm the weird one.

During my childhood on the side-streets of Manchester, I dared not go near a fountain lest I contract leprosy or tetanus. So I appreciate Swiss fountains very much.

Here's a nice site with some of the photos I should have included in this post: "Discovering Zurich, one fountain at a time"