Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Learn EQ with Handrew (Part 1)

Hi! It's me, Andrew Girardin. As you know, I'm the world's number one expert on Emotional Intelligence, online dating, and snarkasm. But I wasn't always like this. I had a mentor. It's this guy:

My name is Handrew. I taught Andrew everything he knows. If you're reading his blog, you must be an appalling human being, so you qualify for my help too.


Lesson One: Know Yourself

Listen to Handrew:
"The first thing we need to do is put you in your Quadrant. Quadrants are the jargon I made up to describe your personality type. Simply answer these questions:

"Question 1. You see a spider. Do you:
a) Pull its wings off
b) Tickle it till it's bald
c) Instagram it then eat it?

"Question 2. On a scale of one to ten, how self-aware are you?
a) One.
b) Ten.
c) Is one high or low?

"Final question. You are in Coca Cola headquarters. In front of you is a yellowing scrap of paper with the secret recipe on it. If you read it, you'll know the biggest secret in the world, but the executives of that company will dedicate their lives to making you miserable.
1) Read it. I want to know the secret.
2) Read it. Being hounded by a corporation would give my life meaning.
3) Tl:dr. Lol.

"Now, check your results on this chart."

You answered...
Mostly A
Your personality type is BLUE.
Blue people have a strong need for people to like and respect them. They feel sad reading the previous sentence. They are more likely than average to over-condiment their food.

Mostly B
Your personality type is RED.
Reds often have goals and dreams that are unrealistic. They react violently to flies and mosquitoes. They are more likely than average to have a favourite letter.

Mostly 3
Your personality type is SQUIRREL.
Squirrels are their own worst critics and hate the way their voice sounds on tape. They are more likely than average to use the word plebiscite. Their fur is soft and silky.

Mostly OTHER
Your personality type is DIVERGENT.
Divergents have one leg longer than the other, but enjoy jogging or hiking nonetheless. Their personalities exhibit elements of the other three - sometimes they transform into PURPLE SQUIRRELS, causing obvious friction.

"Great! Now that we know your personality type, we can start deleting everything that's holding you back and reprogram you. Don't be afraid - it's easier than changing from Apple to Samsung!"

Coming soon: Part 2


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Andrew's True Reviews: Spring 2014

"Andrew, I want to buy something! Tell me some things you bought and write reviews so I know if I should buy them too!"


Brand: Dunno
Product: Anti-snoring nose ring thingy

True Review: This little piece of plastic looks like a sex toy from some awesome porn, but its makers claim that if you wedge it into your nostrils it will stop you snoring. Ludicrous, surely? Except it seems to work: since I started using it, I haven't listened to a single complaint about snoring.

I bought it at a pound shop in England somewhere. If you can't find it in your area, I'm providing an Amazon link (where it gets pretty terrible reviews, so I suppose it doesn't work for everyone.)

If you snore and can spare two pounds on a thing that might cure you, find it on Amazon! It probably won't work if all the cocaine you take has worn away your septum.

Brand: Beurer 
Product: BF-800 Diagnostic Scales

The scales
Still quite a lot of subcutaneous fat to shift

True Review: I had my eye out for a deal on either this or the Withings WS-50. Both are cool scales which estimate your body fat and muscle mass and transmit the data to your smartphone.

The build quality is really nice. It's like standing on the prow of an oligarch's yacht. When Jen's not around I stand on it, naked, and extend my arms out wide saying, "I'm the king of the world!" If you can't picture that clearly, let me know and I'll commission an artist to draw it.

I bought it because weight alone isn't a good measure of my health. I lost 3 or 4 kilos through not drinking alcohol in January, but had no idea if that was fat loss or muscle loss. As Peter Drucker said, "What gets measured gets managed," and now I can 'measure' my fat (which is on a slightly upward trend just now because I haven't been able to exercise for a couple of weeks).

Summary: Buy.

UPDATE - It's actually a bit unreliable and sometimes the bluetooth doesn't work. When I upgraded my iPhone I found the scale didn't like the new model. Bit of a pain in the ass and I wish I'd gone for the Withings.

Brand: Samsung
Product: Syncmaster 2493HM

True Review: I picked up a monitor second-hand for 50 francs (33 pounds). Being 24", it makes my old 20" look pretty cramped. Imagine you used to share a prison cell with a burly arsonist but after you shivved him they moved you to solitary and it's 30 percent bigger.

On this particular monitor, the sound comes out tinny, the menu keys were designed by a sociopath, and the headphones jack should be anywhere instead of where they put it. Despite that, I'd recommend it to anyone - it's a really good monitor and I was lucky to get the price I did.

The big thing is having twin screens. Why did I wait so long? Whyyyyy? For the price of two large Dominos pizzas I've transformed my desk into that workstation from The Matrix. I can have last year's spreadsheet on the right screen while editing this year's on the left, or track my stocks while checking my emails. I'm lying, of course, because what I really use it for is watching dirty movies while playing DOS-based games, or watching England lose at football and cricket simultaneously. 

Please go and buy a cheap second monitor as soon as possible. You'll love it!