Weirdness, part one
1) Chimney sweeps. There are chimney sweeps in Poland, and they transport themselves on bicycles. They wear a grey uniform and top hats. If you see one, you should hold a button until you see a woman wearing glasses.
2) Nuns. Are everywhere. I have seen nuns in Pizza Hut, shopping in Tesco, queuing for a bus, and eating an ice cream with two scoops.
3) Paying the bill. In a restaurant, if you say 'thank you' when you pay the bill, it means you don't want change. Polite foreigners beware!
4) Shyness. Poles are shy about speaking English. The woman who works in the baker's shop next to my school speaks English. But if there is someone else in the shop, she speaks Polish.
5) Politics.
i
One of Poland's foremost politicians is this man. At the 1:00 mark he is saying, "I have a mother, I have a brother. My daddy is dead. He is in heaven now." Later, he assures voters that if he is elected mayor of Bialystock, there will be no more drugs or crime.
ii
The President and Prime Minister are twin brothers. Their party won the election after a religious radio station known as 'Radio Maria' told its listeners (predominantly elderly women) to vote for it.
iii
Two Polish MEPs were accused of raping a prostitute. One of Poland's top politicians said, "You can't rape a prostitute." He was not fired.
iv
The Minister for Education (and deputy Prime Minister) doesn't want gays to be teachers. He wants schools to fire them. A journalist pointed out that this contravenes European employment law. The Minister suggests headteachers "Just make something up then." The Minister looks like Frankenstein.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Great Brzegspectations
The conference room at the Besel electric motor factory in Brzeg is a comfortable, bright and clean space. It's the sort of room two countries would use to harmonise bra sizes, or a place where an actor could give a bitchy off-the-record interview with a gossip magazine.
In one corner is a stand on which sits a variety of electric motors - all seemingly identical but different in staggeringly complicated ways. On one wall is a map of modern Europe. Through the window lie the factory gates, where matchstick workers trudge home after their daily toil. My student sits opposite me. He has finished his shift but remains for 90 minutes to practice his English. My ignorance of engineering, Polish culture and Polish history delights him. He wants to tell me everything.
He typically talks for 89 of the 90 minutes - the perfect student. Once he starts talking he doesn't stop. He's like one of the machines in his factory. ('This machine,' says the foreman to the visitors from Warsaw, 'can pump out 15 English sentences per minute'). I choose my first question carefully, because it will be the topic I hear about for the next 45 minutes. But whatever the starting topic is, his mind is irresistibly drawn to Polish history, and the second half of the lesson he talks of Hitler, the Battle of Britain, Yalta, the Communist Era, but mostly Stalin - Stalin above all dominates his thoughts. The tangents that lead him to Stalin are remarkable. "Brzeg has a high unemployment rate. Under the Communists we had full employment. Of course, we also had Stalin." "This factory was bought by an Italian company. Stalin wasn't Italian."
But as he mentions Stalin, I interrupt.
"Rafal," I say, "I'd love to talk about Stalin again, but I have a question." His eyes widen slightly. I let the pause last for a few seconds. "You work in a factory and that. Electrics. I need a sort of adaptor thing, so I can plug my English things into Polish sockets."
He understands. He makes a phone call. "I know where you can get them," he tells me. I pick up a pen to take the address. "Let's go," he says.
"Go?" I am stunned. "Go to buy them? Now?"
"Yes, we should have time."
He drives me into the centre of Brzeg. We go into a phone shop. There is a queue. Rafal ignores the line and goes to the front. "Good day. This is my English friend Andrew. He needs a phone adaptor." This isn't going to work, I think to myself, I tried this already. It doesn't work - they don't sell them in that shop. The queue doesn't appear to resent me. We leave.
We race to another shop. On the way we are nearly hit by a blonde woman driving while smoking and putting on lipstick. She smiles at us. She has two children in the back of the car. "Did you see that?" asks Rafal. He stares at me for no less than ten seconds - while entering a roundabout. I have a vision of my mother being informed of my death. A man is telling her that my presence in the car was a mystery, and that the lorry which hit it was undamaged, though the driver dropped his phone after the impact.
I open my eyes and we are in a sort of general purpose electronic peripherals store. Rafal ignores the queue again, and the shopkeep hands him two plug adaptors. "They will solve your problem," the man says to me in English. Rafal insists on paying for them.
He drives me back to the factory, then drives home, twelve zlotys poorer. I roll the adaptors around my hand and wait for the other teachers to finish.
In one corner is a stand on which sits a variety of electric motors - all seemingly identical but different in staggeringly complicated ways. On one wall is a map of modern Europe. Through the window lie the factory gates, where matchstick workers trudge home after their daily toil. My student sits opposite me. He has finished his shift but remains for 90 minutes to practice his English. My ignorance of engineering, Polish culture and Polish history delights him. He wants to tell me everything.
He typically talks for 89 of the 90 minutes - the perfect student. Once he starts talking he doesn't stop. He's like one of the machines in his factory. ('This machine,' says the foreman to the visitors from Warsaw, 'can pump out 15 English sentences per minute'). I choose my first question carefully, because it will be the topic I hear about for the next 45 minutes. But whatever the starting topic is, his mind is irresistibly drawn to Polish history, and the second half of the lesson he talks of Hitler, the Battle of Britain, Yalta, the Communist Era, but mostly Stalin - Stalin above all dominates his thoughts. The tangents that lead him to Stalin are remarkable. "Brzeg has a high unemployment rate. Under the Communists we had full employment. Of course, we also had Stalin." "This factory was bought by an Italian company. Stalin wasn't Italian."
But as he mentions Stalin, I interrupt.
"Rafal," I say, "I'd love to talk about Stalin again, but I have a question." His eyes widen slightly. I let the pause last for a few seconds. "You work in a factory and that. Electrics. I need a sort of adaptor thing, so I can plug my English things into Polish sockets."
He understands. He makes a phone call. "I know where you can get them," he tells me. I pick up a pen to take the address. "Let's go," he says.
"Go?" I am stunned. "Go to buy them? Now?"
"Yes, we should have time."
He drives me into the centre of Brzeg. We go into a phone shop. There is a queue. Rafal ignores the line and goes to the front. "Good day. This is my English friend Andrew. He needs a phone adaptor." This isn't going to work, I think to myself, I tried this already. It doesn't work - they don't sell them in that shop. The queue doesn't appear to resent me. We leave.
We race to another shop. On the way we are nearly hit by a blonde woman driving while smoking and putting on lipstick. She smiles at us. She has two children in the back of the car. "Did you see that?" asks Rafal. He stares at me for no less than ten seconds - while entering a roundabout. I have a vision of my mother being informed of my death. A man is telling her that my presence in the car was a mystery, and that the lorry which hit it was undamaged, though the driver dropped his phone after the impact.
I open my eyes and we are in a sort of general purpose electronic peripherals store. Rafal ignores the queue again, and the shopkeep hands him two plug adaptors. "They will solve your problem," the man says to me in English. Rafal insists on paying for them.
He drives me back to the factory, then drives home, twelve zlotys poorer. I roll the adaptors around my hand and wait for the other teachers to finish.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Opole Mio
Andrew Humiliates a Tramp
Copernicus Airport. Great name, miniature airport. It is located 9 bus stops away from the train station in Wroclaw. Whichever way you mentally pronounced 'Wroclaw' just then, know that it was wrong. W in Polish is pronounced 'V', C is pronounced 'TS' and L (with a line through it) is pronounced 'W'. Of course! So the city is called Vrotswav. Easy!
I asked the man at the information desk for some information. He looked terrified and went to get someone else. I had a look around. It didn't take long. Vrotswav's airport is bigger than my house, and probably bigger than your house, but not bigger than your house AND my house. I saw an ATM machine - necessary, as I hadn't brought any Polish zlotys (or xwafkas if you want to pronounce the currency properly.)
Another, taller, man came to give me some information. I needed to get bus 406. I thanked him, and for the next four minutes he watched me like a hawk as I tried and failed to get money from the ATM. I wondered if he would lend me some money. Probably not. Fortunately, a generous auntie had left me twenty pounds in a game of Monopoly so I had just about enough for the bus and train.
At the train station I joined a random line. Or was it random? My queue was full of stunning women. They were slow though, which gave me time to look at all the helpful English signs. Yes, that was sarcasm: there were no signs in English. I didn't have a clue what was going on or how to get to Opole. I started to panic slightly.
At that moment, a tramp decided to stand next to me. He poked me in the elbow, said some things, and finally started pointing into his mouth. His teeth were rotten and distorted, like a row of diseased trees, each of which has been repeatedly struck by lightning.
'Don't be touching me,' I said. 'Shoo.'
He wouldn't leave me alone. I stared ahead at the unmoving queue. He poked me again and repeated his curious gesture. Finger into the mouth. Finally, two girls behind me started to berate him. 'Leave him alone, he's a foreigner,' they probably said. I turned and realised they were pretty.
'Hi,' I said to the best one, 'Do you speak English?'
She giggled shyly. 'A little. Giggle.'
'Please can you tell him,' I pointed to the tramp, 'That I am not gay?'
It took a moment to sink in, and then the girls laughed, delightfully. To my surprise, they passed the message on to the tramp. 'He's not gay,' they said in Polish.
'Nie, nie,' said the tramp, then waved his hands in exasperation and moved on. One nil!
I turned to the hot girl. 'Can you help me get to Opole?' I asked.
'Of course,' she said.
She was delightful. I'd probably be married to her by now, if our first meeting hadn't involved me being really mean to a homeless man.
.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Germany 2006 World Cup (5)
Germany 1 -1 Argentina ( 4-2 on Pens)
1) "Why did I take Riquelme off after 70 minutes?" said Argentina coach Jose Peckerman, "You ask me why I take my best player off after 70 minutes? You really don't know? In 1970 England were leading Germany 2-1 and removed their best player, Bobby Charlton, and Germany won. So I thought, er..."
2) "Why did I replace Crespo with the inept Julio Cruz?" said Argentina coach Jose Peckerman, "You ask me why I take my best striker off after 75 minutes? You really don't know? In the film Soccerdog: European Cup, rookie manager Nick Moran takes off his best forward, and puts a slow, fat kid on instead, to prove that teamwork and guts are more important than skill or speed - they lose the game but win the... er, respect of the viewer. Er..."
3) "We expect to play England in the final", said German manager Jurgen Klinsmann, "Where we will win 3-1 in extra time. One of the advantages of being a Scientologist is that Xenu, the alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, tells you the results of football matches yet to be played."
Italy 3 - 0 Ukraine
1) "No, I don't think I'm the best defender in the world," said best defender in the world Fabio Cannavaro, "There are many good players out there. I just focus on doing my job. And when I'm not doing my job, I run a website which offers low-cost divorce. It's just a hobby."
2) "Yes, he is the best defender in the world," said smitten writer Andrew Girardin, "Cannavaro is the reason I watch dull International matches. This is the first time I've ever seen a one-man team where the star player is a defender. I can't wait to log on to lovecalculator.com to see if there is any future in our relationship."
3)
"Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between Andrew Girardin and Fabio Cannavaro, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. "
Bad news there. Best look elsewhere...
4)
Gasp! Don't listen to them, Keira!
England 0 - 0 The Other Team (1-3 on penalties)
"Andrew," said my cousin Steve, "Come and watch the quarter-final in the pub - it will be a nice quiet day out. Much better than watching it at home writing sarcastic posts for your blog, trying to raise awareness of issues as diverse as Human Rights abuses, mental health in Taiwan, and the futility of falling in love with a transatlantic Hollywood superstar."
"Steve," I said, "You make a good point."
Hyde
"You'll like this pub," said Steve, as we approached The Lamb in Hyde, "This is where neanderthal man was invented."
"Um... is this going to kick off?"
"Yes, kick off is in 5 minutes. Come on, England!"
Rooney
Portugay won a succession of free-kicks with a series of limp dives. "Where is the referee from?" asked Steve.
"Argentina," I said,
"I think I know what's going to happen," he said.
"Yup," I said.
3) "I don't like cheats," said another customer, "But I hate stupidity more. Mack's software showed me which team was more stupid. The Italians scored a lot of stupidity points from their corner-kick routines. Every kick they took went straight to the German goalkeeper, and they didn't change their routine. That's just stupid. The Germans kept diving all match trying to get free-kicks, but the referee didn't help them out. Despite this, the Germans kept diving. That's just stupid. So which team did I support? Well, the Italian defender Fabio Cannavaro scored minus three thousand stupidity points. Which makes him the only intelligent player currently playing in world football. He is easily the best player in the World Cup."
4) "The thought of Germany's violent, ill-tempered, bad loser, ungracious winner, 'send-me-off' goalkeeper Jens Lehmann-Schumacher getting his hands on the World Cup makes me physically sick," said the collective consciousness of the entire planet, "I like Germany's attacking game and I understand that they cheated like Portugal because they were scared of Italy, but there's no excuse for Lehmann."
Portugal 0 - 1 France
1) "Why did I take Riquelme off after 70 minutes?" said Argentina coach Jose Peckerman, "You ask me why I take my best player off after 70 minutes? You really don't know? In 1970 England were leading Germany 2-1 and removed their best player, Bobby Charlton, and Germany won. So I thought, er..."
2) "Why did I replace Crespo with the inept Julio Cruz?" said Argentina coach Jose Peckerman, "You ask me why I take my best striker off after 75 minutes? You really don't know? In the film Soccerdog: European Cup, rookie manager Nick Moran takes off his best forward, and puts a slow, fat kid on instead, to prove that teamwork and guts are more important than skill or speed - they lose the game but win the... er, respect of the viewer. Er..."
3) "We expect to play England in the final", said German manager Jurgen Klinsmann, "Where we will win 3-1 in extra time. One of the advantages of being a Scientologist is that Xenu, the alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, tells you the results of football matches yet to be played."
Italy 3 - 0 Ukraine
1) "No, I don't think I'm the best defender in the world," said best defender in the world Fabio Cannavaro, "There are many good players out there. I just focus on doing my job. And when I'm not doing my job, I run a website which offers low-cost divorce. It's just a hobby."
2) "Yes, he is the best defender in the world," said smitten writer Andrew Girardin, "Cannavaro is the reason I watch dull International matches. This is the first time I've ever seen a one-man team where the star player is a defender. I can't wait to log on to lovecalculator.com to see if there is any future in our relationship."
3)
"Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between Andrew Girardin and Fabio Cannavaro, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. "
Bad news there. Best look elsewhere...
4)
Gasp! Don't listen to them, Keira!
England 0 - 0 The Other Team (1-3 on penalties)
"Andrew," said my cousin Steve, "Come and watch the quarter-final in the pub - it will be a nice quiet day out. Much better than watching it at home writing sarcastic posts for your blog, trying to raise awareness of issues as diverse as Human Rights abuses, mental health in Taiwan, and the futility of falling in love with a transatlantic Hollywood superstar."
"Steve," I said, "You make a good point."
Hyde
"You'll like this pub," said Steve, as we approached The Lamb in Hyde, "This is where neanderthal man was invented."
"Um... is this going to kick off?"
"Yes, kick off is in 5 minutes. Come on, England!"
Rooney
Portugay won a succession of free-kicks with a series of limp dives. "Where is the referee from?" asked Steve.
"Argentina," I said,
"I think I know what's going to happen," he said.
"Yup," I said.
Beckham got injured. Rooney got himself sent off.
Fight
Stoked up on cocaine, steroids, booze and revenge fantasies, Neanderthal man started a fight. Two men, who I assume were victims of a tattooing scam, starting running after each other. Then, like piranhas, the other two dozen skinheads - grandchildren of the men who fought the Battle of the Somme - ran on to the street to join the frenzy of violence. Windows were smashed, police were called, penalty kicks were missed by millionaires.
Kidnapped
"Steve, my house is that way," I said, pointing.
"Shh."
"Where are we going? Are those the Pennines?"
"No, those are the Moors."
"I don't want to die."
"Just do as you're told and you'll be right. And don't go making no nuisance to the fuzz. Drink this."
"I can't drink any more. I've already had 17 pints of patriotic cider."
"See that spade? Guess what that's for?"
"I'll drink it! I'll drink it!"
Staley Vegas
Stalybridge. Known as 'Staley Vegas' because there are no casinos. Steve and his shallow-grave diggers Rob and Tom bundled me into a series of pubs and bars.
"Look at all the women! Stalybridge is the only place in the world outside certain Eastern European cities where women outnumber men. I guarantee women will come up to you and demand to be made your sex slave. I could tell you some fairly detailed stories about this place, but I know you would write them on your blog - if you survive the night - so I won't tell you those stories," said one of the three men.
"Oh, look, France are beating Brazil 1-0."
"Forget about that. Drink this."
Fight
Stoked up on cocaine, steroids, booze and revenge fantasies, Neanderthal man started a fight. Two men, who I assume were victims of a tattooing scam, starting running after each other. Then, like piranhas, the other two dozen skinheads - grandchildren of the men who fought the Battle of the Somme - ran on to the street to join the frenzy of violence. Windows were smashed, police were called, penalty kicks were missed by millionaires.
Kidnapped
"Steve, my house is that way," I said, pointing.
"Shh."
"Where are we going? Are those the Pennines?"
"No, those are the Moors."
"I don't want to die."
"Just do as you're told and you'll be right. And don't go making no nuisance to the fuzz. Drink this."
"I can't drink any more. I've already had 17 pints of patriotic cider."
"See that spade? Guess what that's for?"
"I'll drink it! I'll drink it!"
Staley Vegas
Stalybridge. Known as 'Staley Vegas' because there are no casinos. Steve and his shallow-grave diggers Rob and Tom bundled me into a series of pubs and bars.
"Look at all the women! Stalybridge is the only place in the world outside certain Eastern European cities where women outnumber men. I guarantee women will come up to you and demand to be made your sex slave. I could tell you some fairly detailed stories about this place, but I know you would write them on your blog - if you survive the night - so I won't tell you those stories," said one of the three men.
"Oh, look, France are beating Brazil 1-0."
"Forget about that. Drink this."
"But I have to blog the whole World Cup."
The Bridge
"This is where the night ends, and the fun begins. This is where the rich and powerful come to play with the young and beautiful creatures of the underworld." Actually it was just some lame club. The bouncers kept us waiting outside in the cold for some time, which I must attribute to their wish of increasing my interest by suspense, in the usual manner of elegant establishments.
They eventually let us in. I saw more elderly women than young women. The DJ had eclectic tastes: Van Morrison, S-Club 7, 'The Chipmunks sing Madonna'. After a time, I sat in a dark corner and used the meditation method I learned at the Shaolin Temple: I imagined myself flying through the lush green bamboo forests around Wudan mountain, then strolling around an ancient garden in Suzhou. A provocatively dressed woman, out with her daughter, interrupted my meditations. She put her foot up on a stool in front of me and began rubbing her leg at me. Ah! This was the Stalybridge debauchery Steven had promised me. While her approving daughter looked on, the woman leaned over, came close to me, and whispered in my ear, "I'm eighty years old, luv."
Germany 0 - 2 Italy
1) "I noticed that a lot of neutral viewers don't really know who to support," said inventive entrepreneur Jack 'The Mack' MacHackensack, "These viewers have come to realise that in modern football, the ball is almost completely incidental to the outcome of the match, and progression through a tournament is mostly based on a team's ability to cheat, versus their stupidity rating. So I wrote some software which shows which team is cheating the most, and how stupid they are. The feedback has been most satisfactory."
2) "I'm one of Mack's satisfied customers," said a soccer mom in Houston, Texas, "I didn't know who to support in Germany versus Italy, but his software changed all that. According to the play-by-play updates, Germany cheated six times more than Italy in the first half. It was a bit more even in the second half, but by then I was cheering Italy. When the German goalkeeper, Harald Schumacher, tried to decapitate the Italian player, I nearly shot my TV."
The Bridge
"This is where the night ends, and the fun begins. This is where the rich and powerful come to play with the young and beautiful creatures of the underworld." Actually it was just some lame club. The bouncers kept us waiting outside in the cold for some time, which I must attribute to their wish of increasing my interest by suspense, in the usual manner of elegant establishments.
They eventually let us in. I saw more elderly women than young women. The DJ had eclectic tastes: Van Morrison, S-Club 7, 'The Chipmunks sing Madonna'. After a time, I sat in a dark corner and used the meditation method I learned at the Shaolin Temple: I imagined myself flying through the lush green bamboo forests around Wudan mountain, then strolling around an ancient garden in Suzhou. A provocatively dressed woman, out with her daughter, interrupted my meditations. She put her foot up on a stool in front of me and began rubbing her leg at me. Ah! This was the Stalybridge debauchery Steven had promised me. While her approving daughter looked on, the woman leaned over, came close to me, and whispered in my ear, "I'm eighty years old, luv."
Germany 0 - 2 Italy
1) "I noticed that a lot of neutral viewers don't really know who to support," said inventive entrepreneur Jack 'The Mack' MacHackensack, "These viewers have come to realise that in modern football, the ball is almost completely incidental to the outcome of the match, and progression through a tournament is mostly based on a team's ability to cheat, versus their stupidity rating. So I wrote some software which shows which team is cheating the most, and how stupid they are. The feedback has been most satisfactory."
2) "I'm one of Mack's satisfied customers," said a soccer mom in Houston, Texas, "I didn't know who to support in Germany versus Italy, but his software changed all that. According to the play-by-play updates, Germany cheated six times more than Italy in the first half. It was a bit more even in the second half, but by then I was cheering Italy. When the German goalkeeper, Harald Schumacher, tried to decapitate the Italian player, I nearly shot my TV."
3) "I don't like cheats," said another customer, "But I hate stupidity more. Mack's software showed me which team was more stupid. The Italians scored a lot of stupidity points from their corner-kick routines. Every kick they took went straight to the German goalkeeper, and they didn't change their routine. That's just stupid. The Germans kept diving all match trying to get free-kicks, but the referee didn't help them out. Despite this, the Germans kept diving. That's just stupid. So which team did I support? Well, the Italian defender Fabio Cannavaro scored minus three thousand stupidity points. Which makes him the only intelligent player currently playing in world football. He is easily the best player in the World Cup."
4) "The thought of Germany's violent, ill-tempered, bad loser, ungracious winner, 'send-me-off' goalkeeper Jens Lehmann-Schumacher getting his hands on the World Cup makes me physically sick," said the collective consciousness of the entire planet, "I like Germany's attacking game and I understand that they cheated like Portugal because they were scared of Italy, but there's no excuse for Lehmann."
Portugal 0 - 1 France
Karma!
3rd Place/Final
I was pretty sick of football by this point. I watched the final, between France and Italy, knowing that the next day, six coachloads of Italian and French kids would arrive in York for me to teach. Cheating and inept referees ruined the tournament. It amazes me to read the early posts and find that I had enjoyed the beginning.
.
3rd Place/Final
I was pretty sick of football by this point. I watched the final, between France and Italy, knowing that the next day, six coachloads of Italian and French kids would arrive in York for me to teach. Cheating and inept referees ruined the tournament. It amazes me to read the early posts and find that I had enjoyed the beginning.
.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Germany 2006 World Cup (4)
Croatia 2 - 2 Australia
FIFA defended their referee selection procedure after a horror show from Graham Poll in which he gave five yellow cards to one player, sent off 800 Croatian fans, and forced Australia to play 'two-touch' for much of the second half.
A spokesman said: "What happens is, we put these golden tickets inside candy bars, or inside cigarette packets in countries where FIFA-approved chocolate isn't a big seller. The person who finds a golden ticket gets to referee a group match, unless he is a woman, and the best ones progress to the second round, where they start to get evicted by public vote. The system is theoretically flawless, although we do get a lot of unhealthy referees coming through. Mr. Poll is a 60-a-day man. Maybe we should put the golden tickets inside apples. But then all the referees would be doctors."
Ukraine 1 - 0 Tunizzzzzz
Boo! Get off the stage! Boo!
Germany 11 - 3 Sweden
1) "Sweden just haven't turned up today," said the voice in my head, "Only 4 of their players are involved in the game at the moment. Oh! And one of them has been sent off. The next 55 minutes of my life will be completely wasted."
2) "Nobody likes to see players try to get opponents sent off," said Germany's Torsten Frings, "Except me - I love it. If you think about it, Podolski scored two goals and Ballack ran the midfield, but I got the Swedish player sent off. Therefore I had the biggest effect on the outcome of the match. In the German papers tomorrow I will be named Man of the Match, and there will be full colour photos of me waving an imaginary card at the referee. In Germany that's more beautiful than scoring an overhead kick. Maybe there will be a step-by-step guide to teach young Germans - whom we call Jungdeutchecheats - how to cheat like me. It takes practice, you know. They need to start early."
3) "You don't know what you want," said FIFA boss Sepp Blatter in his post-match press conference, "You've been asking for consistency from referees and now you've got it. If they give every decision to one team, that's called being consistent. Also, you wanted Sezer and Grace out of the Big Brother house, you got it, and now it's really boring. You just don't think things through."
4) "Thank Noah the group stages are over," said oppressed blogger Andrew Girardin, "I had a dream last night in which Henry scored the goal France needed to get to the next stage, and then took the ball into the corner of the pitch where he kept it for 30 minutes, ignoring the whistles of the crowd. Then at full-time he celebrated like he had actually achieved something. Watching every game of the World Cup is ridiculous. It makes me hate the players, teams, fans, TV companies, sponsors, FIFA, sheep, and myself."
Argentina 2 - 1 Mexico
1) And the Angel spake unto him, saying, "Do you want to watch the best football match of all time?" And Andrew said, "Yeah, I suppose." And the Angel said, "No, really! It'll be dead good. Fast, skilful, a wall of noise and colour, and the passion of a lucid dream." And Andrew said, "Will it involve England?" And the Angel laughed, and said, "That's the funniest thing I heard since The Da Vinci Code." And Andrew said, "Can I have extra-time and a sensational winning goal?" And the Angel sayeth, "Sure, whatever. I'll throw Riquelme in as well. But you must prove that you truly want to watch this game." And Andrew repliedeth, saying, "What must I do?" And the Angel said, "You must first sit through games involving England, France, and Ukraine." And Andrew, for he was stupid, said, "That doesn't sound so bad."
2) Mr. Eriksson, do you think it is strange that Mexico can send their centre-back to play as a right-winger and he can do it better than Beckham?
3) Mexico! Gracias, gracias!
4) Next round - Argentina v Germany. Joy!
England 1 - 0 Ecuador
1) England are the least entertaining team in the world, and that's official. "We have a very accurate tool for determining how enjoyable a team are to watch," said Professor Ossie Ardiles of The University of Southampton, "It's based on how many people are watching a game, and how many turn off in despair. England are so bad we've had to make a couple of changes to the formulii we use. What's interesting is that the rate of decrease slows most while the camera is trained on Peter Crouch. I think people find him so oddly-shaped that they can't bear to change the channel."
2) "We might have to say no," said a Cabinet spokesman, "Civil Liberties groups would do their nut." The spokesman was reacting to a proposal thought to have come from TV companies and corporate sponsors which would force repeat offenders to watch England football matches. "It would be cheaper than prison, and the criminals wouldn't be able to turn off like everyone else. But to be honest I don't think anyone's going to buy a Big Mac after watching England, so the sponsors aren't going to benefit. We're looking into it, though."
3) England Expects
Shortly after 4 p.m. Eriksson was pacing the quarterdeck with Captain Steve McClaren, the captain of the frigate Borer. The nearest enemy ships were less than two miles away.
Turning to McClaren, Eriksson said: "I'll now amuse the Fleet with a signal. Do you think there is one yet wanting?" "I think the whole of the Fleet seems to understand very clearly what they are about," answered McClaren.
But Eriksson was already walking across to where Beckham and his signalmen were waiting. He ordered a signal to be made - to "Remember something inspirational someone else once told you", and another to Downing, to "Prepare to run around for all of fifteen seconds".
Then he said: "Mr Beckham, I wish to say to the Fleet, England expects that every man will pretend we played really well. Make it so."
Portugal 1 - 0 Holland
1) "It's very comfortable in there," said Holland's invisible winger Arjen Robben, "But I could do with some pillows." Robben spoke after spending 90 minutes in the Portugal right-back's pocket.
2) Andrew's artist friend Dutch Susan watched the game with interest: "The only thing more beautiful than two teams showing sportsmanship and the Corinthian spirit is two teams who utterly despise each other, doing their utmost to cheat their way to victory in a flurry of red and yellow cards and multiple on and off-pitch brawls. It was utterly compelling."
3) Luis Figo refused to apologise for his 'headbutt' on Mark Van Bommel: "He called my mam a slag."
4) Cristiano Ronaldo left the pitch in floods of tears: "It's not fair, it's just not fair, why did they have to shoot Bambi's mother...?"
Italy 1 - 0 Australia
An immense defensive performance from Fabio Cannavaro was the decisive factor in another baffling match. Bloggers around the world are struggling to think of new ways to describe poor referees and moments of subterfuge going unpunished. Their attention has turned to the players, who are so stupid they think they are above the law, and coaches, who don't react to the tide of events.
Bill Cravers of 'Blogzamillion' writes: "Materazzi gets sent off every single match he plays. Every match he throws elbows, lunges into challenges, and wrestles opponents at set pieces. What is most fascinating is not that Lippi thinks him suitable for the Italian side, but that Materazzi never ever seems to learn. Surely human civilization is most noted for its ability to learn? Are we breeding a generation of anti-learners? People who grow more stupid over time?"
Walmington Crescent writes on his eponymous blog: "Guus Hiddink is the best coach in the world. So we are told. And so it would seem. But is he? Then why did his team have 99% of the possession in the second half but have no shots? Buffon in the Italian goal smiled his way through the game, looking as relaxed as a ham in a hammock. The Aussies seemed scared to win - they looked as nervous as a whale who finds himself in Japanese territorial waters. Hiddink must take the blame."
Pierluigi Collander, on his blog 'ForzaForce', writes: "The players in this World Cup are a photocopy of a photocopy - faded and weak imitiations of their normal selves. For Chelsea, Lampard does not miss from ten yards. For Arsenal, Henry is a taller than average man in a world full of midgets. In Serie A, Luca Toni breaks every record. He scores 31 goals and wears a beard of bees so big Guinness thinks it is a hoax. Come the World Cup, these players run out of ink."
Switzerland 0 - 0 Ukraine ( 0-3 on pens)
The most boring match in history - yes, even worse than Switzerland vs. France or England vs. Anyone - was followed by the worst penalty shoot-out in history. I was forced to read my local newspaper - the one they give away, the one nobody ever reads - for entertainment.
FIFA defended their referee selection procedure after a horror show from Graham Poll in which he gave five yellow cards to one player, sent off 800 Croatian fans, and forced Australia to play 'two-touch' for much of the second half.
A spokesman said: "What happens is, we put these golden tickets inside candy bars, or inside cigarette packets in countries where FIFA-approved chocolate isn't a big seller. The person who finds a golden ticket gets to referee a group match, unless he is a woman, and the best ones progress to the second round, where they start to get evicted by public vote. The system is theoretically flawless, although we do get a lot of unhealthy referees coming through. Mr. Poll is a 60-a-day man. Maybe we should put the golden tickets inside apples. But then all the referees would be doctors."
Ukraine 1 - 0 Tunizzzzzz
Boo! Get off the stage! Boo!
Germany 11 - 3 Sweden
1) "Sweden just haven't turned up today," said the voice in my head, "Only 4 of their players are involved in the game at the moment. Oh! And one of them has been sent off. The next 55 minutes of my life will be completely wasted."
2) "Nobody likes to see players try to get opponents sent off," said Germany's Torsten Frings, "Except me - I love it. If you think about it, Podolski scored two goals and Ballack ran the midfield, but I got the Swedish player sent off. Therefore I had the biggest effect on the outcome of the match. In the German papers tomorrow I will be named Man of the Match, and there will be full colour photos of me waving an imaginary card at the referee. In Germany that's more beautiful than scoring an overhead kick. Maybe there will be a step-by-step guide to teach young Germans - whom we call Jungdeutchecheats - how to cheat like me. It takes practice, you know. They need to start early."
3) "You don't know what you want," said FIFA boss Sepp Blatter in his post-match press conference, "You've been asking for consistency from referees and now you've got it. If they give every decision to one team, that's called being consistent. Also, you wanted Sezer and Grace out of the Big Brother house, you got it, and now it's really boring. You just don't think things through."
4) "Thank Noah the group stages are over," said oppressed blogger Andrew Girardin, "I had a dream last night in which Henry scored the goal France needed to get to the next stage, and then took the ball into the corner of the pitch where he kept it for 30 minutes, ignoring the whistles of the crowd. Then at full-time he celebrated like he had actually achieved something. Watching every game of the World Cup is ridiculous. It makes me hate the players, teams, fans, TV companies, sponsors, FIFA, sheep, and myself."
Argentina 2 - 1 Mexico
1) And the Angel spake unto him, saying, "Do you want to watch the best football match of all time?" And Andrew said, "Yeah, I suppose." And the Angel said, "No, really! It'll be dead good. Fast, skilful, a wall of noise and colour, and the passion of a lucid dream." And Andrew said, "Will it involve England?" And the Angel laughed, and said, "That's the funniest thing I heard since The Da Vinci Code." And Andrew said, "Can I have extra-time and a sensational winning goal?" And the Angel sayeth, "Sure, whatever. I'll throw Riquelme in as well. But you must prove that you truly want to watch this game." And Andrew repliedeth, saying, "What must I do?" And the Angel said, "You must first sit through games involving England, France, and Ukraine." And Andrew, for he was stupid, said, "That doesn't sound so bad."
2) Mr. Eriksson, do you think it is strange that Mexico can send their centre-back to play as a right-winger and he can do it better than Beckham?
3) Mexico! Gracias, gracias!
4) Next round - Argentina v Germany. Joy!
England 1 - 0 Ecuador
1) England are the least entertaining team in the world, and that's official. "We have a very accurate tool for determining how enjoyable a team are to watch," said Professor Ossie Ardiles of The University of Southampton, "It's based on how many people are watching a game, and how many turn off in despair. England are so bad we've had to make a couple of changes to the formulii we use. What's interesting is that the rate of decrease slows most while the camera is trained on Peter Crouch. I think people find him so oddly-shaped that they can't bear to change the channel."
2) "We might have to say no," said a Cabinet spokesman, "Civil Liberties groups would do their nut." The spokesman was reacting to a proposal thought to have come from TV companies and corporate sponsors which would force repeat offenders to watch England football matches. "It would be cheaper than prison, and the criminals wouldn't be able to turn off like everyone else. But to be honest I don't think anyone's going to buy a Big Mac after watching England, so the sponsors aren't going to benefit. We're looking into it, though."
3) England Expects
Shortly after 4 p.m. Eriksson was pacing the quarterdeck with Captain Steve McClaren, the captain of the frigate Borer. The nearest enemy ships were less than two miles away.
Turning to McClaren, Eriksson said: "I'll now amuse the Fleet with a signal. Do you think there is one yet wanting?" "I think the whole of the Fleet seems to understand very clearly what they are about," answered McClaren.
But Eriksson was already walking across to where Beckham and his signalmen were waiting. He ordered a signal to be made - to "Remember something inspirational someone else once told you", and another to Downing, to "Prepare to run around for all of fifteen seconds".
Then he said: "Mr Beckham, I wish to say to the Fleet, England expects that every man will pretend we played really well. Make it so."
Portugal 1 - 0 Holland
1) "It's very comfortable in there," said Holland's invisible winger Arjen Robben, "But I could do with some pillows." Robben spoke after spending 90 minutes in the Portugal right-back's pocket.
2) Andrew's artist friend Dutch Susan watched the game with interest: "The only thing more beautiful than two teams showing sportsmanship and the Corinthian spirit is two teams who utterly despise each other, doing their utmost to cheat their way to victory in a flurry of red and yellow cards and multiple on and off-pitch brawls. It was utterly compelling."
3) Luis Figo refused to apologise for his 'headbutt' on Mark Van Bommel: "He called my mam a slag."
4) Cristiano Ronaldo left the pitch in floods of tears: "It's not fair, it's just not fair, why did they have to shoot Bambi's mother...?"
Italy 1 - 0 Australia
An immense defensive performance from Fabio Cannavaro was the decisive factor in another baffling match. Bloggers around the world are struggling to think of new ways to describe poor referees and moments of subterfuge going unpunished. Their attention has turned to the players, who are so stupid they think they are above the law, and coaches, who don't react to the tide of events.
Bill Cravers of 'Blogzamillion' writes: "Materazzi gets sent off every single match he plays. Every match he throws elbows, lunges into challenges, and wrestles opponents at set pieces. What is most fascinating is not that Lippi thinks him suitable for the Italian side, but that Materazzi never ever seems to learn. Surely human civilization is most noted for its ability to learn? Are we breeding a generation of anti-learners? People who grow more stupid over time?"
Walmington Crescent writes on his eponymous blog: "Guus Hiddink is the best coach in the world. So we are told. And so it would seem. But is he? Then why did his team have 99% of the possession in the second half but have no shots? Buffon in the Italian goal smiled his way through the game, looking as relaxed as a ham in a hammock. The Aussies seemed scared to win - they looked as nervous as a whale who finds himself in Japanese territorial waters. Hiddink must take the blame."
Pierluigi Collander, on his blog 'ForzaForce', writes: "The players in this World Cup are a photocopy of a photocopy - faded and weak imitiations of their normal selves. For Chelsea, Lampard does not miss from ten yards. For Arsenal, Henry is a taller than average man in a world full of midgets. In Serie A, Luca Toni breaks every record. He scores 31 goals and wears a beard of bees so big Guinness thinks it is a hoax. Come the World Cup, these players run out of ink."
Switzerland 0 - 0 Ukraine ( 0-3 on pens)
The most boring match in history - yes, even worse than Switzerland vs. France or England vs. Anyone - was followed by the worst penalty shoot-out in history. I was forced to read my local newspaper - the one they give away, the one nobody ever reads - for entertainment.
Swiss girls look nice, though.
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