Saturday, March 26, 2005

Faster Pasta - a review

Restaurants come in all shapes and surprises, especially in Taipei where owners retain a healthy hatred of all customers. Faster Pasta adds a delectable twist - uncooked meat in the bolognese.

I spoke to 49-year old Michael Chen, the forward-thinking entrepreneur who believes his idea will transform the way we eat. "When I opened the restaurant we made a lot of money, but I wanted to make more money so I could go to Vegas and pay to urinate on blonde women. I watched customers come in to my restaurant and was dismayed by the inefficiency. They sat down, they took time to choose their food, it took time to cook the food, and after their meal they sat around for ages without giving me any more money. It was intolerable. I suddenly realised that I could solve all three problems by reducing the menu to two items; spaghetti or spaghetti with raw meat. I stood up in the dining area where I'd been masquerading as a customer and shouted 'Stop cooking the meat!' Since then we give them the cold meat. When people finish that they clear out real quick because I blocked off the toilets. They gotta go someplace else to do their shit. Business is booming, I gotta tell you."

Did he go to Vegas?
"Sure I did."
And did he urinate on the women?
"Dude, finding a girl who'll let you do that is as easy as writing a check for 400 bucks."
"No, I didn't. Couldn't do it in the end. I can't go if someone's watching. She was pretty disappointed."

Faster Pasta
Taipei City, 565 Zhongshan North Road, 212-715-2400
Lunch, Monday through Saturday 11:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.; dinner, 5 to 10 p.m. daily.
Spaghetti, $20–$25; with meat, $35–$40. A.E., M.C., V.


  1. Dear Andrew,

    I feel very honoured to be the first person commenting on your first article on your new blog. (Andrew is from England, so I deliberately chose the word "honour" instead of its American equivalent, which I usually use, in order not to offend him.)

    As you always do whether in speaking or in writing, you were generous with your heavy sarcasm and gave an embellished (an euphemism for "exaggerated" or even "untrue") account of what happened (if only it had really happened). However, this is exactly what makes your articles intriguing and fun to read (at least for me, I hate to admit it though). Just one question… Is it generally acceptable to "distort the truth a little bit" in restaurant reviews? Hmm… I guess so since now restaurant owners can just pay critics to have favourable reviews published.

    As for the part about u*****e on the women (I found the idea too vulgar), are you projecting your fantasy onto the character in your story?

    The following words are for people who read Andrew's articles but, unfortunately, haven't had a chance to meet him in person: Beware of his unjustifiably biased opinions against Taiwan. Don't get brainwashed by him! Taiwan is a lovely place with friendly and hospitable people. (Andrew, don't give me a dirty look again!)

    P.S. Andrew is my private English tutor. But what I've learnt from him also includes techniques of lying. Lesson One in "How to Lie": Give details, which is an effective way to make your lie more believable. Without doubt, Andrew is excellent in giving specific (but, I'm afraid, untrue) information; therefore, don't blame yourself for having the tendency to believe everything he said or wrote. If you spend some time with him, you'll soon learn to take his words with "many grains" of salt. At the same time, you might discover his charming personality despite his endless whining, insufferable sarcasm, and eccentric behaviour.

    Yours most courteously and helpfully,

  2. Angela7:22 PM

    Oh, Tiffany, I really agree. Lying is a sin and Andrew knows that. One day Jesus will come into Andrew's heart. It happened once before and I pray it will happen again. I'm sure Taiwan is a lovely place. I always wanted to visit Bangkok and all the temples, and go to see Taiwan's famous beaches. I hope nothing bad happened to you or your family during the Tsunami. My church prayed for the people of Taiwan so much during that time.

  3. I can't believe I have not read the awesome comments from Tiffany before! Your writer's commentary drew my attention to it. Precious.

  4. It's a sin to leave a comment to mock your reader under your mom's name.

    Never use the "Taiwan vs. Thailand" joke again!


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