Sunday, March 27, 2005

March for Freedom

Outraged by the bullying tactics of their giant neighbour China, more than one million Taiwanese people and a handful of foreigners took to the streets of Taipei in a vast protest march. They jammed the subway system so comprehensively I was forced to interview some of them as I walked home.

"I'm here because my mother taught me to stand up to bullies. And bullies don't come bigger than China. Except maybe America. And the New York Yankees," said Bei Jianbe, a computer engineer from Danshui. I asked him if the bullies in his school had 700 missiles pointing at his house. "No," he said, "they didn't."

I talked to some girls. "I love Taiwan more than I love my boyfriend," said Cherry Lin, a pretty high-school student wearing a blue and white school uniform and blue knee-length socks. "Actually a future-teller told me my boyfriend - he's a computer engineer - would die aged 19, so I don't love him very much. When China made this new law which says they will attack Taiwan, I cried. It took me twenty minutes to re-cake my face with whitening powder. Now I'm here to wave these inflatable green balloon-sticks and sing songs about peace. That will show the governments of the world that Taiwan is a country and a democracy."

Tiffany Yen, a curvy middle-aged woman with pleasant short hair said, "This issue is so important to me that I cancelled my study group today. We were going to do the chapter about nonrestrictive modifiers, so you can tell how excited we were. Of course, it's my study group so I should have realised there would be a scheduling conflict. Today's march has been publicised for a long time."

But why are you protesting? "At first I was angry about China's new law. How can they prance around the world trying to position themselves as a major world power while they point their vile missiles at us and threaten our peaceful way of life? Then I thought about the implications of a Chinese invasion. The end result would be millions of stunning Chinese women flooding into Taiwan, taking our boyfriends and husbands. My anger grew into thundrous rage. My boyfriend may be fat and old, but he's mine. Like my study group. And the sooner that bitch Maggie Zhang, who wants me to move it to Sundays, which are more convenient for her, understands that, the better. It's my study group, and my country. That's why I'm here wearing a missile costume asking strangers to spank me." By the way, is your boyfriend a computer engineer? "No, he's a software engineer. Why do you ask?"

There were some white people there too. I spoke to a Canadian who asked not to be named. "Oh, man, Taiwan, yeah, those missiles, that's scary, right? Fuck that shit." And why are you joining the protest? "Oh, dude! Look around. 1 million people, half a million chicks. Emotionally charged. Hot, sweaty, vulnerable. I've got 20 spaces left on my cellphone and I'm gonna get 20 numbers today. I love democracy." I stared at him. And took out my phone.

I had 80 spaces open.

1 comment:

  1. Objection!
    Come on, Andrew! I didn't even go to the protest march! How dare you ridicule me like that in your FICTIONAL interview! Is it your revenge for my earlier comment? Here are some (just SOME, not ALL) examples of untrue descriptions of me:
    1. I'm not middle-aged. Don't forget I'm younger than you. If I were middle-aged, then you should be called "old".
    2. My boyfriend is neither old nor fat. (By the way, didn't you once say appearance wasn't important? Of course you didn't mean it at all, based on the look of disgust on your face whenever you see a woman who is not gorgeous.)
    3. I've told you several times that I'm not a masochist. Why should I ask strangers to spank me? Don't project your own fantasy again! (Are you going to talk about lesbians next time?)
    4. I didn't sound like that at all when I talked about MY study group. (I put a stress on "my" so that it sounds like I'm really proud of my study group. Now you're satisfied?! Isn't it the tone you adopted in your IMAGINAEY interview with me?)

    Am I too defensive? Don't forget, besides "how to tell lies," I've also learned techniques of self-defense whenever you're around. Otherwise, I must have been killed by your nonstop jeering remarks.

    But why should I bother to defend myself? If those people are still reading your blog, it's obvious that they don't care about the truth. I might be the only exception.

    Oh, just an afterthought... If I keep hanging around with you, it's very likely that I turn into a masochist. Otherwise, how is it possible for me to stand your growing annoyance? With such an annoying attitude, it's no wonder you still have 80 spaces open in your cell phone.

    Tiffany Yen, an intelligent curvy young woman with pleasant short hair


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