Sunday, November 11, 2007

French Horoscope


(Translated from Friday's Le Monde International Edition)

March 21 - April 19
Gateaux
Word of the day: Moisture

Just as red sea crabs fight epic underwater battles against blue crabs, so you must battle - against your own complacency.

April 20 - May 20
Flambee
Soup of the day: Disguised Onion

A talentless pretentious obnoxious so-called film so-called director will sit at a table near you trying to flirt with a Japanese woman in bad English. A cute guy on the table next to you will flirt with the waitress you like and she will smile at him. The gay waiter will be the only one who smiles at you. Do you still want to go to the restaurant?

May 21 - May 25
Boutonnière
Match of the day: Harlequins vs Wirral

The out of work actor is lying to you. He is paid handsomely to appear in sauce commercials. If you had a TV you'd know that.

May 26 - July 18
Martinet
Your gemstone: Charcoal

Today is an auspicious day to read the book you bought when it was raining and you'd spent so long in the bookshop you felt you had to buy something. Start on page 8 and you'll enjoy it more.

July 19 - September 31
Décolletage
Your lucky cellphone: Nokia 3310

Don't try to commit suicide using electricity. Voltage is not fatal to you today.

October 1 - October 8
Au Gratin
Your lucky crab: Red

Confucious said, 'The child is the father of the man.' So don't call the police when you see an 8 year old spanking a 40-year old.

October 9
Gourmand
Your lucky number: Slevin

You will make a discovery. Not, like, gravity, or America. Something like 'your grandfather met Hitler' or 'red wine doesn't clean white wine.'

October 10 - December 31
Nouveau Gauche
Your lucky dead language: Latin

You are spending too much mental energy blaming your parents. Sure, you wanted to become a supermarket manager, but your parents were right to send you to mime school. It's time to pull on your tight black and white-striped sweater and pretend to be in a box.

January 1 - March 21
Corsage
Your lucky ancient civilisation: Mayan

Plants can't grow without attention. Have you watered your relationships recently? Do it in the shower so your partner can rinse off.

March 22 - April 22
Fête Noire
Your lucky day: Yes

Finally, you will meet the man who has been writing about you. He's nice.

.

3 comments:

  1. Damned i lack of english words to express what i think, so i'll say it in french and i let you the pleasure to find the translation..or ask helene! (well, i could say again "it's VERY original"..but this won't be original as well)So you seem to be very déjanté, décalé, un peu fou-fou,j'adore ton humour,ça sort de l'ordinaire,c'est vraiment génial,je suis fan:)
    You should contact Flight of the conchords, you'll write their next show for sure :):)
    Thks for this article,c'était super!! Félications pour ton esprit!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Helene translates what you wrote as 'Andrew, tidy your room and play with the cat more often. And do something with your hair.'

    ReplyDelete
  3. By the way,being funny makes you hot & sexy ;)

    ReplyDelete