Sunday, November 11, 2007
(Translated from Friday's Le Monde International Edition)
March 21 - April 19
Word of the day: Moisture
Just as red sea crabs fight epic underwater battles against blue crabs, so you must battle - against your own complacency.
April 20 - May 20
Soup of the day: Disguised Onion
A talentless pretentious obnoxious so-called film so-called director will sit at a table near you trying to flirt with a Japanese woman in bad English. A cute guy on the table next to you will flirt with the waitress you like and she will smile at him. The gay waiter will be the only one who smiles at you. Do you still want to go to the restaurant?
May 21 - May 25
Match of the day: Harlequins vs Wirral
The out of work actor is lying to you. He is paid handsomely to appear in sauce commercials. If you had a TV you'd know that.
May 26 - July 18
Your gemstone: Charcoal
Today is an auspicious day to read the book you bought when it was raining and you'd spent so long in the bookshop you felt you had to buy something. Start on page 8 and you'll enjoy it more.
July 19 - September 31
Your lucky cellphone: Nokia 3310
Don't try to commit suicide using electricity. Voltage is not fatal to you today.
October 1 - October 8
Your lucky crab: Red
Confucious said, 'The child is the father of the man.' So don't call the police when you see an 8 year old spanking a 40-year old.
Your lucky number: Slevin
You will make a discovery. Not, like, gravity, or America. Something like 'your grandfather met Hitler' or 'red wine doesn't clean white wine.'
October 10 - December 31
Your lucky dead language: Latin
You are spending too much mental energy blaming your parents. Sure, you wanted to become a supermarket manager, but your parents were right to send you to mime school. It's time to pull on your tight black and white-striped sweater and pretend to be in a box.
January 1 - March 21
Your lucky ancient civilisation: Mayan
Plants can't grow without attention. Have you watered your relationships recently? Do it in the shower so your partner can rinse off.
March 22 - April 22
Your lucky day: Yes
Finally, you will meet the man who has been writing about you. He's nice.