Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Trillion and One Ways to Score Points with Chicks

Background to the Project

"Androo," said Cecile, "At what are you laughing?"
"Oh," I said, sipping on some black tea. "It's this list of things you should do for your girlfriend. Ways to score points with a girl."
"I'm sure it's very funny, but you're supposed to be helping me with my English. It's quite rude to have your laptop open and be reading a website while I'm telling you about my thoughts and feelings." She pointed her French eyes at me in an ambitious attempt to imprint the reprimand onto my brain forever.
"Hah! That's here on the list... wait... yes! Number nineteen. 'When she talks to you, put down the newspaper and give her your full attention.' Ridiculous!"
"Actually, that sounds like good advice."
"No way. It's all garbage. I wonder how many guys have lost girlfriends because of this shit?"
"If you're such an expert, why don't you write your own list? Although maybe one hundred and one ways to score a chick are too many for you to think of."
"Too many? Too many? I'll write a billion and one ways. A trillion and one ways!" I chomped on some cheesecake in a sexy, macho way. "Maybe I'll write it in sections though."

1,000,000,000,001 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH CHICKS
SECTION ONE

1. When a girl says something stupid, point it out.

CASE STUDY:
Chick: I love Jon Bon Jovi.
Andrew: What's your favourite song?
Chick: The one about Frankenstein.
Andrew: Um... what?
Chick: You know.
Andrew: No, I don't. Sing it.
Chick: [enthusiastically] My heart is like an open highway, like Frankenstein I did it my way.
Andrew: Wow.



2. When a girl falls over or spills something, call her retarded.
3. If a chick is foreign, learn how to call her retarded in her language. She'll appreciate the effort you put into learning it. In German, it's 'bist du behindert?'
4. Eye contact is 68% of flirting and seduction. Wait, make that 86%. Never, ever look away from a girl until she looks away from you. A game I invented called Eye Win will help you improve:

Eye Win - Introduction
A game of skill and fun for all the family! Transform your weak-ass eye contact into smouldering 1940s-black and white-movie-quality eye sex in only five minutes a day! Minutes to learn, days to master, a lifetime of pleasure!
How to Play
For five minutes a day, stare at everyone you see. Gain one point for outstaring someone; lose one point if you look away first.  Use two points for policemen, guys who look scary, and extremely hot chicks you'd normally be too shy to look at.  If you have a negative score, no-one will ever love you.


5. Let your eyes do the talking.  You verbalize too much. An hour of being clever and witty won't get you as many points as just one smouldering glance. Once every twenty minutes or so, stop talking and just stare at the girl you're dating.  If you do it right she'll get self-conscious and say 'what?' Don't explain what you're thinking. For best results, add a slight shake of the head and/or an enigmatic smile.
Smouldering

6. It's okay to be mean to a girl. They like it. "You write like a boy." "You're such a geek." "I can't believe what a nerd you are." "You're such a hippy."  "You're soooo French."
7. The first time she expresses a liberal opinion, call her a hippy.
8. The second time she expresses a liberal opinion, call her a communist.
9. The third time she expresses a liberal opinion, call her a hippy communist.
10. Follow a piece of meanness with something nice.  Like, "I was thinking about you in the bath the other day," or "I like the way your express the emotion of frustration."  Note - don't do this if she asks for something nice.

2 comments:

  1. Cécile7:19 PM

    I am laughing so hard I can't type properly. Dating advice 5 will make you look like:
    - a pervert
    - a retard
    - a bit funny, but not in a good way.
    Done persistently, you will appear to be all of the above in the eyes of the poor girl who has to endure your attitude.
    Nick just read some entries from your blog, laughed out loud several times, and now wants to meet you cause you sound "almost as awesome as me (him)".
    Ps: you should spell my name Cécile ;-p

    www.tryingtobeconscious.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ni shi zhi zhang ma?

    Pardon my Chinese.

    ReplyDelete