The Mansions of the Gods: Latin Jokes Explained

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Book 17 - The Mansions of the Gods

1.
The story: This is one of only two Asterix books without the hero's name in the title. In it, Caesar plots to cut down the forest surrounding Asterix's village and build an apartment complex named The Mansions of the Gods. He sends an architect, Squaronthehypotenus, to carry out the deed. Even after encountering the Gauls, he decides to press ahead.

Professor Ibrox explains: "Beati pauperes spiritu means 'blessed are the poor in spirit'. It's from the Sermon on the Mount.

The architect says that the gods seem to favour those with the least to recommend them. He's thinking of the Gauls, but it could equally be applied to Celtic fans, or nightclub bouncers."
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2.
The story: The architect has had great success in cutting down the forest, unaware that the Gauls are using magic potion to immediately regrow the felled trees. He wakes the centurion to announce the good news. The centurion has more experience of dealing with the Gauls, and is not easily excited.

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Professor Ibrox explains: "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched - Gnothe seauton. It means 'know thyself' and should really be written gnothi seauton as it is the aorist second person imperative, as I'm sure you knew.

It doesn't make sense, but perhaps that's the intention. Probably it's just a setup for the 'it's Greek to me' line. Instead of Know Thyself they should have written 'Know the Gauls'. That would be more logical, but isn't a famous Greek phrase.

My head is not a happy place to be right now. Still, at least the bouncer came off worse."


3.
The story: The Gauls have changed strategy and have decided to let the Romans build the Mansions of the Gods. The Romans publish a promotional brochure to drum up interest in the flats.

Mansions of the Gods brochure, page 2

Gauliseum detail enlarged

Professor Ibrox explains: "I made Andrew include this one because it's one of my all-time favourite Asterix gags.

Basically, the brochure shows how great life will be when the Mansions of the Gods are finished. One of the things they plan to build is not a Colosseum but a Gauliseum - a great pun.

You could go there to watch the Gaulacticos play football or listen to the Spice Gauls."


4.
The story: For a laugh, the Gauls have sent Cacofonix to sing in the Mansions, which is the equivalent of sending Serge Gainsbourg. Predictably, the occupants panic and start preparing to leave.

Professor Ibrox explains: "Quousque tandem? Brilliant joke!

Quo usque tandem is the first bit of the first line of Cicero's oration against Catiline. Catiline was one of the chief conspirators during Cicero's consulship, and Cicero had the pleasure of prosecuting him, but his speeches against him are florid and overly rhetorical.

The whole line means 'When will you stop testing our patience?' You could say Quo usque tandem? in many situations - for example, to the man in the next cell who keeps singing Je t'aime... moi non plus, complete with moaning.

Shut up, you drunk old dirty old man or you'll get some of what I gave that Celtic-loving bouncer!"



Professor Ibrox will return in 6 weeks (or fewer with good behaviour).
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Asterix in Switzerland: Latin Jokes Explained

A sexier version of this post, plus great new Asterix content, can be found on my superb new site - EverythingAsterix.com

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Asterix and the Roman Agent: Latin Jokes Explained

A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

I understand it's annoying to be directed here and have to go there, but I promise it's worth it.

The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.

Asterix in Spain: Latin Jokes Explained

A bigger, better version of this article now appears on my new Asterix site - click the white link just above this article. The one that says 'Everything Asterix'.

The new site is extremely beautiful, by the way. It's probably going to win an award and be preserved by UNESCO.

Mastering Online Dating: Part Two

Mastering Online Dating: My First Profile

Time to set up my Plenty of Fish profile.


First I needed a username. This was huge. The right one might not generate a lot of interest, but the wrong one can be a dealbreaker.


WRONG ONES:
jedimaster
i_wash_everyday
DADDYpimp
peni_shaver


I wanted to use sexy words like 'discover' and 'imagine'. Or maybe something romantic like 'Shining Knight'. I stared at the screen for about fifty minutes. It's harder than it seems to think up a name. Part of the problem was that everything had already been taken, even 'hot_teacher4u', so I had to be over-creative or use lots of numbers at the end of the username, as in Hot_Guy8888888888888.


I finally chose 'better_than_perfect' and also set up an email account with that name.


NOTE - you will get thousands of spammy mails from these websites, so set up a separate email account for it.


Surprisingly, the site wanted to know my income range and whether I was the oldest of my siblings. They claim it makes better search results. Porn sites give pretty good results without that info, but maybe it's different when finding true love.


I had to choose the headline that people would see, and write some info about myself.


BAD HEADLINES (real):
looking for gud relationship
Hi
am look for a virtures woman
fishing for my cousin (amazingly, the profile is dedicated to finding a date for his 'cousin'!)


I finally went with:

Headline: I'm too good for you
Profile: I'm a selfish jerk. I look good in a shirt or a hoody. Young enough to do it. Old enough to do it right. I don't smoke. I'm lots of fun. I don't have time for petty drama or emotional hysterics. I'm intelligent and well-educated and don't care what anyone thinks of me. I do what I want, when I want - but you probably figured that out already.
If I had to write a newspaper personal, it would read something like this:
Handsome, cultured intellectual with perfect body and perfect technique seeks beautiful married woman to make her husband jealous. In return, I want diamonds, fast cars, and expensive meals.
If you think you could handle me, think again. But if you really insist on taking on a challenge you can't handle, get in touch.

(The text was based on a 'be a jerk' video that came up in my research - can't take all the credit).


Next, the photo. I chose one of me looking hot and emphasising the blueness of my eyes. It's me next to a hot girl, but I cropped her out. Nevertheless, you can see part of her face - enough to know that she's smoking hot. Ace psychology!

Then the site gave me a 40-question personality test. It didn't take long to do and the feedback was pretty 'accurate'. Things like, "You sometimes feel like the most attractive person on the train." Having said that, I recognised a lot of cold-reading material in there, so I was dubious about whether it was going to work or not.


Next - My first messages.
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